Juicy

Big Important Meeting today. I get up early, make myself pretty, press my cutest outfit and am work by 6:30. At 6:35, I open the refrigerator to get creamer for my coffee and some asshat's bowl of old nasty strawberries takes a dive from the top shelf, spilling red berry juice all down the front of my WHITE PANTS.

Some days I wonder why I bother to get up at all.

Go Cart

This morning, I commuted to work carrying a mini shopping cart filled with pears and jars of salsa. For the record, this is not the best accessory for catching a cab. You may have to wait an hour, get stared at by half of Chicago, lug the cart three blocks to a major intersection, call two cab companies (in vain), get stared at some more, and finally stash it behind a utility box until you fool a cab driver into picking you up. You may or may not also be driven by sunstroke to make several phone calls to your boss and co-workers informing them of the many favors they now owe you.


taxi repellant

* * * * *
The cart is a prop for a HUGE new bizness pitch we have tomorrow. I have to be at the office before 7 AM, and I just found out I am presenting part of the work. I also just peed myself a little. Yikes.

* * * * *
I think I got promoted today?

See, The Jeeb recently changed names so we all had to get new business cards. Mine were on my desk when I got here, and there is a shiny new title under my name. Interestingly, it is a full two notches above my old title. Whether it comes with a hefty raise remains to be seen.

* * * * *
Weekend Headlines

Blogger Catfight on Saturday Night
Both parties too classy to report it on Internet. Or not.

Drunken Girl Denied Entrance To Dive Bar
Loudly denounces bouncer, falls over into bike rack, hails taxi

Little League Team Continues Losing Streak
Boyfriend, sister unimpressed by Keystone Cops of coaching

Thrift Score!
Pink & black Diane Von Furstenberg dress somewhat ugly but only cost $4!

Eighties Movie Just As Good As You Remember
Liam Neeson now kind of hot instead of old and creepy

* * * * *
Speaking of older men, Happy Birthday to The Boyfriend! Sadly I couldn't come up with any really good ideas for what to get him, so his presents are only mediocre. I will give them to him while topless so he doesn't notice.

Real Estate Window Shopping

I am obsessed with this house.




It's too far from the city and I'm too poor right now to even think about a down payment but I might drive out and look at it this weekend anyway. Just to torture myself a little.

For comparison's sake, here is what $250,000 gets you in the city:



Shite.

* * * * *
FYI: Yesterday's thing went exceedingly well.

* * * * *
Happy Birthday to my big sis Shawna!

* * * * *
I wish someone would kick John Corbett in the balls.

Blabbermouth

I'm the worst liar in the world.

I can make excuses like nobody's business, but the second someone asks me a direct question the truth just flies out of my mouth. Yes, I ate your dessert while you were in the bathroom. No, I haven't quit smoking. Yes, I have an interview tomorrow.

I can't help it. Trust me, it's no high-minded conceit about Respecting The Truth, I just can't look someone in the eye and tell a believable lie. I can't do it. I'm good at keeping secrets, just as long as no one asks me about them. Or gets me drunk. It's like those murderers on any of the Law & Orders. The second someone slaps on the cuffs they start spilling their guts.

Which stinks, because even though your boss might ask a question maybe he doesn't always need to know the answer.

I'm all dressed up today and taking a late lunch because I have a doctor's appointment.

Honest.

* * * * *
Maybe I Should Try This

To the girl walking down Lake St. this morning with a snake - m4w - 24

Reply to: pers-173421569@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-06-20, 7:28AM CDT

I just hope that wearing a snake doesn't become the next big thing...because snakes scare me.
But I do imagine it keeps the panhandlers away when necessary, so you got that going for 'ya.

In related news, the Friendly Neighborhood Homeless Man has informed me that I be lookin' good lately. It is reassuring to know that when I lose 5 pounds, at least someone notices.

* * * * *
Like the Wind Talks to the Trees

One of the highlights of the Fun Family Weekend: finding the soundtrack to a movie my sisters and I loooooooooooved when we were growing up for $1 at the thrifter and engaging in a top-of-the-lungs singalong all the way home.

I bought it on DVD yesterday too

* * * * *
Kisses to my brother for wrestling with my brakes and saving me $200. Now, if someone knows how to do air conditioning ...

* * * * *
Damn, I AM Old

For some reason, I am now getting a free subscription to Redbook magazine. Oh goody, 10 Minute Wednesday Dinners and How To Make A White Picket Fence Headboard! Just what I was looking for.


bite me, Duchovny

Home Again

My long lost sister came home today, the first time I've seen her in person for a year. We'd cooked up an elaborate scheme to make my entire family think she was coming in tomorrow, so they would all be surprised.

It worked.













Welcome back, kiddo.

Things I Wish I Could Afford

• new car
• new brakes for old car
• these chairs
• vacation
• stock options
• haircut
• house in country
• weimaraner

Little League Wars

The Coach has dialed it up a notch. Out of pure spite, she put in all the scrubs as starters and benched her beloved all-stars at Friday's game. Any reasonable person would have split the difference - half of the "good" kids and half the "substitutes". She was more interested in proving a point. Dylan rocked third base, but they still got blown out.

Cut to Sunday's game. The kids are hanging in but then the pitcher loses his mojo. Suddenly they're down by nine.

Last inning. It's down to the final out. One runner on base. And Chunky Little Girl Who Doesn't Even Like Baseball And Never Even Swings At A Pitch gets up to bat. One of our scrubs. You know it just killed The Coach not to sub in one of her kids, but remember, she's got a point to prove. The girl takes a strike, and then two balls in a row. Maybe she'll walk, but probably she'll go down looking. And then, miracle of all miracles, THE KID HITS THE FRIGGIN BALL.

Everyone on the field froze in shock and then she turned and started chugging to first. She was going to get thrown out, clearly, and then MIRACLE NUMBER TWO, they overthrew first. The scrub was safe! Our entire side of the field went completely apeshit. Parents, kids, coaches, everyone. I've never cheered so hard for someone else's kid in my life.

They lost - again - but let me tell you something. I have not seen that girl smile once in six games. She never looks like she wants to be there and probably isn't by choice. But she came walking off that field with an ear to ear grin, got hugs and high fives from her entire team, and generally looked like it was Christmas morning.

Finally, these kids are having fun.

* * * * *
Okay, I'm done writing about Little League, I promise. Unless I get into a catfight with The Coach and there's scratching and hair-pulling. If that happens, you get pictures.

* * * * *
Three Word Movie Review: The Omen
Waste.
Of.
Time.

Shocking!

* * * * *
Busy week. The kids get out of school, my sister gets back to the country, and I have a Secret Project that may become a Major Life Change. Blogging may be a little sparse in the next few days. Will do what we can.

Smackdown

I got into a fight last night with my son's Little League coach. Not a fistfight, but I'm not ruling anything out. What a fucking asshole.

Her baseball strategy goes something like this: her precious little son and her precious little nephew and their precious little friends all play the best infield positions, and they play the whole game, every game. Meanwhile, the other half of the team gets three innings in the outfield and then switches out. To rub a little salt in that wound, they're also at the end of the batting order so they get to bat once a game.

This has happened every game so far this year. As you can imagine, the Non-Related to Coach kids are no longer having fun, and their parents are starting to get pissed. After a parental pow-wow yesterday, I was nominated to take our concerns to the coach. The conversation went like this:

TR: Hi! Hey, I was just wondering, is Dylan going to be pulled after three innings for the rest of the season?
COACH: Uh...
TR: And is he only going to get one chance to bat every game for the rest of the season?
COACH: Well...
TR: I noticed that YOUR son never comes out.
COACH: [BLANK STARE]
TR: Ever.
COACH: [BLANK STARE]
TR: Because all the these kids are here to play. Not just the kids related to you.
COACH: [BLANK STARE]
TR: And another thing. If you're rotating them out, maybe you could put them closer to the front of the batting order? They should at least get to bat more than once.
COACH: Okay, that's a strategy.
TR: Listen lady, these kids are eleven and this is supposed to be fun. They all deserve to play. Dylan has never missed a practice, including the one that your coaches decided to end an hour early without bothering to tell the parents and instead of calling me to come and get him they just LEFT HIM THERE BY HIMSELF AT A PARK IN A VERY SKETCHY NEIGHBORHOOD FOR AN HOUR but maybe you don't remember that since you and Junior never even bothered to show up and even though I called and left a message on your answering machine you never returned my call.
COACH: [BLANK STARE]
TR: You're going to have to come up with something that's a little more fair, so all the kids get to play. The other parents and I would really appreciate it.
COACH: I guess I could talk to my other coaches and see if....
TR: You do that.
COACH: ...'kay.

Then I kicked dirt in her face and punched her in the jaw, all Michael Barrett-style.

* * * * *

BREAKING NEWS!
Blogger Down, Across America People Actually Having To Work
Local woman fights back by wasting hours on Craigslist

I'm not a crazy bitch but I play one on MTV.

Note to self: side business?

I sense an ultimatum at work here.

Some things are too heinous to admit, dude.

Ew.

This would be so awesome in my apartment.

See also: $3000 binky and $2500 wooby.

Adult size?

I *know* my siblings remember these.

Somebody just figured out why she's still single.

Hey, I Wrote That!

You know what's cool? When you get on the train with a couple of your co-workers one afternoon and you're chatting and they tell you that they think you're a good writer and at that very second you happen to look up and plastered across the top of the train wall is an entire ad campaign written by you.

I confess, I tingled.

Lights! Cameras! Action!

I drank too much. I smoked too much. I met Megan for the first time. I bailed on an ill-fated game of Have You Ever at 6 AM. I yelled at two asshats in front of the liquor store. I made my boyfriend pay a $16 cab fare to buy a $1 bag of ice. I drank waaaaay too much. I posed for a triillion photos. I wore a dress that cost two bucks. When I woke up, there was a picture of my friend's bare butt as my cell phone wallpaper. I drank so freaking much. I had a fantastic time.

Upper body hugs and air kisses to everyone who came out!

How to Be the Laughingstock of Your Office

1. Go out for drinks with boss and co-workers.
2. Drink 45 bazillion beers.
3. Close down a couple of bars.
4. At 3 AM, call boss's voicemail to explain in detail why you will not be coming into the office the next day.
5. Hand the phone to the guy sitting next to you at bar so he can say hi.
6. Boss plays message for everyone you know.
7. Burn with shame.

* * * * *
Red Carpet Party is GO!

Sure, the movie is getting mediocre-to-dismal reviews, but so what! Dress up! Bring booze! Be fabulous!