Man with Questionable Taste Loses Most Valuable Possession

From Craigslist Missed Connections:

Someone stole my beer pong table that doubles as a tribute to Ashton Kutcher. It was hijacked from the garden patio in front of my condo. I spent over 2 hours and literally tens of dollars putting this thing together, so naturally I am willing to do whatever it takes to have it returned to me safely. I'm sure this is someone's sick idea of a good "pump'd", but all I want is my table back. No questions asked.

"Pump'd"? Doh!