Corporate Hangover

'Tis the season to mix and mingle with the ones you work with, as companies across the country take money that could have gone into bonuses and spend it instead on a buffet and well liquor. That's right: it's time for the office holiday party! A chance to eat, drink and be merry with a bunch of people you already see 40 hours a week!

But with the right attitude, and by following the simple rules below, it's easy to put the "fun" back into "work function."

How To Be The Life Of The Office Party
by Tequila Red

1. Dress the part. These people see you 5 days a week in cords and sweaters. A slinky top cut down to your belly button or sequined mini the size of a hanky reminds them that there's more to you than just that boring "professional" persona you project every day. (I got a raise after that holiday party, by the way. Coincidence? Doubtful.)

2. Be the welcome wagon. Make an effort to get to know your colleagues' spouses, particularly if they are attractive. Show that you know something about them by asking specific questions, like "You're still unemployed, right?" and "So, I hear you didn't come home last weekend." HINT: If you're not good with names, call them by a version of their mate's name (e.g. Mr. Lisa or David's Wife). They'll enjoy being included in the office camaraderie and feel like one of the gang.

3. Knock back a few. Forget the rule about about drinking in moderation. Being the drunkest person in the room is a good way to show your boss(es) that, no matter what you're doing, you always give it 100%.

4. Get handsy. Everyone loves a hug during the holidays, so don't be afraid to dish out the love. Sit on your boss's lap. Slap the CFO on the tushie. Bury your receptionist's face in your cleavage. There are many ways to share the healing power of touch at the office party.

5. Say cheese. Insist on being in as many photographs as possible. This increases your chance of having a picture without your eyes closed/mouth open/butt crack showing. And your co-workers will find it utterly hilarious when you yell "HEY NO PICTURES WITHOUT ME!" and run across the room to insert yourself between the CEO and his wife. If disposable cameras are being used, please remember to snap a few mysterious up-the-skirt or down-the-shirt pics.

6. Leave them wanting more. As soon the party starts to drag, gather up the coolest people and blow. Hit another party that the lamers weren't invited to, or perhaps a gay bar. You're dressed up - might as well not waste it on those nerds.

7. If you do stay til the end, don't drink and drive. If you're ready to go and you don't have enough money for a cab, a good thing to do is hitch a ride. Watch for a couple who looks like they're leaving, then follow them to their car and get in. They'll each think the other person offered you a ride, and probably they'll be too polite to discuss it in front of you. Try not to puke in their car.

8. Take Friday off. By the time you get back on Monday, everyone will have forgotten that you mooned the bartender when he cut you off and made out with the hot gay guy who sits across the hall. Make a deal with someone to confiscate the pictures. NOTE: please be courteous enough to post them on the Internet for everyone else to enjoy. Thanks.

With these simple suggestions, you're sure to have an office party worth remembering.

Even if you can't remember it.

[Confidential to my co-workers: tonight I drink you under the table, biznotches.]