Arch-Enemies
You might think that once high school is over and you enter the world of adulthood you will no longer have enemies, those special people who would happily shove you under a bus if the opportunity should arise. Wrong! Like pimples, enemies don't magically disappear after you turn 18. Even non-superheros might find themselves with a nemesis or two. (Nemesi?) Here's the line up of people who would line up for the chance to kick my ass. (Were such a thing even possible.) ((Which it is not.))
ENEMY #1: The Green Slattern
Modus Operandi:
Dates your friends. Alter-ego pretends to be cool intellectual chick interested in befriending you, but once your back is turned transforms into a snarling, foaming ball of pure jealousy. Is convinced that you are trying to steal her boyfriend, even though you have a boyfriend of your own. Soon refuses to be in same room as you. Eventually issues ultimatum: you or her. Has the sex advantage; usually wins.
Disguise:
Two faces, invisible leash
Superpower:
Can read subtext into anything. Example: You invite her boyfriend to your birthday party. Obviously you want to bang him senseless.
ENEMY #2: Poison Tart
Modus Operandi:
The former friend who hates your guts for reasons that remain unclear. Is personally offended by your existence yet continues to read your blog. Occasionally leaves mean comments about your parenting, just for fun.
Superpowers:
Selective memory
Shit don't stank
Hideout:
Glass houses
Kryptonite:
Karma
ENEMY #3: Baby Ruthless
Modus Operandi:
Lives in apartment directly above you. Bangs toys on floor at 6AM on Sundays, from 6PM - 10PM on weeknights, and any moment your head touches a pillow. Has yet to learn words, so speaks Scream. Volume control set permanently at 10.
Disguise:
Onesie, diaper, drool
Superpowers:
Lung capacity of a blue whale
Does not appear to sleep
AKA: World's Most Effective Birth Control
If I'm leaving any enemies off the list - and I'm sure I am - feel free to let me know. Just please don't kidnap my elderly aunt and hold her hostage in a warehouse full of explosives and venomous snakes. Thank you.
ENEMY #1: The Green Slattern
Modus Operandi:
Dates your friends. Alter-ego pretends to be cool intellectual chick interested in befriending you, but once your back is turned transforms into a snarling, foaming ball of pure jealousy. Is convinced that you are trying to steal her boyfriend, even though you have a boyfriend of your own. Soon refuses to be in same room as you. Eventually issues ultimatum: you or her. Has the sex advantage; usually wins.
Disguise:
Two faces, invisible leash
Superpower:
Can read subtext into anything. Example: You invite her boyfriend to your birthday party. Obviously you want to bang him senseless.
ENEMY #2: Poison Tart
Modus Operandi:
The former friend who hates your guts for reasons that remain unclear. Is personally offended by your existence yet continues to read your blog. Occasionally leaves mean comments about your parenting, just for fun.
Superpowers:
Selective memory
Shit don't stank
Hideout:
Glass houses
Kryptonite:
Karma
ENEMY #3: Baby Ruthless
Modus Operandi:
Lives in apartment directly above you. Bangs toys on floor at 6AM on Sundays, from 6PM - 10PM on weeknights, and any moment your head touches a pillow. Has yet to learn words, so speaks Scream. Volume control set permanently at 10.
Disguise:
Onesie, diaper, drool
Superpowers:
Lung capacity of a blue whale
Does not appear to sleep
AKA: World's Most Effective Birth Control
If I'm leaving any enemies off the list - and I'm sure I am - feel free to let me know. Just please don't kidnap my elderly aunt and hold her hostage in a warehouse full of explosives and venomous snakes. Thank you.
Tequila Red called it a day @ 11:34 AM
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