ENEMY #1: The Green Slattern
Dates your friends. Alter-ego pretends to be cool intellectual chick interested in befriending you, but once your back is turned transforms into a snarling, foaming ball of pure jealousy. Is convinced that you are trying to steal her boyfriend, even though you have a boyfriend of your own. Soon refuses to be in same room as you. Eventually issues ultimatum: you or her. Has the sex advantage; usually wins.
Two faces, invisible leash
Can read subtext into anything. Example: You invite her boyfriend to your birthday party. Obviously you want to bang him senseless.
ENEMY #2: Poison Tart
The former friend who hates your guts for reasons that remain unclear. Is personally offended by your existence yet continues to read your blog. Occasionally leaves mean comments about your parenting, just for fun.
Shit don't stank
ENEMY #3: Baby Ruthless
Lives in apartment directly above you. Bangs toys on floor at 6AM on Sundays, from 6PM - 10PM on weeknights, and any moment your head touches a pillow. Has yet to learn words, so speaks Scream. Volume control set permanently at 10.
Onesie, diaper, drool
Lung capacity of a blue whale
Does not appear to sleep
AKA: World's Most Effective Birth Control
If I'm leaving any enemies off the list - and I'm sure I am - feel free to let me know. Just please don't kidnap my elderly aunt and hold her hostage in a warehouse full of explosives and venomous snakes. Thank you.