Eat THIS
You've seen the latest batch of Subway commercials, right? The ones where Jared is having a riveting "More meat, less fat" argument with various celebrities? They're horrible and stupid and far too cutesy. You know who I'd like to see in one of those commercials? Ann Coulter.
JARED: Less fat!
ANN COULTER: More meat, you insipid cretin.
JARED: Less fat.
ANN COULTER: [homosexual slur]
Courtney Love would also be good, don't you think?
JARED: More meat!
COURTNEY: Morphine?
JARED: No. You're supposed to say "Less fat."
COURTNEY: [tries to lick own belly button]
JARED: Let's try it again. More meat!
COURTNEY: Yesterday I ate a slice of cheese, two french fries, and an 8-ball.
JARED: More meat?
COURTNEY: Pigeon hockey Saturn socks.
JARED: [Sigh.]
Henry Rollins? Shannon Doherty? Bill O'Reilly?
JARED: Less fat!
BILL: So, Jared, have you always been a four-eyed pansy ass?
JARED: Um.
BILL: You parents must be siblings. Are you from Virginia?
JARED: Eat shit and die, please.
Note to Subway's ad agency: I am available for freelance.
Just for fun, here's another look at me wearing Jared's fat pants.
* * * * * *
Book It
Last night (this morning?) I woke up at three o'clock and couldn't get back to sleep. It occurred to me that buying balloons for my mom's party was a terrible idea, I have to call the florist and cancel that right away, pink and peach, what the hell was I thinking. Then, I had the best idea I've ever had. I flipped on the light, grabbed the notepad and pen I keep next to the bed, and wrote the first chapter of my first book. What book? The book I've been thinking about writing for the last 13 years. Only, with a totally different and way better story. It's so good I can't believe no one's writtten it yet. Oprah will love this shit.
Horny Talk
[Editor's Note:The item in question was the deerhead below. Apparently someone (Steve#2) bought it.]
COWORKER: Please get this for the office.
TR: Can we name him Mr. Pickles?
COWORKER: No. His name is Buck. Buck Nasty.
TR: Ew. Then no.
COWORKER: How about Bambi Ramenheiser then.
TR: Why do I have the feeling you have a million of these?
COWORKER: Because I do.
TR: Ah.
Meet Stag Dickinson
JARED: Less fat!
ANN COULTER: More meat, you insipid cretin.
JARED: Less fat.
ANN COULTER: [homosexual slur]
Courtney Love would also be good, don't you think?
JARED: More meat!
COURTNEY: Morphine?
JARED: No. You're supposed to say "Less fat."
COURTNEY: [tries to lick own belly button]
JARED: Let's try it again. More meat!
COURTNEY: Yesterday I ate a slice of cheese, two french fries, and an 8-ball.
JARED: More meat?
COURTNEY: Pigeon hockey Saturn socks.
JARED: [Sigh.]
Henry Rollins? Shannon Doherty? Bill O'Reilly?
JARED: Less fat!
BILL: So, Jared, have you always been a four-eyed pansy ass?
JARED: Um.
BILL: You parents must be siblings. Are you from Virginia?
JARED: Eat shit and die, please.
Note to Subway's ad agency: I am available for freelance.
Just for fun, here's another look at me wearing Jared's fat pants.
Book It
Last night (this morning?) I woke up at three o'clock and couldn't get back to sleep. It occurred to me that buying balloons for my mom's party was a terrible idea, I have to call the florist and cancel that right away, pink and peach, what the hell was I thinking. Then, I had the best idea I've ever had. I flipped on the light, grabbed the notepad and pen I keep next to the bed, and wrote the first chapter of my first book. What book? The book I've been thinking about writing for the last 13 years. Only, with a totally different and way better story. It's so good I can't believe no one's writtten it yet. Oprah will love this shit.
Horny Talk
[Editor's Note:The item in question was the deerhead below. Apparently someone (Steve#2) bought it.]
COWORKER: Please get this for the office.
TR: Can we name him Mr. Pickles?
COWORKER: No. His name is Buck. Buck Nasty.
TR: Ew. Then no.
COWORKER: How about Bambi Ramenheiser then.
TR: Why do I have the feeling you have a million of these?
COWORKER: Because I do.
TR: Ah.
Meet Stag Dickinson
Tequila Red called it a day @ 9:32 AM
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