Spits out headlines, taglines, radio scripts and copy of all shapes and sizes at your slightest whim! Just waltz right in, throw projects down on her desk and demand to have them back by end of day. It's that easy! Minimum creativity and maximum output are the name of the game here! Best of all, there's no such thing as too much work for THIS robot girl - one Copywriting Machine does the same amount of work as THREE human writers, and in a fraction of the time. Just think of the money you'll save!
This incredible Copywriting Machine can be YOURS for 12 low monthly payments of $AlmostNothingAfterTaxes. Call right now and we'll throw in a worthless piece of shit iMac computer for FREE! Look forward to hours and hours of fun trying to reconstruct lost work after this giant plastic turd craps out for no good reason at all!
But wait, there's more! Call now and we'll also include an office with genuine Arctic air conditioning ABSOLUTELY FREE! This windowless space is conveniently located next to the loudest and most irritating little man on the face of the planet. Mr. Napoleon Complex is too important to actually pick up the telephone, so you can expect hours of blaring conference calls that are only slightly less interesting than dirt! (Door Slamming Kit sold separate.)
Supplies are limited so act NOW to take advantage of this amazing offer! Call 1(888) JOB-SUCK, or send a check or money order* to:
1000 Annoyance Place
Suite F U
Hell, Earth 66666
*Master Card, Visa & Food Stamps also accepted
Hm. For the second week in a row the world's most non-helpful sex columnist has been conspicuously absent from the RedEye. Am currently waiting for my Come To The Darkside phone call. Stay tuned.