Tutorial: How to Get Rid of Your Cat on Craigslist
Step 1. Post an ad. Remember, honesty is the best policy!
Date: 2006-08-30 19:25:37
Title: (pets) My cat hates me, and I hate him back.
I have to get rid of my cat. Like, right now. He hates me, I hate him, and we've been doing this dance for 8 long years. I've always been one of those "pets are forever" people, but I can't do this anymore. I don't want to come home at night because I know he's there. Destroying my things. Waiting.
He likes to scratch. Not the million different scratchers I bought him. Just furniture and rugs. When I got new furniture and rugs this year, I bought those Soft Paws to put on him. I replace them when they come off but SOMEHOW HE IS STILL SCRATCHING THE HELL OUT OF MY NEW FURNITURE. Back claws? Maybe, I'm not quick enough to catch him. Possibility B: he is the devil.
He also pees. Only on my stuff, not my children's. Not regularly enough for it to be a medical problem. Just when he's mad (pissed?). He pees only on things that are really important or really hard to clean. I hate him like fire.
Don't tell me to take him to the vet. I'm not going to spend $200 for the vet to tell me he hates me. The cat is also fat as hell, and frankly I'm not up for the lecture. I tried diet cat food once and he pooped on my pillow. He weighs 22 pounds.
You're probably wondering why we ever got this cat. Well I'll tell you. I used to be a cat person. I had cats my whole life, sweet loving cats who never stared at me like If I were bigger, I would eat you. I adored cats, and 8 years ago a friend was trying to find homes for some cute kittens. I am not a cat person anymore.
Now for my question. How the holy hell do I get rid of this thing? Nobody on Craigslist would ever want him. He needs a good grooming in the butt area before anyone would even consider it. He probably needs shots, it's been a while. He's neutered though; that's got to count for something. I've called the no-kills, and they are all full. Before I load him in a crate and take him to the Anti-Cruelty, are there any other options? I hate him, but I don't want him dead.
Not yet, anyway.
Satan's Little Minion, aka Dewey
Step 2. Screen the emails. You will get emails from people who think you are a horrible person and people who feel strongly that you should keep your pet. Sometimes they are the same people. Feel free to email them back and ask when you can drop your pet off, if they are such great goddamn animal lovers.
Other people will write to ask if you are serious. Email them naked pictures of your ex-boyfriend.
Step 3. The follow up post is crucial. Reiterate your pet's finer qualities and post another picture. This helps people envision your pet in their own homes.
A HELPFUL HINT ABOUT PHOTOS
A picture is worth a thousand words! Have a photo session with your pet, and capture him his happiest and most playful.
If you follow these guidelines for posting an ad on Craigslist, in no time at all your pet will have a loving new home. Or at least an online fan club.
NEXT WEEK: Finding your soulmate via Craigslist Casual Encounters