Crappy

Scene: my office, this afternoon. The phone rings. It's my coworker, who is at a client's office getting ready to present some of our work.

ME: Hello, this is Kari.
HER: I am going to shit my pants.
ME: Oh god. What happened? Did they hate it?
HER: They haven't even seen it yet. I can't go in there. I have the flu and think I'm going to crap myself.
ME: Like, literally?
HER: LITERALLY.
ME: Huh. Maybe you could, oh I don't know, go to the bathroom?
HER: I tried! The client said, "Hey, I'll pee with you!" and followed me in. Who can take a dump when the client is in the next stall making chitchat?
ME: I see your point.
HER: This really sucks.
ME: So where is she now?
HER: I don't know. But I can't get up. I'm clenching.
ME: Heh.
HER: I feel like I'm going to die.
ME: I'm sorry.
HER: I hate everything.
ME: I know.
HER: God.
ME: Yeah.
HER: Alright, I'm gonna try to poop.
ME: OK. Let me know how it goes.
HER: I think I'll make it.
ME: Uh, I meant with the meeting.
HER: Whatever.
*click*