Taking Your Advice

So I just had a Two Beer, One Giant Margarita lunch. Typing is becoming an issue. I'm on vacation next week so I stopped caring four hours ago. Right now I'm buying makeup online and writing headlines that connect black history month with cookies. I just informed my boss that I'm drunk. He thinks I'm funny.

What's new:

• you too can buy new makeup lines for dirt cheap promotional prices by clicking here
• i have cable AND the internet at home
• josh's car got wrecked while we were in it
• i'm drunk and accidentally hit publish just now
• a baby had a birthday, but i forgot

• my sister had a birthday but i forgot
• some lady jumped in front of the train and destroyed my commute yesterday around noon
• that is sad
• this blog is still poop

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UPDATE: On Fridays, my office has a cart filled with alkie and snackie that goes around the office. We rotate informally with whose turn it is to do Beer Cart. Today my Hot Married Boyfriend and I did it. I instituted a new rule that you have to take off an article of clothing for every aisle you go down. This rule has been well received. Later, I got into a grabass with Hot New Girl after she tricked me into smelling her shoes, flirted shamelessly with the (super young) temp receptionist, danced a polka, and sent my boss off for the weekend by yelling "No matter what, NEVER DO THE BREATHALYZER."

It was a good day.

Hiatus

until I am inspired.

Busy Signal

Please try your call again.

Balancing Act

You'd think a paralyzed man riding a bike across a wire 100 feet above the Chicago River would be exciting.





It was kind of boring though.

34-7, Before Halftime

If you are watching the Notre Dame - Michigan game right now, please feel free to join me a resounding
WTF?

Pop Quiz!

Are you a good daughter? Take this test and find out!

1. Your mom has an early flight out of a Chicago airport, so she's planning to come to the city the day before, stay the night with you, and you'll drop her at the airport in the morning. She's coming in on the train and asks if you can pick her up after work. It happens to be the day your company is holding its annual booze cruise. Do you:
A) Go on the boat cruise but stick to soda.
B) Go on the boat cruise and have five beers.

2. The boat docks at 4, and Mom won't be in until 6:30. Do you:
A) Return to work and get some overdue projects wrapped up.
B) Hit the bar with your co-workers and have a slew of margaritas.

3. Mom's train is delayed an hour. Do you:
A) Thank your lucky stars and switch to water so you can sober up.
B) Do a couple shots.

4. Your mom calls and says her train is finally in. Do you:
A) Grab a cab and pick her up.
B) Ask her to grab a cab and come to the bar.

5. Mom comes to the bar. She's excited about meeting your boss and co-workers. Do you:
A) Make cordial introductions and then hop in a cab and go for dinner.
B) Order up another round and yell "Hey everyone, this is my mom! Isn't she HOT?"

If you answered B to everything, congratulations! You're a terrible daughter, but you're fun so maybe no one will notice.

That's okay, I made it up to her by taking her and Josh out for a nice sushi dinner afterwards, and driving her to the airport at the butt crack of dawn this morning. Anyway, she reads the blog. I doubt she was surprised.
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Right now I am drinking a mimosa. It's okay to be jealous.

The Thong's the Thing

I stopped at the library on the way home the other night to refresh my supply of reading materials. As usual, the line to check out was long and slow-moving. I amused myself by listening to the two twelve year old boys behind me compare the virtues of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, the movie vs the book vs the video game. It was almost my turn when I spied a book I've been wanting to read on a nearby shelf. Instead of getting out of line, I set my stack of books on the floor and ducked under the rope to snag it. When I re-joined the line and picked up my books, the boys behind me were whispering heatedly.

"Did you see it?"
"Yeah! Did you?"
"Yeah. Purple!"
"Oh my god!"

That's when I realized they were talking about my thong. Which they must have gotten a couple of good looks at with all the bending and ducking. And which seems to have thrilled them endlessly. I had to stifle the urge to turn around and say "Stop it! I'm old enough to be your mother, you little perverts!" Instead I just stared straight ahead and tried to ignore the fact that they were probably staring at my ass.

Ew.

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A Blockbuster Night
Rented: Match Point
Hated it. HATE. What a piece of tripe. Predictable, plodding, pointless. I detested the turn they tried to make with Scarlett Johanssen's Nola about halfway through, from sexy and dangerous to shrill and harping. Also, the lead character was revolting. Waste of 2 hours of my life why don't you, Woody Allen.

Far Better: the movie we watched the night before.


"Don't FUCK with the babysitter"

Shenanigans

The Jeeb is subject to a Sexual Harrassment seminar later this morning, so we have one last hour to cram in (heh) all our naughty workplace behavior before it becomes a big fat no-no. I did a lap around the office this morning slapping butts and then stopped in the kitchen for coffee, where Suz copped a quick feel and then we tried to give my boss a titty-twister.

It's going to be an interesting morning.

Bored? Me too!

I NEED THESE. All of them. I don't think I can wake up tomorrow unless I can make oodles of baubles 'n bangles from beads.


The seventies: when it was still okay to say Indian

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Pointless Real Estate Search of the Week
I'll never buy it, or even go to look at it, but just TRY to tell me this isn't the cutest house in the whole wide world.



Upside: it's $100,000!
Downside: Michigan City.

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I learned something about myself today, namely that I would rather get wet than carry a boring black umbrella. Make of that what you will.

Welcome to the 21st Century

I finally broke down and did it. As of September 28th, I will be the proud recipient of cable TV.

The last time I had cable, there was this risque new show coming out called "Sex & the City" and watercooler talk in my office centered around last night's "Trading Spaces."

Dear god, someone please tell me what to watch.

Irrational Complaint of the Day

I really hate it when people do a Number Two in the ladies' room at work. Poo should be for home toilets only.

What Goes Around Comes Around

This morning when I got on the Brown Line, the end of the car was filled with a gaggle of CTA employees and those canvas buckets they tote around with their equipment inside. I eavesdropped as the group of train motormen nearest me compared runtimes and schedules, debating the pros and cons of Loopers vs. Shuttles. Then they moved on to complaining about riders who push the call button accidentally and fail to respond to the driver.

"I'm like, "Do you need assistance? DO YOU NEED ASSISTANCE?' And nothing. Nothing!" said one man.

"You should say what I say," replied another. He lowered his voice to a monotone. "What is your emergency.'"

The other motormen cracked up. "What is your emergency!" they hooted, slapping their thighs."Your emergency!"

I don't know either, but they thought it was hilarious.

At Belmont, they stood to shuffle the canvas buckets and seating arrangements. They were still standing when, in a move familiar to commuters across Chicago, the train suddenly and without warning lurched forward out of the station. Seasoned commuters were ready for it, but the motormen went sprawling. One guy fell right into another guy's lap, while three more just managed to snag handrails and save themselves from sailing down the aisle. They picked themselves up amid mutterings of "Damn!" and "Christ!" and "Why you gotta sit on me, man?"

I looked at the girl next to me and we grinned.

Nothing like a little taste of your own medicine for breakfast.

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First day of school!



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I was kind of bored on Saturday so I became an ordained minister. I am available for casual weddings, pet funerals, and Halloween.