Things To Do In Lieu of Smoke Breaks

› Pick at split ends
› Pick fight on Stereogum comments section
› Pick nose
› Hum Kelly Clarkson song
› Sniff watermelon-scented candle obsessively
› Binge drink
› Write fan letter to Michael Biehn

I love you, Cpl. Hicks
› Fixate on new ulcer
› Vandalize boss's office with Wite-Out® and Post-its®
› IM all Hot Married Boyfriends
› Choose name for Britney's baby (Kootie?)
› Mad Libs
› Work up nerve to take Ashlee Simpson picture to punk rock hairstylist
› Make helmet for cat

› Plot revenge
› Geek out over upcoming Trashcan Sinatras show
› Start rumor about sister
› Write terrible headline
› Blame terrible headline on new ulcer
› Cry
› Prank call Jane Pratt
› Shop for subversive baby clothes for new niece
› Buy shoes instead
› Falsify work timesheets
› Look for new job
› Pirate Ben Folds album
› Sign ex-boyfriend up for Christian spam
› Call self just to hear new ringtone
› Moisturize
› Smoke other stuff