Smackdown

I got into a fight last night with my son's Little League coach. Not a fistfight, but I'm not ruling anything out. What a fucking asshole.

Her baseball strategy goes something like this: her precious little son and her precious little nephew and their precious little friends all play the best infield positions, and they play the whole game, every game. Meanwhile, the other half of the team gets three innings in the outfield and then switches out. To rub a little salt in that wound, they're also at the end of the batting order so they get to bat once a game.

This has happened every game so far this year. As you can imagine, the Non-Related to Coach kids are no longer having fun, and their parents are starting to get pissed. After a parental pow-wow yesterday, I was nominated to take our concerns to the coach. The conversation went like this:

TR: Hi! Hey, I was just wondering, is Dylan going to be pulled after three innings for the rest of the season?
COACH: Uh...
TR: And is he only going to get one chance to bat every game for the rest of the season?
COACH: Well...
TR: I noticed that YOUR son never comes out.
COACH: [BLANK STARE]
TR: Ever.
COACH: [BLANK STARE]
TR: Because all the these kids are here to play. Not just the kids related to you.
COACH: [BLANK STARE]
TR: And another thing. If you're rotating them out, maybe you could put them closer to the front of the batting order? They should at least get to bat more than once.
COACH: Okay, that's a strategy.
TR: Listen lady, these kids are eleven and this is supposed to be fun. They all deserve to play. Dylan has never missed a practice, including the one that your coaches decided to end an hour early without bothering to tell the parents and instead of calling me to come and get him they just LEFT HIM THERE BY HIMSELF AT A PARK IN A VERY SKETCHY NEIGHBORHOOD FOR AN HOUR but maybe you don't remember that since you and Junior never even bothered to show up and even though I called and left a message on your answering machine you never returned my call.
COACH: [BLANK STARE]
TR: You're going to have to come up with something that's a little more fair, so all the kids get to play. The other parents and I would really appreciate it.
COACH: I guess I could talk to my other coaches and see if....
TR: You do that.
COACH: ...'kay.

Then I kicked dirt in her face and punched her in the jaw, all Michael Barrett-style.

* * * * *

BREAKING NEWS!
Blogger Down, Across America People Actually Having To Work
Local woman fights back by wasting hours on Craigslist

I'm not a crazy bitch but I play one on MTV.

Note to self: side business?

I sense an ultimatum at work here.

Some things are too heinous to admit, dude.

Ew.

This would be so awesome in my apartment.

See also: $3000 binky and $2500 wooby.

Adult size?

I *know* my siblings remember these.

Somebody just figured out why she's still single.