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Monday, July 31, 2006

Pitchfork: The "Are We in Hell?" Edition

I lasted five hours on Saturday. Somewhere during the Ted Leo set it occured to me that I was making a physical effort not to pass out, and maybe that might mean I needed to go home. Like, now. So I hopped on a bus, cursed the CTA mightily when it it was found to have no air conditioning, and cried when I realized I didn't have house keys. The Mountain Goats were good, though. They played my favorite song and my second favorite song. Plus, I saw Devendra Banhart in the beer line. I almost said hi to him, because I thought I recognized him from a bar or something but then I realized that he was kind of famous, and anyway, he was walking away and it was my turn to purchase a frosty beverage. There were a lot of really stupid girls walking around in boots.

Sunday, we only went for Spoon (and, accidentally, Yo La Tengo, whom I despise). It was still too hot, so I sat on a bench at the back and talked to a cute hipster girl about Wayne Coyne's spaceship until the set ended. She was not wearing boots. The morning was devoted to a cooking class with Concert Josh, which was kind of cool until I realized that we were making lobster bisque by killing a bunch of live lobsters. My next cooking class will be the kind where you sit and drink wine and watch somebody else make food and all the ingredients are already dead.

Once Size Fits All
Whenever anyone you know has a baby and you need to get them a gift, you can't go wrong with Robeez. Nothing says, "What a cute baby, please don't raise my rent" like expensive soft leather shoes. I bought these horsie ones for Molly, the landlord's new baby, because she's adorable and hasn't cried once since she's been home.


"He Always Passes to Himself"
Why playing football against Jeff Samardzija on the Xbox is easy, and what he'd rather be watching than SportsCenter. Thanks Concert Josh for sending along this article on my second favorite ND player.

It's Like One Million Degrees
You know how when you're baking something and you open the oven door, that blast of white hot air washes over you? Yeah, that's pretty much downtown Chicago right now. Places currently without air conditioning include: my car, my bedroom, and this office. FANtastic.

Tequila Red called it a day @ 1:37 PM   Email This

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Friday, July 28, 2006

C-C-Commercialism


I wonder if JC Penny helped OK Go write the song featured in their new back to school ads. Hey, maybe they'll run the commercials at their next JC Penny mall concert!

It could be worse, I guess. Could be Kmart.




* * * * *

Fork This
It's the big Pitchfork music fest weekend in Chicago. Just like last year temps are slated to be in the upper 90's. "Heat stroke" is high on the list of things I could potentially do Saturday and Sunday. But the lineup makes me think it might be worth it. Spoon! The Silver Jews! Mountain Goats! That band with the dudes from Carissa's Wierd! I thought it was sold out but supposedly there will be some tickets available the day of. Not going? Click here and download the 'Fork's tasty free sampler of prime fest acts instead.

A note to antendees: the United Center isn't offering up parking this year, so the Ashland bus may be the way to fly. Also, you're allowed to bring personal cameras and sealed water bottles (last year, two per person). THIS IS A GOOD IDEA. Water is your friend. Also, don't forget sunscreen. And maybe a hat. Don't make me get maternal on your asses.

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Thursday, July 27, 2006

Higher Me Pleeze

This is a real cover letter that came to the office yesterday. I swear to you that I did not alter it, except for the names. How many mistakes can YOU find?


From: Tom S----
To: K---
Sent: Wed Jul 26 14:27:41 2006
Subject: Are looking for any talented copywriters?

Hey K---,

I’m not sure if you would remember me, but my name is Tom S--- we met last year at C--- College for a portfolio review, and you set up a meeting for me with Amy L--- who was currently working at XXXX at the time. Well anyways I just wanted to check in with you to see if were looking for any writers at this time, because I’m currently looking for a position and I thought i could check in with you. I have attached my resume just in case, and I would love to opportunity to show you some of my new work. I hope all is well, and I look forward to hopefully meeting up with you again.

Tom


The best part is, this same kid sent us a resume last year. It was so full of mistakes that it got passed around the agency and everyone marked up corrections with red pens and mocked him relentlessly. Because, there is no excuse. No one is ever going to hire a writer who is that sloppy and careless. Wow, your GPA was 3.5 out of 40? Your really creativ e? Super!

One typo, maybe. Thirty? Not so much. I may have to email Writer Tom and set him strate.

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Wednesday, July 26, 2006

The Disbeliever

SFX: Telephone ring
GIRL: Hello, Enterprise!
TEQUILA RED: Hello. Last week my office rented a car from you guys, and there was a bunch of stuff in the trunk. It accidentally got unloaded with all our stuff, so I was wondering if anyone's reported it missing.
GIRL: What was it?
TR: Two sombreros and a set of water buffalo horns.
GIRL: ...
TR: No, really.
GIRL: ...
TR: No, seriously. Two sombreros and a set of water buffalo horns. Has anyone reported them missing?
GIRL: I don't think so, no.
TR: Well if someone calls looking for them, will you let me know?
GIRL: Um, sure. Thanksforcallingbye.
TR: But I didn't give you my numb--
*click*

Well, I tried.

Second City or Sissy City?
Things Chicago alderman have banned recently or are considering banning:

Pit bulls
Smoking
Noise
Foie gras
Cell phones
Wal-Mart
Trans fat

Still in effect:

Nepotism
Scandal
Greed

I love it when politicians are thoughtful enough to protect me from myself.

Does He Respond to "Foghorn"?
FOUND: tame Rooster

Reply to: comm-186305553@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-07-25, 9:10PM CDT

Tame rooster has been hanging around our house. If it's yours please contact us.


She Cleans Up Real Nice
My friendly local homeless man appreciates it when I wear high heels. "Dang, girl," he said yesterday. "You growing up to be quite the little lady!"

Yes, I'm 31.

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Tuesday, July 25, 2006

My Life as a Supermodel

Dear Diary,

Another endless day of people telling me I'm pretty. Sometimes I wish people would see beyond that to the intelligent, pretty person I am inside. But then I'll accidentally eat a regular yogurt instead of a non-fat yogurt and you'll have to tell me I'm beautiful like a hundred times before I can breathe again, so go figure.

Anyway, here's a picture of me at the hairshow last night.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

The slip is too big, and my hair looks kind of poodlely, but I still worked it. Josh said you could see my black undies right through that dress. I totally planned that.

Well, wish I could write more but I have to go weigh myself now.

Cheers!

TR

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Monday, July 24, 2006

Kelly Clarkson Loves Ford.

On Saturday, I took Olivia to her first concert. We got there early and snagged a seat on the lawn just in time for the sky to open up and soak us to the skin. Not the best start. The opening band sucked cheese wheels. Also not great. But then Kelly came out and Livvy's little face lit up and we started shaking our asses to hits like "Miss Independent" and "Walk Away" and it was all good. Until it happened. Until, right in the middle of her set, Miss Kelly Clarkson sold us all down the river.

"So, y'all know I'm on this tour with Ford," she drawled into the mic. "They are just so great. Giving away cars and stuff! It's awesome! So, we wrote this next song together. Y'all might have seen it on the TV, but in case you haven't the video will be up on the screen behind me. Sing along if you know it!"

And for the next four minutes 10,000 people were watching a car commercial.

It was gross.

My adorable, skeptical daughter was unimpressed. She flopped down on the soggy blanket. "This is dumb," she said.

We sat and waited out the song. No one was shaking their asses. On the big screens, the camera panned across a bored front row. Everyone looked slightly embarrassed.

Oh, Kelly. We love you but this just will not do. Everybody got to get paid, but honey, you have to SET LIMITS. Practice saying no. NO, I will not wear that netted hoochie shirt. NO I won't play a Ford commercial to an entire paying audience of people who like me. Also, NO I am not Avril Lavigne.

Then she finished the show with a deluxe 10 minute version of "Since U Been Gone" and we were all friends again. That song is fantastic.


You might want to re-think your promotion when it makes even people who work in advertising projectile vomit

*

Truth In Advertising
Here's how it's done: Meet Brian.

Two Mediocre Movies = One Okay Sunday
Monster House was okay. My Super Ex-Girlfriend was alright. I probably wouldn't recommend either one to a friend. It's your $8 though.

Job News
Almost a done deal.

I Made a Quiche Last Night And Boy Was It Tasty

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Friday, July 21, 2006

A Hard Question

After graduating from college this spring, my adorable little sister is looking into a possible career in pharmaceutical sales. Last week, she caught wind of a recruiting event and decided to go. Looking around the room, she noticed that she was by far the youngest person there, and one of only a few women. She sat down with the recruiter and immediately found out why.

"So," he said with a smile, "Why do YOU want to sell Cialis?"

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Thursday, July 20, 2006

The Legend Lives On

"Welcome to voicemail. First message, sent Thursday at 8:33 AM."

"Hey, Kari, it's the Bossman. I just wanted you to know that your so-called friend Peggy tried to sell you out last night by leaving me a drunk voice message at 2:30AM and pretending to be you. Don't worry, I wasn't fooled. It was no where as good as your drunk messages. See ya!"

"End of messages."

* * * * *


So, I'm in this hairshow Monday. Yesterday was the big cut. The Cutest Straight Boy Hairstylist EVER cut my hair, and I told him he could do whatever he wanted with it. So he ... gave me the exact same haircut I already had.

It was free though.

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Wednesday, July 19, 2006

¡Ole!

When you rent a car to drive out to a meeting in the suburbs and you open the trunk of the rental car and find a giant pair of bullhorns, it's perfectly okay to put them in the office lounge, because hey, finders keepers.


bullhorns courtesy of Stickyfingers Peg

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Connect Four is for Suckers

Another one from the "Yep, those are my kids" file:

Last night when I went to pick them up from daycare they were leading a game of Texas Hold 'Em, using the red and black tokens from Connect Four as poker chips.

Tequila Red called it a day @ 11:37 AM   Email This

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Monday, July 17, 2006

Crossroads (Not The Britney Kind)

Hypothetical situation:

Say you weren't actually looking for a new job but someone saw some of your work and called you up and you knew they paid really well and after not getting a raise this year you decided to go see what they had to say and three interviews later you had yourself a job offer.

And let's say this Big Fancy Agency wanted to pay you lots of money to work on a really great client, and your first assignment was a fantasticly fun opportunity (MAKEUP!) but also a little scary because you would have to kick some serious ass, and no more coming in whenever you get here and leaving at 5 on the dot, because BFA don't play like that. It's hard work and late nights and proving yourself every day, all the shit that comes with being the New Girl.

Then say someone at your office whispered something to your boss and so he started doing everything in his power to keep you, including gapping that salary difference. And it's tempting, because you're so comfortable here, it's so cozy, and these people are your friends and your boss is a dream and you can actually leave at 5 most days and have a life outside of the office, and you rock your job on a daily basis without even trying all that hard, and it's hard to imagine not coming here every day.

And just for the sake of argument, let's say you have a secret plan that involves making more money for the next three years, getting out of debt, saving up for a house and then moving out of the city. Say you don't really care about making a Smart Career Move or Climbing the Ad Ladder. 36 months and then it's get the hell outta Dodge.

So ... what would you do? Assuming the money is the same, would you stay with the job you have, or make the big leap into the unknown?

Just wondering.


what would Katie do?

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Thursday, July 13, 2006

Nordsfug



Does anyone else feel the sudden urge to burn down Nordstrom?

The model even looks embarassed.

Tequila Red called it a day @ 10:41 AM   Email This

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La La La I Can't Hear You

It was a beautiful morning in a quiet residential neighborhood. The only thing that seemed slightly out of place was the older gentleman stomping down the sidewalk with fingers plugged firmly in both ears.

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Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Are they 50?

Does anyone else think it's a little odd that my kids' all-time favorite thing to watch on TV is Antiques Roadshow?

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Rough Night?

This weekend, my friend Suz got up early to walk her dogs and came back with THE BEST PHOTO EVER. We've been sitting here half the day coming up with hilarious captions - as you know, one of my favorite games. Here are some of the frontrunners.







Feel free to add your own. It's better than working.

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Monday, July 10, 2006

Post-Marital Counseling

Everyone thinks I have a disgustingly healthy relationship with my ex-husband when the truth of the matter is, I still feel too guilty about the divorce to confront him when he's acting assy. Mostly I smile through gritted teeth and then go home and seethe. Except yesterday, when he pushed it too far and we had one of those good old knockdown dragout fights like we used to. It ended with me yelling, "Maybe then you'd get a girlfriend we'd ALL be a lot happier!" and slamming down the phone.

Someone PLEASE date my ex-husband. Please?

*

A word of advice: do not under any circumstances pay money to see Nacho Libre. Also, do not pay with credit, seashells, heads of cattle, or necklaces made of reindeer antlers. It is one god-awful movie.


Jack Black owes me $15. Or, 2 goats and a bag of lemons.

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Thursday, July 06, 2006

How to Watch Fireworks in Chicago

A: trudge downtown at some insane hour of the morning, stake out a three foot square of soggy grass and hyper-vigilantly guard it all day against encroaching blankets or jackasses who WALK OVER YOUR STUFF INSTEAD OF GOING AROUND, get divebombed by mosquitoes and gnats, brave public toilets all day and then realize in the moments before the fireworks start that your children would much rather be at home right now and if you leave in the next 10 seconds you MIGHT be able to escape the mad crush towards public transportation that last year gave you a massive panic attack because ALL THESE PEOPLE ARE TOUCHING ME WHY IS EVERYONE PUSHING OH GOD I CAN'T BREATHE.

B: light some sparklers on the sidewalk in front of your house, then grab a blanket and wander over to the neighborhood park, where you can chill on a bench and watch amateur fireworks that are RIGHT HERE and kick nine kinds of ass and no one is even stepping on your crap or trying to push you in front of a moving train or anything.

Pick B.

* * * * *

The Long Trip Home
While Wendi was on a plane bound for Tokyo yesterday, I

• took the kids on a picnic in Lincoln Park
• visited the zoo
• rented a paddle boat
• went home
• took a nap
• read a magazine
• watched Dylan's ballgame
• went home
• ate
• cleaned house
• sewed
• watched CSI
• smoked a cig
• slept until the 3AM text message announcing her arrival on Japanese soil

Little League Update
Finally a win! Of course, they were playing against a team with only 7 kids. And they almost lost anyway. But still. Progress!

Bizzy
So far today I've offered a co-worker $20 to name her new dog after another of our collegues, written a fake engagement announcement for two co-workers who are not dating, and bought tickets to a Kelly Clarkson concert. Six days off can put a real cramp in the ole work ethic.

Fashion Forward
I am excited about the expected return of ankle boots this fall. I always liked those things.

Obligatory Baby Photos


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