Windbag

So I saw on Gapers Block that some crazybitch from the New York Post wrote this weirdly nonsensical and rambling article about all the reasons Chicago sucks.

I believe this calls for a rebuttal.

WINDY CITY'S NO CINDY CITY
By CINDY ADAMS

EXCUUUUSE me? I read in last week's paper that The Second City - Chicago - is now calling itself the Number One City in America. Chicago, that toddlin' town, The First City?

Excuuuuse me? Take away Al Capone, the Merchandise Mart, O'Hare and Sinatra's favorite song and what have you got? A nice little gritty city that has decent beef, a few tolerable restaurants, some OK hotels, the stockyards and The Loop. But let us all calm ourselves . . . New York it's not.

First of all ... the Merchandise Mart? Who in Chicago has ever bragged about the Merchandise Mart? It's a large BOX. Also, the stockyards? Was she here during the 30's?

Guess she couldn't find any real live actual Chicago institutions to openly disdain.

Chicago's population is a piddling, shriveled 2.7 million. Please. I mean, please! P. Diddy has more than that in his bed alone.

Kanye thinks P. Diddy jokes are played.

[Deleted: large section about how NY has better criminals. Because, what?]

Chicagoans, get with it. You once had Wrigley, you once invented Crackerjacks, you once paraded hometowners Jane Addams and Upton Sinclair, you once had Mrs. O'Leary whose cow had a cow. But for right now, other than the freezingest coldest iciest lousiest weather anywhere, what are you the Number One in (other than the most flights a day to New York)

Well, we're the fattest city.

I don't say you're not nice people. You're very nice people. You've had some of the niftiest mayors money can buy. And nobody - not any single body - could ever beat Mayor Daley for popularity. Everybody was for Mayor Daley. Even dead people voted for him. So I'm not knocking your citizenry. But let's get real here. You just have to stop thinking you could ever beat the Big Apple.

I wonder what year she thinks it is?

Just take the creativity of our politicians. Like when we had a bad traffic problem. One councilman came up with the solution: encourage car theft. Hey, you got to admit, nobody in your town came up with that one.

"When we had a bad traffic problem"? Yesterday?

Yeah, you were big enough and important enough to have a World's Fair. But, dear ones, dear sweet minded Chicago persons, that was 1893. What have you done lately? We had us a World's Fair in 1939. Another in 1964.

No, seriously. What year?

Your tourism group burbles about Ada's Famous Deli. Well, wowwee! Well, now, shut my pastrami. We got us the Stage, Carnegie, Katz's, PJ Bernstein and, until an hour ago The Second Avenue Deli. We got us as locals Regis and Rudy and Rosie, Katie and Conan, Julianne and Julia, Liza and Lizzie, Woody and Whoopi, Dustin and Derek. We got us Barbara and Diane and Matt and Sarah Jessica. We got Bloomberg and Bloomingdale's. We got Steinbrenner and Sharpton. We got Yanks, we got franks. You got Oprah.

Regis? HA HA HA HA HA HA.

Art? You want to talk art? Picasso's "Garcon a la Pipe" was sold at Sotheby's. That's New York City. The record price was $104 million and some small change. Maybe some pitiful additional little dribble like maybe another hundred thou or so. You got what? Some cartoon from the Chicago Tribune?

Um...

Zoo? You want to talk zoo. We got us the A-Number-One in the whole world Bronx Zoo. You know why? Because we know that in New York animals must be kept behind bars - for their own protection.

Wha?

Surveys prove we got us the largest number of rich people. Now if these billionaire folks were wealthy enough to buy wherever they liked and live wherever they liked, you'll notice they did not move to Chicago. I mean, you're a very nice little town and everything, you even have some nice little shops and everything - but, dear ones, what is wrong with you? You are not New York. Even folk in downtown Atlanta know that.

No clue.

Do you have New York cheesecake? New York sirloin? New York bagels? New York water? New York Post? New York attitude? Of course not. And that is why I am being so easy and gentle with you because I realize you are a deprived lot.

Now, there are bigger issues at play here than Who Has The Biggest Skyscraper or White Sox vs. Yankees. Namely, why is Cindy Adams THE WORST WRITER EVER? And also, why didn't she mention things that New York does have an edge on, like a phenomenal live music scene or fantastic Broadway theater?

Why does one city have to be better than the other, anyway? Chicago isn't constantly ragging on Milwaukee, even though we're clearly cooler than those nerds to the north. So what's up, NY? What do you have to prove?

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Confidential to Ira Glass: Traitor.