Arch-Enemies

You might think that once high school is over and you enter the world of adulthood you will no longer have enemies, those special people who would happily shove you under a bus if the opportunity should arise. Wrong! Like pimples, enemies don't magically disappear after you turn 18. Even non-superheros might find themselves with a nemesis or two. (Nemesi?) Here's the line up of people who would line up for the chance to kick my ass. (Were such a thing even possible.) ((Which it is not.))

ENEMY #1: The Green Slattern
Modus Operandi:
Dates your friends. Alter-ego pretends to be cool intellectual chick interested in befriending you, but once your back is turned transforms into a snarling, foaming ball of pure jealousy. Is convinced that you are trying to steal her boyfriend, even though you have a boyfriend of your own. Soon refuses to be in same room as you. Eventually issues ultimatum: you or her. Has the sex advantage; usually wins.
Disguise:
Two faces, invisible leash
Superpower:
Can read subtext into anything. Example: You invite her boyfriend to your birthday party. Obviously you want to bang him senseless.

ENEMY #2: Poison Tart
Modus Operandi:
The former friend who hates your guts for reasons that remain unclear. Is personally offended by your existence yet continues to read your blog. Occasionally leaves mean comments about your parenting, just for fun.
Superpowers:
Selective memory
Shit don't stank
Hideout:
Glass houses
Kryptonite:
Karma

ENEMY #3: Baby Ruthless
Modus Operandi:
Lives in apartment directly above you. Bangs toys on floor at 6AM on Sundays, from 6PM - 10PM on weeknights, and any moment your head touches a pillow. Has yet to learn words, so speaks Scream. Volume control set permanently at 10.
Disguise:
Onesie, diaper, drool
Superpowers:
Lung capacity of a blue whale
Does not appear to sleep
AKA: World's Most Effective Birth Control

If I'm leaving any enemies off the list - and I'm sure I am - feel free to let me know. Just please don't kidnap my elderly aunt and hold her hostage in a warehouse full of explosives and venomous snakes. Thank you.

Girl Fight

Every time it comes on my iPod, the Lily Allen song "Friday Night" takes me back to the catty bar brawls of my youth. And by my youth I mean a few years ago.

One night, Melmar and Wendi and I were out dancing at a cheesy Lincoln Park bar. (Mistake numero uno.) I was wearing cute shoes that killed my feet, and decided to take five on a massive speaker and give the tootsies a break. Suddenly three Trixies materialized out of nowhere. "This is our speaker," they said, all gangster-like. Or, as gangster-like as Trixies can be. I looked around. In the corner were two small gift bags and a cardigan. "We're having a bachelorette party," they declared.

"I just need to sit down for a minute," I said, pointing to the four inch heels of burning fire. I turned away and began counting my money into a pile next to me to see if I'd have enough for the next round of G&Ts. Until Trixie ass plopped right smack down onto my cash and left leg.

"Um, you're on my money. And also, me." I gave the girl a hearty shove in the direction of the floor. She in turn poured her entire drink into my lap.

I think we were both surprised that she did it. For a second, neither of us moved. And then I flung my drink right straight into her face. We leapt up and I thought I would have to kill a bitch. Her friends pulled her away, and Melmar beelined over from the bar to get between us.

"Okay!!" she shouted, holding up her hand for silence. "We're all grown ups, let's talk about this!"

Lapdancing Trixie started shrieking "This is OUR SPEAKER--" and that's when Melmar did the most awesome thing ever and threw HER drink in the beeyatch's face. Then we grabbed our purses and my sister (who was obliviously chatting up some dude in the corner) and beat it the hell out of there.

Another time, outside an equally cheesy bar, Wendi and I got into it with six beeftacular bouncers over their treatment of some street musicians. It ended when I hawked a giant loogey right into the biggest one's face, and then darted across the road to stand close to a handy police officer. Then there was the time that Melmar tried to choke me to death with the belt of my own coat on the sidewalk in front of our regular Wednesday night establishment. And the time I made a girl cry by telling her to get her fat ass off my sister's barstool, and when her friends came over to demand an apology I said, "I'm sorry ... that your ass is so fat" and she ran to the bathroom and cried some more. But later I felt bad and bought her a Lemondrop and we were all friends after that.

Yep, those were the days.

Thank god I have better taste in bars now.

You're My Obsession

Things I am currently infatuated with:

•  The Smallest Coolest contest on Apartment Therapy
• Avril Lavigne's new song, in all 8 languages
• Pralines & Creme Coffee Mate
• Flying Hamsters and Tile Puzzles
• Money, see also: how to get it

Less than loving:

• work
• blog
• checking account balance
• Mark Prior

* * * * *

Dilemma: Saturday Night
A. Girlfriend's birthday party?
or
B. Boyfriend's dad's birthday party?

Pls advise.

Win With Quinn
I may have to become a Lions fan.

Car Trouble

QUESTION! What's the funnest thing to do on a Monday night? If you said "Stay home and watch Dancing With the Stars" you're wrong, although I do want Laila Ali to be my new best friend. Nope, the funnest thing to do on a Monday night is come out of the Jewel to find that your car is deader than the nerves in Joan Allen's forehead, try for three hours to get the hood open so you can see what's up with the damn battery, then give up and pay a tow truck driver $60 (borrowed) to haul your stupid dead car six blocks to your house. Wooo hooo! I told you! The funnest!

Ladies, listen to me. If your car is going to break down any place pray that it is a Jewel. Several men of the mechanical persuasion stopped and tried valiantly to help me, and if my car were less of a stubborn pig I'm sure they would have had it up and running in no time. And I didn't even look cute! And my boyfriend was standing right there! You think any of the nancy-boys who shop at Trader Joe's drive around with tool kits in their cars? Doubtful.

To Do Today
Sign up for AAA
Sweet talk mechanic next door
Send love note to wonderful BF for all his help
Watch 9 episodes of Planet Earth on DVR
Sell belongings on CL for cash
Go back to bed

Running Repair Total: $346
Or roughly four pairs of cute shoes.

Priorities

Thanks to the Tax Man, I had a grand total of $100 to get the kids and me through the weekend. Today I have exactly $1 left.

Where did the money go, you ask? Most - 65% to be exact - we spent at Claire's Boutique so Olivia could get her ears pierced, and also, headbands and earrings were buy two get one free.

Sunday dinner was cobbled together from frozen chicken patties, carrot sticks and hashbrowns, but Liv sure does look pretty.

* * * * * *
In semi-related news, I want to buy this $120 birch tree wall stencil but my kids want to eat. Anyone want to split it with me?

* * * * * *
I could buy meth with my kids' lunch money and still be a better parent than Alec Baldwin. WHAT A DICK.

Breakfast Bulletin

Steel cut oatmeal is sooooo not worth the effort.

I Want My MONEY!!

Sweet baby jesus, this is the SECOND thing I've liked Will Farrell in. The apocalypse is nigh.

Watch "The Landlord."

Sign Language

The next time you say the word "Wow" turn three fingers from each hand into Ws and hold them up next to your face. Open your mouth real wide and it becomes the O.

W-O-W

This is sure to impress all your friends. Try it!

* * * * *
The above tip comes to us courtesy of Chef Andrew Zimmer, that bald guy on the Discovery Channel who travels the world eating crazy, repulsive stuff. Seriously, "Bizarre Foods," add it to your TiVO. Last week he went to Asia and ate a frog's beating heart, a bat, and rooster balls. Then he nearly threw up a fruit. WOW!

3 More Shows You Probably Don't Watch But Should
• I Shouldn't Be Alive
Watch people live through things you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy, even if your worst enemy is a cat who pees on the floor.
• Any of the Animal Cops shows
The Detroit ones are my favorite. I have a huge crush on Mike Dowe, aka Humane Snoop.
• Paula's Party
Paula Dean lays on the double entendres thicker than buttercream frosting. At least once an episode she sits on some guy's lap and feeds him something made with lard. Plus, there is a disco ball!


DVR, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me.

* * * * *
Zzzzzz
Dear Barak Obama,

I really wish your book wasn't such a snooze. Or it were less heavy. I'm tired of lugging it around in my bag and then choosing to read the Red Eye instead. I probably won't finish it, but I'll send you a check for $20 so you don't feel bad.

Yaddayadda,
TR

Oh Boy
My brother and his preggo wife found out the other day that they are having a boy. Can you please help me convince them that Wade Jermaine is a wonderful name for a little child?

Today's Timesaver
If you have a hotmail account, you can just type your email address into the bar at the top of the page and it takes you right to your inbox. I only know for sure that this works with Firefox, as I believe that Explorer is Satan's sandbox.
We All Scream for Kari
Yesterday was Kari Day in the office. For reals. Ask anyone.

Our house

is a very very very fine house.

In Case of Emergency

Don't rely on the first aid kit at work, I guess.



A warm icepack, one dirty glove, and a pair of manicure scissors. Unless your emergency is a hangnail, good luck.

Peepshow

There's nothing like giving a big presentation to the whole office and then being told later that your fly was open.

My entire life is like an episode of I Love Lucy.

Craigslist Top Three

1. Most Zoolander

i am so good looking right now you are all having MCs with me - m4w - 28
Reply to: pers-313182516@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-16, 6:43PM CDT

everybody is checking me out today! it is awesome. i have to write down what i am wearing and stick with the gym. it is strange and unfamiliar but simultaneously awesome to notice that you are walking towards a girl who is smiling at you, and it's been happening all day.

i have the magic! perhaps only for a day, alas.

i am not usually this vain or gay sounding

2. Most Likely To Be Accidentally Impaled

Unicorn rug....I am in search of one.
Reply to: sale-312188023@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-15, 2:26AM CDT

I am looking for a rug, like those bear skin rugs with the heads on them, but I want one with a unicorn head. Would also like listen if you have a white horse rug, but I wouldn't pay as much.

In dire need.

3. Best Legs

Bar room table / Rec. Room table - $300
Reply to: sale-313283432@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-16, 9:48PM CDT

The custom made bar oom table is perfect of any party room. It stands 42.5" tall with a 30" round laminate top.The base is 18" x 24" . The pants and shoes are used to give it the rugged carpenter look, and the tool belt is new. The belt can be used to put tools in or bar utensils such as, matches, bottle openers, straws, etc. Any questions please email me. Thank you

Free Cat, Part II

Another day, another shredded sofa, another Craigslist ad. My new strategy: post one every day until he's GONE.

Procrastination

I'm pretty sure the definition of procrastination is doing your taxes the day before they are due. The definition of panic, then, is getting the taxes you did the day before they were due BACK from the IRS because they have been REJECTED. In my next life I will marry an accountant and never worry about such things.


Boooooooo! Tax Man!

Presentation Recap

NAILED IT.

You Are A Pirate

When you're working late, a fun thing to do is go around to everyone's computer and reset their browser homepages to this.

Be sure to turn the volume up!

This tip has been made possible by The Project That Never Ends. Sixteen hour workdays are where fun is born!

Under Pressure

So here's what's going on. Our biggest account is up for review, and somehow I ended up in charge of all the creative. It's not the kind of thing you would normally hand over to someone at my level; a project of this importance and magnitude is a job for the Head Creative Cheese, and all his loyal Creative Director Minions. I am a full level below them, and would usually be assigned such important tasks as Holding Up That Chart and Ordering Takeout For Dinner. But since we are currently sans a Head Creative Cheese, and his one and only Creative Director Minion has been on vacation for a week, I drew the short straw. It's been a crazy amount of pressure, and stress, and yes there has been weeping, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. The big presentation is Wednesday, so I need to spend the next couple of days collecting loose ends and psyching myself up to walk into a room of heavy hitters and pretend I belong there. I even bought a suit. By Thursday I think I'll either be promoted or at the unemployment office. Cross the fingers.

Meanwhile, filling in on the blogging front is 12 year old Dylan, who wrote this essay for school and secretly became my favorite child for several days.

THERE SHOULD BE NO RECESS FOR GRADES 6-8

Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong and wrong. You should not, under any circumstances, take away a child’s joy at school. I’m sure that there are many of you out there that love school and take great pride in your work but deep in your heart you know that every kid loves recess.

They say that we should begin to collect ourselves at around the age that were in junior high, but really we should squeeze fun into the last years of being a little kid and recess is perfect for just that. Mr. Duncan, Superintendent of CPS, is trying to rip some of our precious childhood out of our hands before nature intended anyone to. Yes, we may be swimming in the delta to our adulthood, but that should be a reason to keep our valuable time, not rid of it.

Recess is not always just about going outside for some fresh air, but also about staying in and catching up on some work or helping the teacher and so on. Many people here at our school go to the computer lab at recess, the library, and the gymnasium. It is also a time for punishment. The teachers have a perfect time to punish the bad kids and it is called recess. Recess is a good time for punishment for two main reasons: it is the only free time you have to punish them, except after school, and it is taking something they need and saying without words if you do not behave well then you will lose something dear to you.

There would be a lot of extra space at the school, and the teachers have been complaining about a parking lot. There is a catch for the teachers, though. Considering that not only do you take the kids recess from them, but then you make it impossible for them to do anything after school because the teachers are parking their cars in the playground. I’m just saying that eventually this is gonna push someone off the edge, especially the delinquents (NOT ME!!), and they are really gonna let your car have it. You know it’s true. So if you do take our freedom away from us in the time you own us and turn the extra space into a parking lot you’re taking a big risk parking there.

Depression would cover the most important three grades of the school until the students that are currently going there, go to high school. Basically what I’m saying is every single student of 6th, 7th, and 8th will no doubt be depressed until the next generation comes and it eventually wears off. And knowing our principal, I’m sure he would rather have a few minutes off of school than the most important grades full of depressed students. And to prove it, all principals always care about what rate their school is with his or her student’s grades or scoring. After saying that, just picture 3 depressed grades full of depressed kids being worked non stop for 6 hours and 30 minutes. No recess could ruin a poor, innocent kid’s life. I have read somewhere that when they made a law in China that they had to go to school much longer, the suicide ratings flew to the sky with all the depressed teens.

Hopefully you were persuaded to keep recess and keep kids happy. Recess should stay forever.

Amen.

Check Back Friday

Some nut left me in charge of the entire creative department. I plan on seeing daylight again at some point tomorrow.

PS HELP ME

Happy Birthday

to meeeee.

Presents!
From Dylan:

From the bossman:

From the CTA: 2 years of massive delays
From The Jeeb: massive project due on completely unrealistic timeline
From the boyfriend: cupcakes!
From me:


32 Is Ancient When You're 12
TEQUILA RED: This year is the first year in a long time that I didn't have a birthday party.
DYLAN: Why not?
TEQUILA RED: I don't know. I guess I just didn't feel like it.
DYLAN: Yeah. As you get towards the end of your life those things don't matter so much anymore.
TEQUILA RED: You'll be getting towards the end of YOUR life if you don't watch it.

* * * * * * *



At 32 I am ....
... in the best, most loving relationship I have ever had.
... the mom of two smart, hilarious kids.
... making a nice sum of money at a creative job.
... someone's boss.
... only maintaining the friendships that are positive and worthwhile.
... getting good at apologizing when I am wrong.
... pro choice.
... a good baker.
... a decent writer.
... willling to walk out of a bad movie.
... working on a plan to be debt-free.
... not smoking.
... politically active.
... clear-skinned.
... driving an 11 year old car.
... less concerned about what other people think.
... a neat freak.
... close to my family.
... fairly hot.
... happy.