Tutorial: How to Get Rid of Your Cat on Craigslist

... In Three Easy Steps!

Step 1. Post an ad. Remember, honesty is the best policy!

Date: 2006-08-30 19:25:37
PostID: 201141239
Title: (pets) My cat hates me, and I hate him back.

I have to get rid of my cat. Like, right now. He hates me, I hate him, and we've been doing this dance for 8 long years. I've always been one of those "pets are forever" people, but I can't do this anymore. I don't want to come home at night because I know he's there. Destroying my things. Waiting.

He likes to scratch. Not the million different scratchers I bought him. Just furniture and rugs. When I got new furniture and rugs this year, I bought those Soft Paws to put on him. I replace them when they come off but SOMEHOW HE IS STILL SCRATCHING THE HELL OUT OF MY NEW FURNITURE. Back claws? Maybe, I'm not quick enough to catch him. Possibility B: he is the devil.

He also pees. Only on my stuff, not my children's. Not regularly enough for it to be a medical problem. Just when he's mad (pissed?). He pees only on things that are really important or really hard to clean. I hate him like fire.

Don't tell me to take him to the vet. I'm not going to spend $200 for the vet to tell me he hates me. The cat is also fat as hell, and frankly I'm not up for the lecture. I tried diet cat food once and he pooped on my pillow. He weighs 22 pounds.

You're probably wondering why we ever got this cat. Well I'll tell you. I used to be a cat person. I had cats my whole life, sweet loving cats who never stared at me like If I were bigger, I would eat you. I adored cats, and 8 years ago a friend was trying to find homes for some cute kittens. I am not a cat person anymore.

Now for my question. How the holy hell do I get rid of this thing? Nobody on Craigslist would ever want him. He needs a good grooming in the butt area before anyone would even consider it. He probably needs shots, it's been a while. He's neutered though; that's got to count for something. I've called the no-kills, and they are all full. Before I load him in a crate and take him to the Anti-Cruelty, are there any other options? I hate him, but I don't want him dead.

Not yet, anyway.


Satan's Little Minion, aka Dewey

Step 2. Screen the emails. You will get emails from people who think you are a horrible person and people who feel strongly that you should keep your pet. Sometimes they are the same people. Feel free to email them back and ask when you can drop your pet off, if they are such great goddamn animal lovers.

Other people will write to ask if you are serious. Email them naked pictures of your ex-boyfriend.

Step 3. The follow up post is crucial. Reiterate your pet's finer qualities and post another picture. This helps people envision your pet in their own homes.

A HELPFUL HINT ABOUT PHOTOS
A picture is worth a thousand words! Have a photo session with your pet, and capture him his happiest and most playful.







If you follow these guidelines for posting an ad on Craigslist, in no time at all your pet will have a loving new home. Or at least an online fan club.

NEXT WEEK: Finding your soulmate via Craigslist Casual Encounters

The Applicant

Yesterday I interviewed a guy for an open copywriter position at The Jeeb. When I was walking him out, he asked if I had a business card. "Sure," I said, and ran back to my office to grab one off the holder on my desk.

As I was handing the card to him, I glanced at it for the first time. It wasn't my card. It was my doctor's card. In fact, it was my gynecologist's card.

"Whoopsie!" I said, snatching it back. "That's not for you. Unless YOU want to check MY references, ha ha!"

Obviously I can't hire him now.

The Buzz

One day last week Dylan wasn't feeling well, so he stayed home by himself. This was his first time being home alone all day, so I left him with a supply of video games, books and movies to keep him busy. They day went along fine, his dad picked him up after work, and I stayed at the office late.

Josh got home that night before I did. When he took his overnight bag into the bedroom, he heard a noise. A quiet buzzing noise. He looked around. It wasn't the fan. Or the alarm clock. In fact, it seemed to be coming from my bedside drawer. A low, buzzing sound. Coming from my bedside drawer.

Oh yes. The boy found It. Turned It on. He's eleven, I'm sure he knew what It was. I could have died of embarassment.

But, you know, I remember being eleven too. Your parents leave you alone in the house, you go through their stuff. (Sorry, Mom.) That's just what kids do. (Sorry, Dad.) So I decided not to say anything. Instead I hid the object in question in a secure location and left a note in its place. The note read:

"Should you be looking in here? I DON'T THINK SO MR NOSYPANTS."

On the bright side, he doesn't seem to have discovered my stash of hardcore lesbian porn.

* * * * *

Meet Abby, our newest pet. Olivia brought her home after a trip to the flea market with one of her friends. Surprise! So far, this tiny $6 critter has cost Josh and I about $150. She's pretty fricking cute though. She stays.



On the way out:


* * * * *
Q. What do you do when one of your co-workers brings in a portfolio of modeling she did as a kid in the 80's?

A. Steal it and post copies in the employee lounge.



* * * *
Weekend Accomplishments:

Let boyfriend make breakfast, twice
Let boyfriend clean kitchen, twice
Let boyfriend paint living room
Let boyfriend treat me to sushi
Let boyfriend buy fancy accessories for new turtle
Let boyfriend buy Van Halen belt buckle for self
Went to Bears game without boyfriend
Took boyfriend to fabric store instead

Gosh, I was busy.


The boyfriend: hot, handy, not particular about his women

* * * * *
The new Grand Theft Coke commercial is sugary brilliance.

Delete Me

I keep writing these long posts and then Blogger keeps eating them.

It's like it's saying, "Nope, still too boring. Try again, jackass. MUAHAHAHA."

Blogger is a harsh mistress.

TR OUT

Doing kinky shit like back to school shopping and watching the Air & Water show. Back Monday.

It's Official

Today I turned down the offer from the Big Fancy Agency and committed myself to staying at The Jeeb. It wasn't really a hard decision when I put it against the 36 Month Plan, and my desire to see my kids for more than 30 seconds a week. Plus, I bet nobody at the BFA ever Wang Chunged a co-worker around the office in a Target shopping cart.

I've never been one of those people who lives and breathes her career. So long as I make enough to live on and I don't hate what I do, that's enough. And when five o'clock rolls around and I can put down what I'm doing and go home to my real life, that's more than enough. I know I'm lucky. I get paid to write, for godsake. My boss and I are soulmates. I adore my co-workers. The hours are fantastic, and sometimes I make long distance phone calls.

Yep. I'm staying.

* * * * *
The Countdown
Only 17 days 'til the Notre Dame season opener!

God, I am such a boy.

Say It

My new favorite word is cockknocker. Add it to your vocabulary. You won't be sorry.

3 Nights, 3 Parties

THURSDAY: Peggy's Going Away Party
DRINKS CONSUMED: Though I alternated between water and G&T's, I still got tanked. My best estimate would be, one bottle of Tanqueray.
SMOKES SMOKED: One trillion.
PHOTOS: Definitely.




HIGHLIGHTS: Finding a picture of someone's nipple as my new phone wallpaper; being recognized by readers of the blog (hi Mike!); numerous rousing singalongs.
LOWLIGHT: The insane bar tab.

FRIDAY: Crystal's Spicy Salsa Birthday Party
DRINKS CONSUMED: 2 Miller Lites
SMOKES SMOKED: 0
PHOTOS: Somewhere.
HIGHLIGHT: Being an hour late may still mean you are the first person there, including the birthday girl.
LOWLIGHT: That constant I-might-throw-up feeling from drinking an entire bottle of Tanqueray the night before.

SATURDAY: Leah's Hot-N-Sexy Birthday Party
DRINKS CONSUMED: Sprite.
SMOKES SMOKED: A few.
PHOTOS: Maybe?
HIGHLIGHT: Getting Concert Josh good and drunk.
LOWLIGHT: Being stone sober.


TR & Hot-N-Sexy Leah, on a separate booze-soaked occasion

* * * * * *

Other weekend items of interest include: a discussion about The Future, my baby sister gets a job that doesn't involve erectile disfunction or diarrhea (congrats Aerdna!), and several quality naps.

COMING SOON: A big job announcement!

The End of an Era

My BFF at work is leaving; today is her last day. To send her off on the right note, we had a Peggy Parade. I pushed her all around the office in a Target cart with those water buffalo horns attached to the top and a boombox underneath blaring "Everybody Have Fun Tonight" by Wang Chung. She wore an army helmet decorated with client logos and threw out packages of cookies and crackers to the adoring office masses.

Now that's how you leave a job.




Confidential to Peggy: sniff, sob, bawl.

A Friend Like Ben

Last night when Josh called, I took the phone out onto the front stoop to savor the cool evening air. The moon hung fat and full over the quiet block, and wind rippled through the treetops. A breeze sent a dry leaf scuttling across the lawn at my feet and into the neighbor's hedge. Then the leaf poked its furry head out of the bushes two feet away from my bare toes and regarded me with beady, twitching eyes.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" I shrieked, jumping three feet into the air. "OHMYGOD, RAT! RAT! EEEE! RAT!" I scrambled for the safety of my apartment, slamming doors and throwing deadbolts behind me.

Just another peaceful summer evening in the city.

Here It Goes Again

Since I slagged them for those bland JC Penny ads, it's only fair to show OK Go being their adorable syncronized selves. Enjoy the bizarre but mesmerizing OK Go treadmill video courtesy of You Tube.

It Was a Dark and Stormy [Noun]

No time to blog this morning because I'm busy writing a Halloween madlib.

This is less [adjective] than it sounds.

Ding Dongs

It's not often that spam entertains me, but I'm tickled by the idea that someone decided to name these Cialis pills "Soft Tabs." Good luck selling these puppies, Aerdna!

From: Jerome Dye
Date: Wednesday, August 2, 2006 9:53 AM
To: Kari
Subject: Open something new for your self

Cialis Soft Tabs is the new impotence treatment drug that everyone is talking about. It has benefits over Viagra and other ED treatment solutions. Here goes some reasons to choose Cialis Soft Tabs:
1. You can mix alcohol drinks with Cialis Soft Tabs without any undesired effects.
2.Cialis Soft Tabs does not make you feel dizzy or make vision blurred, so you can easily drive a car or operate heavy machinery.
3.Cialis soft tabs works much faster than any known ED treatment solution. Cialis Soft Tabs enters the bloodstream directly instead of going through the stomach, thus you need only 15 minutes till you feel the effect.
AND ALSO
Cialis Soft Tabs formula is effective for 95% of the patients. If this treatment is not effective for you, we will refund you for every unopened pack. All you have to do is send them back, and we will immediatley refund your account!

Soft Tabs. I mean, that's just cruel.

Bottoms Up

Windy in the city yesterday afternoon. As I stood waiting for the crosswalk signal, a sudden blast whipped my hair and skirt in every direction. "Sure is windy," said the guy standing next to me. He politely refrained from mentioning that he and everyone else on Irving Park Road had just gotten a good long look at my underpants.

6 at Random

• For the first time in my life, it might be a problem that I didn’t go to college. Spellcheck just informed me that I misspelled “college”. Okay, that’s two times.

• I’m not sure why but it’s become really important to me lately that my children see and fully appreciate the video for Thriller.

• At Pitchfork we ran into a girl my boyfriend used to have a crush on. She hasn’t seen him since he cut his hair short. I think she liked it a little too much, the filthy whore.

• For much of the day yesterday there was a cookie balanced on top of a parking meter outside my office. It takes more than that to bribe a Chicago meter maid, trust me.

• Every now and then I’ll be on the el and I’ll be sitting in the seat right next to the door divider and someone will be standing on the other side and they’ll be holding on to that opening right next to my face and I’ll have the overwhelming urge to lick their fingers.

• My end of the hallway at work is cursed.

That is all.

Questionable Tactics

Girl in a tree - 37

Reply to: pers-188228389@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-07-30, 9:23PM CDT

To the girl who threw a half-eaten apple at me from up in a tree yesterday afternoon. I was wearing a red shirt and riding my blue bike along the path through Lincoln Park when you hurled a golden delicious at my head. When I stopped, you yelled out a few things calling my sexuality into question. I was stunned, and didn't know how to respond. Now, I wish that I had climbed up in that tree with you. You're quite the little spitfire, and I think we could have a lot of fun together. I don't know if you throw fruit at every guy who rides his bike past you, but I'd like to think that we had something special. I hope this isn't the last we see of each other.


MC with woman flashing boobs in Virgin Megastore - m4w - 22

Reply to: pers-188837472@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-08-01, 11:05AM CDT

You: old, fake tits, colagen lips, dressed like a hooker, buying "sex music."
me: young, dumb, full of cum
I was ringing you up and you started playing with your shirt complaining about the "support" it gave you and proceeded to pull your boobs out and show them to me in the middle of a crowded store. thanks.


Looking for Matt Murton #19 on the Cubs

Reply to: pers-188530689@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-07-31, 3:23PM CDT

Has anyone seen Matt Murton out and about?