But I'll Be In Michigan Til Friday

I'm not sure which of you wonderful freaks posted this on CL but I'm tempted to drive back here for it.

Meeting of the Tequila Red Fan Club

Reply to: pers-120826812@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-12-27, 5:07PM CST


Hi, all members of the TRFC are to meet at the tiny lounge thursday @ 9pm. Meet to discuss:

- Blog html redesign
- Latest blog entry on tops of 2005
- Current status of concert josh

See ya there!
this is in or around Tiny Lounge

The Presents

Remember the Cabbage Patch Kids Christmas rush twenty years ago? How every kid in America WAS GOING TO DIE unless they got a doll with Xavier Roberts' signature across the butt? And how parents mobbed the stores, ripping them off the shelves and out of the hands of other, wimpier parents? This year's Cabbage Patch Kid was the Big Babyz Bratz Doll and let me tell you, I couldn't find one of those little fuckers anywhere. I hit every store in Chicago, Josh checked the suburbs, I tried ordering it online but they were GONE. Sure, some opportunists had them on ebay for like a $100 but we're talking about a $20 doll here, and shipping time was growing short. So I gave up and bought the mini version of the doll and a Toys R Us gift card. A few days before Christmas, I tried to prepare Liv for the fact that she wasn't going to find a Big Babyz Bratz Doll under the tree.

"Don't worry, Mom," she said with supreme confidence. "Santa will bring me one."

And what do you know.


Livvy with the doll that Santa Clause (aka "Dad") tracked down at a Wal-Mart two hours outside of the city in the town where we used to live around midnight of the day before Christmas Eve. It was the last one on the shelf, natch.
* * * * *

The rest of us didn't do too badly either. I got a sweet digital camera from my fantasmic boyfriend, and a fancy color printer from my ex-husband. Here is Concert Josh with his favorite gift:



Other Hollyday Highlights include:

• a great Cougars show last Thursday, followed by nine solid hours of drinking
• getting up the next day and taking the kids to Josh's parents' house for a Christmas party
• my boyfriend accidentally spilling red wine down the front of my pink shirt at his parents' Christmas party
• Christmas night shenanigans that started out as "a couple of drinks" and turned into us closing down the Beachwood and Nick's six hours later
• a 6am text message on Concert Josh's phone from his friends telling him he has an "awesome chick"
• the 13 hours of sleep I got last night
• still wearing my pajamas at 4 pm

Coming up next: my trip back to the homestead, where there are babies to kiss and more presents to open, and my sister has promised to introduce me to her new best friend, legendary Notre Dame quarterback Tony Rice. Yeah!

* * * * *
You'll Shoot Your Eye Out

MOM: I still need to get Dylan a Christmas present. You don't want to know what Dad wants to buy him.
TEQUILA RED: Oh god. What?
MOM: A BB gun.
TEQUILA RED: NO.
MOM: I told him.
TEQUILA RED: NO. The last thing that kid needs is a BB gun.
MOM: I know it.
TEQUILA RED: There will be no guns in this house, ever.
MOM [TO DAD]: Kari says no. No guns in the house.
DAD: But the guys upstairs have guns!
TEQUILA RED: Um, the COPS who live upstairs?
MOM: I think we'll go with the iPod Shuffle.
TEQUILA RED: Good idea.


Dylan, who also did not get a giant bunny suit.

Merry XXX-mas

Fun things to do on Christmas:

1) Watch kids open presents.

2) Make omelets with ex-husband.

3) Get ripped at bar with boyfriiend with lots of new friends and have triuble typing blog entry.

DUh. 3 Is the corrrext answer! MerrY Chhristmas Tequila Red Opeeps! I.m too drunk too proofread but I hope you allhad A lovely hiloday,

No Comment

I know that some of you can't see the comments section. I'm a-working on it.

2005 In Review

This year I turned 30. I fell in love. I lost someone I loved. I watched people close to me achieve incredible things; I watched people close to me struggle. I threw parties and held babies and was in a movie. Friendships were made and broken.

One thing you could say for 2005: It was never boring.

The Best & Worst of 2005

The 4 Best Movies I Got Around To Seeing This Year
"Walk the Line"
"40 Year Old Virgin"
"Bride & Prejudice"
"Sin City"

4 Movies I Haven't Seen Yet But That Look Pretty Good
"Me And You And Everyone We Know"
"Brokeback Mountain" [UPDATE: Saw it. Eh.]
"Syriana"
"Murderball"

An Hour and a Half of My Life I Want Back


Album of the Year
Illinois by Sufjan Stevens. Hands down.

Top 5 Live Music Shows
1. U.S.E. at Schubas
2. Old 97’s at Park West
3. Old 97’s at "The Break Up" movie shoot
4. Hold Steady at the Empty Bottle
5. Decibully at Schubas

My Favorite Song of the Year
"In This Home On Ice" by Clap Your Hands Say Yeah

My Real Favorite Song of the Year
"Since U Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson

Best Trends
• Cowboy boots
• Gay cowboy movies
• HNT
• Quitting smoking [13 days and counting]
• Blue jeans that cover your asscrack

Worst Trends
• Cuddle parties
• Finding music fame via the stupid goddamn OC
• Retarded gas prices
• Gay marriage bans
• The steady erosion of our basic civil rights
• Gauchos

The Closest I Came to Crying Over a Football Game
October 15, the final five seconds of Notre Dame v USC

Biggest Bitch
Mother Nature

Worst Timing


5 Favorite Websites
Post Secret
Overheard in New York
Television Without Pity
Pointless Sites
Chicago Craigslist

Best New Arrivals









People We Miss

"Pleasures" Is A Stupid Name For A Perfume

Gwyneth Paltrow is a beautiful woman. So why is her new Estee Lauder perfume campaign so gross?



Hi, was this picture taken in 1992? And why is the angle so low? It makes her head look funny. And one of her eyes is all squinty. And I think she was scratching her neck. What's up with the Chiclet teeth? Her hair looks kind of dirty too, and the woman has bodacious hair. If this was the best picture they got I'd hate to see the rest of the roll.

Plus, that TV ad where she's playing with a labrador puppy in a field of flowers? Makes me want to scratch out my own eyeballs it's so painfully unoriginal. Who comes up with this shit? Advertising is stupid.

What's My Motivation?
I am working exactly 2 more days this year. I am also considering taking off the first week in January, if that's okay with you.

Sayonara '05
Best Of and Worst Of list coming soon!

Probably.

You're Not The Boss Of Me

Man, I hate it when dinner tells me what to do.

Yes, Mom.

* * * * * *
Bitches Ain't Shit
On Friday, the local Adult Contemporary "rock" station had Ben Folds headlining a pricey charity Christmas concert. I wasn't there, but one of the other musicians on the bill was Alanis Morrisette if that tells you anything. So anyway, Ben Folds comes out, sits down at the piano, and immediately breaks into this song. Which won't surprise anyone who's ever been to one of his shows, but apparently did not go over too well with this crowd. Nor did all the M-Fers peppering his stage banter. The radio station issued an apology for the performance this morning, calling it "inappropriate" at an all ages holiday show and vowing that Ben Folds would never be asked to return. I say: HA HA HA HA HA! I love you Ben Folds.

Dear The Mix:

In the future, stick to Rob Thomas and Johnny Resnick. Fools.

Love,

TR and BF

* * * * * *
Movie Review: King Kong
If you bring your 3 year old to a 3 hour movie, this makes you a bad parent.
If you let your 3 year old talk throughout the 3 hour movie, this make you a bad parent.
If you do not take your 3 year old out of the movie when she's terrified of the big loud scary monkey and screaming her tiny head off, this makes you a bad parent.
King Kong is not a movie for 3 year olds. YOU ARE A BAD PARENT.
Plus, you owe us $30.


"Mom! Hey Mom! Is that the monkey? Is he angry? Why is the monkey angry? Is he going to eat the lady? Huh? Is he? Is he gonna eat her? Look at the monkey RUN! Monkey runs fast! Oh no! No no no no! THEY'RE HURTING THE MONKEY I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN THEY HURT THE MONKEY MAKE THEM STOP HURTING THE MONKEY RIGHT NOW. Aw, monkey is sleeping. Hey, Mom? Mom? Mom, is the monkey sleeping? Mom! That monkey is sleeping, right? Oh, poor monkey is TIRED. Poor tired monkey. Sleepy-sleep time! Nighty-night, monkey! Sometimes I go to sleep! Sometimes I do! And I get into bed and I wear my pajamas and you tuck me in and BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH... "

Sick
I'm not one to point fingers but SOMEBODY gave me their cold. I feel like shizz so I'm going home and crawling into bed right ........ now.

Eat Fresh

Damn, that Subway diet really does work.



(Yes, those are Jared's actual pants.

It's okay to be jealous.)

Whatcha Think?

Instead of A) working or B) posting, I've been playing around with a new design. It still needs some work - Miss Thang over by dere is crying out for some Photoshop attention to her hair - and BOY HOWDY is it pink, but for now I think I like it.

Maybe.

We'll see.

[UPDATE: Hugs and kisses to my cousin Randi and her fabulous boyfriend Mike for Photoshopping my girl on the right. Much better! xoxox]

[[ALSO: I know parts of it are missing when you view it in Explorer. What I don't know is, how do I fix it.]]

[[[Nevermind.]]]

Fire Sale

Shit! Some asshole went and burned down my favorite thrift store last night.



My whole neighborhood smells like melting polyester.

I Love My Job

Yeah. The office party was fun.

Corporate Hangover

'Tis the season to mix and mingle with the ones you work with, as companies across the country take money that could have gone into bonuses and spend it instead on a buffet and well liquor. That's right: it's time for the office holiday party! A chance to eat, drink and be merry with a bunch of people you already see 40 hours a week!

But with the right attitude, and by following the simple rules below, it's easy to put the "fun" back into "work function."

How To Be The Life Of The Office Party
by Tequila Red

1. Dress the part. These people see you 5 days a week in cords and sweaters. A slinky top cut down to your belly button or sequined mini the size of a hanky reminds them that there's more to you than just that boring "professional" persona you project every day. (I got a raise after that holiday party, by the way. Coincidence? Doubtful.)

2. Be the welcome wagon. Make an effort to get to know your colleagues' spouses, particularly if they are attractive. Show that you know something about them by asking specific questions, like "You're still unemployed, right?" and "So, I hear you didn't come home last weekend." HINT: If you're not good with names, call them by a version of their mate's name (e.g. Mr. Lisa or David's Wife). They'll enjoy being included in the office camaraderie and feel like one of the gang.

3. Knock back a few. Forget the rule about about drinking in moderation. Being the drunkest person in the room is a good way to show your boss(es) that, no matter what you're doing, you always give it 100%.

4. Get handsy. Everyone loves a hug during the holidays, so don't be afraid to dish out the love. Sit on your boss's lap. Slap the CFO on the tushie. Bury your receptionist's face in your cleavage. There are many ways to share the healing power of touch at the office party.

5. Say cheese. Insist on being in as many photographs as possible. This increases your chance of having a picture without your eyes closed/mouth open/butt crack showing. And your co-workers will find it utterly hilarious when you yell "HEY NO PICTURES WITHOUT ME!" and run across the room to insert yourself between the CEO and his wife. If disposable cameras are being used, please remember to snap a few mysterious up-the-skirt or down-the-shirt pics.

6. Leave them wanting more. As soon the party starts to drag, gather up the coolest people and blow. Hit another party that the lamers weren't invited to, or perhaps a gay bar. You're dressed up - might as well not waste it on those nerds.

7. If you do stay til the end, don't drink and drive. If you're ready to go and you don't have enough money for a cab, a good thing to do is hitch a ride. Watch for a couple who looks like they're leaving, then follow them to their car and get in. They'll each think the other person offered you a ride, and probably they'll be too polite to discuss it in front of you. Try not to puke in their car.

8. Take Friday off. By the time you get back on Monday, everyone will have forgotten that you mooned the bartender when he cut you off and made out with the hot gay guy who sits across the hall. Make a deal with someone to confiscate the pictures. NOTE: please be courteous enough to post them on the Internet for everyone else to enjoy. Thanks.

With these simple suggestions, you're sure to have an office party worth remembering.

Even if you can't remember it.

[Confidential to my co-workers: tonight I drink you under the table, biznotches.]

Where There's Smoke, There's Hellfire

The Chicago City Council votes on a citywide smoking ban today. Unlike most smokers, I think it's a dandy idea. I hate smoking around the Clean Lung Brigade anyway, and maybe this will be the push I need to kick the habit for good.

Or, maybe I just need this ashtray.



Shopping for your favorite sinner? Find great gifts like the Unborn Baby Ornament (US Troop Model) and the "Turn or Burn" Gift Basket at MissPoppy.com!

[UPDATE: The ban passed but it gives bars like two and a half years to comply, so, you know, whatever.]

* * * * *
9 - 3!
For the Bears fan on your list, you can't go wrong with something special from the Shave Kyle Orton's Neckbeard gift shop. Be sure to stop by and sign the Shave Kyle petition! Then rest your chin in your hand and stare off into the middle distance while you wonder what Rex Grossman is doing right now.

* * * * *
One More
For the family that loves to wear matching outfits, I've found just the thing.

Public Service Announcement

Women of Chicago:

It's that half of the year again. Winter. And with temperatures currently dipping to record lows, some of you might find yourselves so desperate for warmth that you make begin to make questionable decisions. But, please. I beg of you. No matter how cold it gets, no matter how long your wait for the bus or how how many blocks you live from Bloomingdales, no matter what your girlfriend Jen totally said two years ago, please ladies, just remember one thing.

Fuzzy bucket hats are never the right answer.



This message brought to you by Citizens Against Head Fug © 2005

EOE

A new art director is interviewing at our agency right now.

She is cuter than me.

Bitch.

I Don't Want To Be Your Friend

I've never understood people who manage to remain friends with their exes. I've only done it the once, and strictly by necessity.

Usually when I dump someone it's my little way of saying, "Hey, you know what would be great? My life, without you in it." And when I get dumped, I'm too hurt or angry or dumbfounded to even think about spending time with someone so evil, who, by the way, will never find anyone who loves him as much as he loves himself. Friends? No thanks.

Almost all breakups are, to some degree, unpleasant. They are messy and painful and at the bottom of it, somebody just isn't .... something enough. It's rejection, no matter how you tart it up and trot it out. And while it is possible to eventually get past the hurt/regret/anger/resentment and find something resembling neutral territory, honestly, why bother? Go out and make a new friend already.

Here is something I have learned: there are only three reasons someone would break up with you and want to remain friends. Either 1) they harbor guilt and feel the need to reassure themselves repeatedly that you are in fact OK after losing the wonderment that is them, 2) they want to keep you on the back burner Just In Case, or 3) they can't stand the thought of someone out there actually disliking them.

I think in the Ferrari's case, it's a super-fun mixture of all three.

My last communication with him was very clear. He'd done something unintentional yet unforgivable. I blasted him for it via email. He offered a rather lame apology and then tried to turn things conversational. How was I? Was I writing much? How's the weather in Chitown? I did not reply. Nine months passed. Then I got the "Whoops, didn't mean to call YOU" voice message with accompanying texts. I did not reply. Now comes the email. The sorry-I-drunk-dialed-you-hope-you're-good-I-think-about-you-sometimes-you-meant-so-much-to-me email. The please-write-back-and-let-me-know-how-you're-doing email. The Let's Be Friends email. And it's bullshit.

I don't want to be his friend. I don't want to wax nostalgic over the "good" old days. I don't want to know how his life is turning out or what he's working on right now or how he's wearing his hair or if he has a pimple. I just want him to stay away, so I can close the door on that part of my life. I've moved on. Time for him to move on too.

And anyway, I have enough friends.

What's Wrong With Ex-Boyfriends?

Everything.

I Heart (Parts Of) NY

So, this time around I actually managed to squeeze in some Non-Work New York Funtime, including a jaunt to the East Village with a very cool Yeti and his equally fabulous girlpal. On Tuesday night we had dinner at the ultra-adorable Yaffa cafe, and then followed it up with many many many drinks, including lots of free Sparks at a bar decorated with toilet paper and porn. According to Jerry, I am much less nerdy than he expected. Of course, he said that before I turned the corner from Cute Drunk Girl to Loud Annoying Drunk Girl somewhere around 1AM. Sorry bout that Jer!


pilfered porn centerpiece from some bar

Of note: near 70 degree weather in Manhattan, several successful solo rides on the subway, goat cheese pizza, and a mini shopping expedition through Soho. Plus, some dude with two mohawks invited me to go to Israel. Oh, and I finished up a couple of TV commercials or something.

Now its back to cold hard reality. Like, literally. It's MAYBE 20 degrees in downtown Chicago today, and not much more than that in my office. I'm wearing a coat, gloves, hat and scarf right now. Have you ever tried to type with gloves on? It ain't easy, so shut it. Plus there were like 150 emails in my inbox this morning since our dauntless IT guy failed to set up my shiny new laptop for wireless access. Here's to you, Mr. IT Guy Who's Too "Busy" To Actually Help People Do Work And Then Has The Nerve To Suggest They Are Stupid For Not Figuring It Out Themselves! Have a Budweiser, ya punk!

* * * * * *
Yes. You waited several days for that. Sorry. Please see Customer Service for a full refund.