Typical Thanksgiving

Turkey √
Football √
Naps √
Board games √
Cute babies √
8 hours in traffic √
Embarrassing childhood stories told to Boyfriend √
Embarrassing incident with baby monitor √
Lesbian french-kissing dog √
Near death experience √

* * * * * *
Walk the Line
I loved this movie just as much as I thought I would, minus the parts I couldn't hear because some crazy old bat two rows over was CHOMPING on CHEETOS as LOUDLY as ANY HUMAN HAS EVER CHEWED FOOD ANYTIME BEFORE EVER. Many thanks to the girl in front of us who finally went over and told Grandma to shut her toothless yap or everyone in the theater was going to pin her down and steal all her doilies.



* * * * * *
Goodbye. Again.
I will be in NYC tomorrow til Thursday on bizznast. Hopefully I will catch a show with my favorite yeti. Also, I will briefly fantasize about raiding the hotel minibar on the company dime before walking my ass to the corner store for a can of Pabst. Expense accounts: less fun than you think.
* * * * * *
Twenty-Twooooooooo
Happy Birthday Sissy-poo!

Andrea does the robot

Scrooged

My kids have been working on their Christmas lists for weeks. Dylan's is somewhat modest, but so far Olivia has asked for $150 worth of plastic crap. I'm not one of those hippy-dippy moms who only buys her kids educational wooden toys carved by Amish craftsmen, but I'm not a big fan of the Mattel lineup either; those toys seem like junk food for the brain. So this year I want to try something different.

There's a fancy-pants new cooking school down the street from my office, and they have a series of cooking classes for small people. Six Sundays of learning how to whip up everything from spaghetti & meatballs to cupcakes, for only $100. My shorties love to putter around in the kitchen, and I know they would adore going to these classes.

But... is this a crappy thing to unwrap on Christmas morning? Their dad and I would still pick up a few of the things they rilly rilly want from Toys 'R Us - aka The Third Circle of Hell - but the cooking class would be their biggest present.

What do you think? Cool gift they'll always remember, or ammunition for future therapy sessions?



* * * * *

Gobble
Tomorrow I head up to Motor City for Thanksgiving at my sis's house (incidentally? GM= Biggest Scrooge EVER). Concert Josh is coming with, proving once again that love really does make you do crazy things. If anything compelling goes down, I will hijack my sister's computer and post. Otherwise, catch y'all on Monday. Happy T-Day!

Things I Am Thankful For
Having the rest of the week off
Trader Joe's - Pumpkin cheesecake, tofurkey, and a new cashier who looks JUST like Rhett Miller. Yum.
Thrift stores
Caller ID
The Davis Theater - Yay, $5.50 movies!
An office with a door - SHUT UP BOOB.
$25 Old Navy jeans - I know why you're so cute!
Fresh mozzarella
Margaret Atwood - Just finishing The Robber Bride - SO GOOD.
Being a redhead
Email filters ... for all the account people I don't want to talk to.
Victory's Banner - Best brunch anywhere evs.
And all the usual suspects

Missed Connection w/Lloyd Dobbler

Sad or hilarious? You decide!

John Cusack - We Met Outside Your Movie Premiere - w4m - 26

Reply to: pers-113104296@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-11-22, 2:37PM CST


Johnny (you told me to call you that),

We met outside your movie premiere. It was a brief encounter, but I felt the connection; did you?

I wanted to tell you how beautiful your brown eyes were and how when we made eye contact, I wanted stay locked in your gaze forever...well, seriously: for a least a couple more seconds. I wanted to tell you I'd love to sit and talk with you because I think your world views are fascinating. I wanted to ask you how you choose which movies to be in. I wanted to get to know the real Johnny Cusack, not just the dude on the screen.

Alas, I was a mumbling, fumbling idiot who could only ask for your autograph (which you gave me, right before you shook my hand). Didn't I just look like the typical fan?

Anyway, I'm sure this post is written in vain, as I'm sure you never read CL. Why would you?

But if for some reason you do...I was wearing a black coat & a pink scarf (not to mention a big smile). I was the last person you talked to outside the theater before your handler scooted you onto the red carpet to dazzle the media.

And if you don't, well, I'm sure some of my friends are reading this and getting a big laugh out of it. And thank you for making my night.

this is in or around AMC - Illinois Ave.

Two Things

Quizzes from BlogThings are good for those Lazy Blogger Days. I like this one.

You are a Great Girlfriend

When it comes to your guy, you're very thoughtful. But you also haven't stopped thinking of yourself. You're the perfect blend of independent and caring. You're a total catch - make sure your guy knows it too!

Are You a Good Girlfriend?

* * * * * *

Also, please enjoy this picture of my neice dressed like a chicken.

The Worst

Raise your hand if you're so overworked that on Friday right before 5:00 someone called looking for one of the ten frajillion things you're writing and in the mad scramble to locate that particular script you accidentally closed the document you'd been working on all day and hit DON'T SAVE instead of SAVE and lost all the copy you'd been working on ALL DAY and a freelance art director was already waiting for it and the IT guy couldn't bring it back and so you had a complete breakdown and sobbed while your co-workers hugged you and rubbed your back and gave you a cigarette and sent you home and you felt a little better until you got to daycare to pick up your kids and realized that you left your keys on your desk and you're locked out of the house and even if you could find somebody to drive you back downtown your office key was on that keyring so you wouldn't even be able to get in the building and eventually you had to call your landlord and beg him to come and let you in and he was having dinner with his girlfriend and it was a really really long cold wait.

Anyone?

Maybe it was just me.

Subject: YOU ARE STUPID

----------
From:   Nicole
Sent:   Thursday, November 17, 2005 12:07 PM
To:     [UNNAMED RETAIL GIANT] TEAM
Subject:       Creative review MONDAY

The client has asked to see the first round of creative on Monday afternoon at 1

Nicole


----------
From:   Kari
Sent:   Thursday, November 17, 2005 12:05 PM
To:     Nicole; Peggy
Subject:        Re: Creative review MONDAY

Since I never received a brief, I assume I will NOT be working on this project?


----------
From:   Nicole
Sent:   Thursday, November 17, 2005 12:07 PM
To:     Kari; Peggy
Subject:       Re: Creative review MONDAY

I would assume that you would be as you are the copywriter for our materials.

Nicole


----------
From:  Kari
Sent:   Thursday, November 17, 2005 12:08 PM
To:   Nicole; Peggy
Subject:    Re: Creative review MONDAY

Then perhaps I might need the brief.

Just a thought.


----------
From:   Nicole
Sent:   Thursday, November 17, 2005 12:15 PM
To:     Kari; Peggy
Subject:        Re: Creative review MONDAY

My apologies, I looked back at my email and I must have forgotten to include you on the email I sent with the brief

Nicole


----------
From: Kari
Sent: Thursday, November 17, 2005 12:42 PM
To: Nicole; Peggy
Subject: Re: Creative review MONDAY

So ... could I get it?


----------
From:   Nicole
Sent:   Thursday, November 17, 2005 12:44 PM
To:     Kari; Peggy
Subject:        Re: Creative review MONDAY

oops, sorry - thought Peggy was giving it to you

[[Sandwich Shop POS brief.doc]]

Nicole


----------
From:   Peggy
Sent:   Thursday, November 17, 2005 12:51 PM
To:     Kari
Subject:        Re: Creative review MONDAY

OMFG how does she dress herself every day


----------
From:   Kari
Sent:   Thursday, November 17, 2005 12:55 PM
To:     Peggy
Subject:        Re: Creative review MONDAY

With a lot of velcro, I bet.

Less Bloggie, More Workie

I hate my job so so much right now. All the account people on this project are total fucking retards. I wish I could quit. I wish they'd all get hit by a truck. I wish I had a cigarette. FUCK.

Give Me Two Clicks

I want to be the Blogging Hottie Of The Month! Or, I at least want to get more than 9 votes, one of which was mine.

The poll is in their sidebar and it's already defaulted to me - you have only to click the Submit button.

I would also like a pony, silver rollerskates and a bottle of scotch, if it's not too much trouble.

Three Sentence Stories

... added to weird, random pictures I found on the Internets. Because, why not?

* * * * * *
Father of the Bride

"Oh god ... is that-?"

"JUST KEEP WALKING."

Angela knew her father would find a way to fuck up her wedding day.



* * * * * *
The Snack

His parents are vegetarians. His siblings are vegetarians. But sometimes temptation is simply too much for Maurice.



* * * * * *
Reunited, And It Feels So Good

When Donnie invited her to the beach, Janine knew he totally wanted to get back together. "It was so romantic," she told her friends later. "It's like we were the only two people in the world."

* * * * * *

I Love You Sew Much

Two days after state lawmakers passed a bill making it legal to marry small appliances, Jared and Singer Model No. 4392 made their love official. Residents of this small town were stunned. Said one UPS driver, "Cripes, I could have sworn that guy was gay."



* * * * * *

Come on, try one:

What I Did This Weekend

• Whooped it up bloggy-style at the Horseshoe on Friday.


TR, The Jade, and a very bored Concert Josh


The birthday girl

• Stayed in with the Boy on Saturday. Watched movies, found a hair in my Thai food. Ate cereal.

• The less said about Sunday, the better.

* * * * * *
Boo. Hiss.
The evil ex-boyfriend put in an unwelcome appearance on my voicemail this weekend. In a message I'm sure he thought sounded charmingly nervous, but I found calculated and moronic, he hemmed and hawed and stammered something about dialing my number earlier in the evening by "accident."

Please. I've used that excuse myself. WITH HIM. You do it when you want to talk to someone but you're scared to call them - then you know they'll see your number on their phone but WHOOPS! Sorry! Just pressed the wrong button! Sat on my phone in a taxi! Thought you were someone else! I didn't actually want to talk to you... but now that you're on the line, how's everything going? Oh, and by the way, I'm in town. I'd love to see you!

I ignored the message - and the follow-up text message - because I'm running out of ways to say GET THE HELL OUT OF MY LIFE YOU EMOTIONAL VAMPIRE, AND WHY DO YOU STILL HAVE MY NUMBER IN YOUR CELL PHONE ANYWAY? Concert Josh has kindly volunteered to say these things for me (and more), but first let's see if ignoring it makes it go away.

Kindred Spirits

Uber hottie Melmar will be celebrating her b-day tonight at the local honky-tonk. While Melmar's actual birthday isn't until Monday, she wisely chose this evening to whoop it up with her adoring fans. Super Chicago Bloggers The Jade and Concert Josh will be among those attending.

How Melmar & I Became Friends
When I first started here at the Jeeb, my co-workers weren't especially friendly. But one night I managed to wrangle an invitation to go see the print production guy's band.

At the Elbo Room, I was sitting with Melmar and a couple of other work peeps when some random couple came over and struck up a conversation. The girl especially seemed to take a shine to me. Throughout the night she flashed me coy little smiles from across the room. "I think that girl's flirting with me," I told my co-workers. They sighed and rolled their eyes and hated me a little more.

But not ten minutes later the boy half of the couple wandered over. "My girl and I have a bet going over which one of us will kiss you first," he said. I looked over at the girl. She giggled and waved. The co-workers stared.

I told him to buy me a drink and we'd talk. I tried to look nonchalant, like strange couples hit on me every day. My colleagues whispered furiously.

The boy hit the the bar and I mentally flipped through damage control options. Suddenly his girlfriend stood up and strode across the room. She grabbed a fistful of my hair, tilted my head back and laid a long, wet kiss on me. In front of everyone. THAT I WORK WITH. "You lose," she told her boyfriend when he got back with our drinks. He shrugged, sipped his beer, and suggested a three-way smooch. Recovery was hopeless by that point, so I settled for putting on a good show.

I knew it was gonna be bad at the office the next day, and it was. Stares, whispers, muffled laughter. By lunch the whole company knew. I hid in my cube, wondering how hard it would be to find another job. And then Melmar stopped by.

"Oh Kari," she grinned. "You and I are going to be great friends."


Partners in sometimes non-metaphorical crime

Hoo-ah!

In honor of Veteran's Day, my favorite Army joke:

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

Hug A Vet Today
If she's really cute and you know her well enough, a little tongue would not be out of the question.

10 Signs Your Rock Band Sucks

1. You draw comparisons to a Christian rock Rush cover band.
2. One dude is pumping his fist, everyone else is stabbing you with their eyes.
3. You have a retardoed name like "Criteria."
4. You don't have a single chick groupie.
5. Some girls in the front row actually have their ears covered.
6. People consider suing charity to recover ticket cost.
7. Even security is like, WTF?
8. Your tight, tight pants burn holes in my retinas.
9. "We have one more song!" elicits cheers, because you're going away soon.
10. At least one person in the audience would rather be at the dentist.

Celebrity Sighting! Sort Of!

An attractive man was standing on the corner near my office yesterday and talking on his cell phone. As I walked by, someone approached him and asked for an autograph. We made eye contact and he gave me a cute, semi-exasperated, gotta-please-the-fans smile.

I don't know who he was though.

Traumatized

I'm a big baby about the dentist. I realize that this is thoroughly ridiculous coming from someone who paid to have a metal bar shoved through her tongue, but I don't care. There was a trauma when I was 7 that involves a tooth pulling and a dentist who didn't wait for anesthesia to kick in, and the mere thought of sitting in a dentist's chair is enough to make me break out in a cold sweat.

So when our insurance changed this year, I put off finding a new dentist as long as possible. But today I finally had to cowboy up.

It was time to get my teeth cleaned.

My new dentist turned out to be a motherly African American woman with a reassuring habit of calling me Honey. I told her I was nervous but she smiled and said not to worry. Then she caught sight of my tongue ring. "How long have you had this ... piercing?" she asked. Distaste fairly dripped from her voice.

And from that point on, I was totally screwed.

First she swabbed my gums with a long Q-tip and - without warning - began jabbing holes in them with a sharp scary thing. Not fun, but I forced myself to stay calm. Then The Most Sadistic Dentist In Chicago handed me a flashlight with a little mirror attached. "I'm just going to show you something," she said sweetly. I got one glimpse of bloody gums and almost passed out.

"I don't think so," I said, dropping the flashlight into her lap. I fought the urge to get out of the chair and run, but I couldn't control the tears slipping out of the corners of my eyes.

The Meanest Dentist Ever had no sympathy. "I don't know why you're crying," she muttered. "This doesn't even hurt." For the next 20 minutes she tsk-tsked and sighed and scraped and poked, and I cried and cried.

By the time she finished, I was shaking all over and had mascara smudged across my face. The World's Evilest Dentist eyed me cooly. "No cavities," she said, sounding slightly disappointed. "But I think we should talk about braces."

Braces! It was the final straw. I pulled off my plastic cape and climbed out of the chair. "Yeah, no," I said, grabbing up my bag and coat. "No braces for me, but thanks."

I was supposed to stop at the front desk and schedule a return appointment for six months but I didn't even slow down. As I fled into the elevator the last thing I heard The Mengele Of Tooth Doctors say was, "And she NEEDS to get rid of that tongue ring."

I cried all the way back to work. Then I ate a Butterfinger. Take THAT, dentists of the world!

Assholes.

The Weekend: Kind of Quiet

Cheap-Ass Landlord Turns Off Heat
64 degrees outside is warm; in your house, not so much

Concert Josh Hangs With Kids
Whoopee cushion mutually entertaining

9 Out of 10 Friends Feel Need to Comment On Boyfriend Situation
Phrases heard most often include:
     "You're in love! How CUTE!"
     "Who'd have thunk it!?"
     and "He'll wise up soon enough"

ND Looking Good
Quinn is top 5 Heisman candidate, totally smoking hott



ALSO IN SPORTS: I Wouldn't Do That If I Were You

Late Night Phone Call Interrupted
Little Sis abruptly ends conversation with "Oh crap, the cops are here"

HALO Played For 8 Hours Straight
Slacker mom takes nap, does crossword

Lack Of Angst, Nekkid Pictures Leave Blog Kind of Boring
Tequila Red finding it hard to care

Rush Hour Meat Market

No one's hit on me on the L for a while and now I know why:

I'm riding in the wrong car.



I especially love that it says, "If you're old, married and busted, please move along." HA!

(link via Gapers Block)

Booooooty!

It's late but I had to post this picture of my daughter getting checked out by a pervy plastic ghost. It was a completely unintentional set up, believe me, but it makes me laugh and laugh.


More kid Halloweenie pics.

Guilty Viewing Pleasures

I have terrible taste in TV. That I watch it at all is horrifying enough for my more culturally elitist friends, who either don't own televisions or claim to only watch BBC. One guy I used to date was so ashamed of his TV that he kept it hidden under a colorful blanket he swore was handwoven by an indigenous tribe in New Guinea.

I don't play that game. I love my TV, and the badder the better. It's a good thing I don't have cable.

10 Terrible Shows I Love To Watch

1. Reba
She's a country singer. It's on the WB. On FRIDAY NIGHT. I know! But Reba is also one of the only shows that makes me laugh out loud, with the sharpest writing and strongest cast of any sitcom on TV right now. I made my boyfriend watch it last week and we laughed our asses off. I love you, dear stupid Van. BEST THING ABOUT THE SHOW: singing along with the theme song

2. America's Next Top Model
It's vapid. It's pointless. It stars Tyra Banks. But the bitchfights, cattiness and unintentionally hilarious speeches by Tyra make this one hour of high entertainment. And any show where a girl talks drunkenly to a giant potted plant she's named Cousin It is quality programming, in my book. BEST THING ABOUT THE SHOW: when Tyra tries to be sMarT

3. What I Like About You
So it's that show with Jennie Garth and Amanda Bynes? And they're sisters? And they fight a lot? Or something? It's kind of pointless and fluffy but if I'm home and it's on, I'm watching. Jennie Garth has pretty pretty hair. BEST THING ABOUT THE SHOW: The drinking game that goes with it. Amanda Bynes dances - DRINK!

4. Maury Povich
But I really do need to know if that lady will ever find her baby's daddy! Eigth time's the charm! BEST THING ABOUT THE SHOW: When it's not.

5. Veronica Mars
If you watch it, you're probably all like "HEY! This show is excellent! Even critics love it! So shut your stupid ass-face!" But have you ever tried to explain to someone what it's about? "So like she's in high school, and she's a detective. And someone killed her friend last year and it turned out to be her friend's boyfriend's dad because they were having an affair. And then her friend's boyfriend's dad tried to kill Veronica except it didn't work and good thing because now she and Duncan are BACK TOGETHER!!"

I'm sorry, do you not hear yourself?
BEST THING ABOUT THE SHOW: the snark

6. Everybody Loves Raymond
I know, and I'm not proud of it. But it's on when I'm cooking dinner and if I have to choose between that and AccessTonightHollywoodEntertainmentInsider, I'm going with Peter Boyle. So shoot me. BEST THING ABOUT THE SHOW: Peter Boyle

7. Grey's Anatomy
It's a pretty popular show and everything, but that doesn't make it any less a melodramatic, messy and not that interesting ripoff of ER. Plus I hate the everloving shit out of that girl who plays Meredith. Bitch has a crazy Joker mouth. BEST THING ABOUT THE SHOW: They play a lot of Tegan & Sara. And I still have a crush on Patrick Dempsey.

8. MadTV
I'm not in love with the current cast, but in its heyday MadTV could wipe the floor with Saturday Night Live's anemic ass. BEST THING ABOUT THE SHOW: "He look-a like-a man!" "Bunifa Latifah Halifa Sharifa Jackson!" and "Hey, look what I can do!" HAHAHAHAHA!

Yes, I realize none of you know what I'm talking about. Shut up.

9. Boston Legal
Remember when this show used to be good? Last year? Now it's a ham-fisted, scenery-chewed, sprawling piece of poo. But William Shatner is still fucking awesome. BEST THING ABOUT THE SHOW: James Spader in a suit

10. Extreme Home Makeover
I was at a party once, sitting around a table with a bunch of dudes when someone brought up this show. "Oh man," said one guy, "I cry like a baby at the end of that show. Every time!" The other guys immediately nodded and made similar confessions. Yes, it's manipulative when the blind cop who's raising his sister's 14 handicapped kids by himself since his wife died of toenail cancer gets a special braille oven that will allow him to run his catering business that feeds the homeless, but if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye then YOU HAVE NO HEART. You robot. BEST THING ABOUT THE SHOW: When they MOVE THAT BUS!

PROGRAMMING NOTE: #2 and #5 are on UPN tonight. I know where I'll be!

[UPDATE: Reruns. Watched 'em anyway.]

Why The Other Parents Hate Me

Olivia had a Halloween program at school yesterday. I was running late and parking in the neighborhood was scarce. At an intersection, the SUV just ahead of me put on her right blinker but then decided to whip a last minute U-turn instead. She came about 2 inches from ramming into my car. Naturally, I laid on my horn and flipped that bitch the bird.

Then I realized her son is in the same class as my daughter.

Whoops.