Professionalism

Hey, if you ask me to take notes during a meeting, don't be surprised when they come back full of double entredres, inappropriate language, and repeated references to my own hottness. Staffing plans and revenue forecasts are azz-boring.

Meeting Highlight
The company president casually mentioned an employee who had one of those "online journal things" which was hilarious but they had to ask him to take it down because it was "too much." I could feel everyone looking at me but I just kept taking my notes. NOTE TO SELF: You will probably be getting fired soon. Also, we are out of milk.

A Very Merry Unbirthday

Olivia came into the office with me for a few hours last Thursday. I keep finding Post-It love notes stuck everywhere, which, awww. Also, she wrote her birthday onto my calendar on like 12 different days. Nice try, greedy.

The List

Josh and I were watching The Colbert Report the other night when I mentioned that Stephen Colbert is on my List. Not only is he on my List, he is at the tippy-top of my List. But no matter how much I prodded and pleaded, Josh refused to reveal his own List. In fact he claims not to have a List, but I know for a fact there is at least one girl on it. Two if time travel is an option. Also, I think he has a thing for her. Don't ask me why.

UPDATE: I finally got Josh to give up his real #3. Hmm.

Since you asked, here's who gets me hot & bothered.

Tequila Red's List of Celebrity ROWR

1. Stephen Colbert
Not only did he knock my boyfriend Jon Stewart out of the top spot, he knocked him off the list altogether. Jon Stewart is too obvious. Not that I would kick Jon Stewart out of bed for eating crackers. (Confidential to Jon Stewart: you could probably make it back onto the list. Call me!)

2. Rhett Miller
Rhett 4eva.

3. Some guy from Wisconsin.
I KNOW. I'm sorry. Does this mean I'm getting kicked out of Chicago? But I can't help it. I love him! He plays with such joy, even if he has been sucky for the last few years. The fact that he won't go away and retire kind of makes him hotter. I KNOW. Shut up. Maybe it's a phase.

Q: Who's on your List?

8 Things Meme

WHY: I was tagged by Indiana Tom, it's easy, and I'm lazy. Plus, I've got some ebaying to do.

1. The fastest way to make me run away from you is to start telling me about a dream you had.

2. I want to move to Grand Rapids. A friend just tipped me off to a great job there. I already picked out a house.

3. I have a tiny, secret crush on someone in the office, and it's not anyone you'd ever guess.

4. Looking at my split ends is an obsession.

5. I never eat breakfast.

6. People who whistle should be slapped, repeatedly, until they stop.

7. I don't have a favorite color. People don't believe you when you tell them this, so you always have to make one up. "Puce" is a good one.

8. If I wasn't in advertising, I would be a hairdresser.

The Rules:
• Players start with 8 random facts about themselves.
• Those who are tagged should post these rules and their 8 random facts.
• Players should tag eight other people and notify them that they have been tagged.

TRANSLATION: Do it if you feel it.

Crash Rating Up

On my way home from my folks' house on Sunday night I was cruising the toll road when I glanced in the rearview mirror and saw this behind me:



It had a racing stripe right down the center, just like the cars on my favorite Xbox game, Burnout Revenge. Then a song came on the radio and oh lord, it was a song from Burnout Revenge. Suddenly I'm doing 85 and considering checking the semi in the right lane. It was the Burnout Perfect Storm.

I may need to turn off the TV and get out more.

* * * * * *

More of the News You Need: Foxy, Fair & Unbalanced

Blogger New, Not Improved (cont.)
Last two posts disappear into abyss; world misses out on mediocrity, toilet humor

Mushroom Hunt Yields 0 Mushrooms
Related: snipe hunt yields no snipes

Two Dollars Well Spent
Weird Al videocassette only purchase at Wisconsin antique mall

Child Extra-Helpful Around the House
Parents still trying to figure out what he broke/ruined/flunked

4 Day Work-Week Leads Up to 4 Day Weekend
Writer putting minimal effort into anything except ebay

WORST WEEK EVER

Just a suggestion.

This post brought to you by the website of the day.

Vacation Runaway

The Final Frontier

Is it bad that I'm already planning my next vacation? Because I really want to rent this place for a week. Or, move there forever.

$450 / 1br - 100% Unique - Out of This World Spaceship Rental

Reply to: drew@podupnorth.com
Date: 2007-05-05, 10:48PM CDT

As seen on national HGTV in 2003! Rent my "pod" in the summer for anywhere from 3 nights at $75 per night or around $450 for the week. It is on a great private access 60 acre lake with sand beach for swimming, excellent fishing for Muskie, walley, bass, pan fish.

Please check out the website www.podupnorth.com for more details.

Thanks,

Drew

Welcome Back, My Ass

Nothing is so great as coming back from a lovely vacation to find a heaping, steaming pile of Projects Gone Wrong waiting on your desk. Oh, and a freelancer apparently spilled something into my keyboard and for the first two hours of the day all I could type was the equal sign.

=================

State of the Vacation

Monday
Still in town. Sick kid stays home from school. 75 and sunny outside but we are inside all day waiting for the doctor to call. Doctor calls at 4:30 and takes 12 seconds to decide kid is fine. I bet she bills me for that. On the way home from Little League, I get yelled at by a minivan full of teenagers for driving too slow. I am not above yelling back "NICE MINIVAN YOU LOSERS."

Tuesday
Still in town. Spend day doing laundry and cleaning house. Baby upstairs hasn't stopped screaming for 36 hours straight. Some shyster outside Walgreen's earns four bucks from me when he blames his girlfriend for blowing a fuse in his car and then cries. At dinner, Dylan asks what's for dessert. I say "apple tart" but he hears "asshole tard" and takes offense. Some future therapist is going to have a field day.

Tomorrow - Saturday
Wisconsin! An inn shaped like a barn! Goats on a restaurant roof! Cheese!
I can't wait.

Friday Pop Quiz

1. Since I haven't been blogging, what have I been doing with my extra time?
A. Curing cancer
B. Picking catfights
C. Pimping out brain for freelance cash
D. Both b & c

2. Next week I'm on vacation! Where am I going?
A. Hell
B. Tokyo
C. Living room sofa
D. Door County, WI

3. What's the most traumatic thing that happened to me this week?
A. Fight with sister
B. Spider in kitchen sink
C. Returning superawesome rental car
D. Rory might marry Logan

MATH
Mic's 2nd birthday party is in Detroit. Detroit is 279 miles from Chicago. On average, one can travel at a speed of 70 MPH along I-94. Accounting for construction, traffic and hourly bathroom breaks because children appparently have bladders the size of a nickel, one way travel time is approximately 6 hours. If we leave on Saturday morning and return Sunday morning, what is the proportion of time spent visiting family versus time visiting the inside of my car? EXTRA CREDIT: With gas costing $3.35/gallon, how much would white slavery dealers need to pay me for my children to finance this trip?

ANSWERS: D, D, C, and STAY HOME

HOMEWORK
Here's a good project for next week: do-it-yourself animals!




clockwise, from top right: elephant, frog, squirrel, seal, kangaroo, deer

DOH

Just when I thought I wouldn't have anything to blog about today.



The copy of the article may be the best part.

When Bob Chambers found that Jane Butterworth shared his love of the Simpsons, he quickly decided to make her the Marge to his Homer.

And that included dressing the part at their wedding.

Balding Mr. Chambers, 44, painted his head yellow before adding some spots of brown to represent Homer Simpson's stubble and streaks of hair. The rest of the cartoon star's outfit - blue trousers, short-sleeved white shirt and black shoes- was easy.

His bride sported a 2ft-tall knitted replica of Marge's blue beehive coiffure, plus orange necklace, green dress and red shoes.

The fancy-dress wedding party, where Derby register office played the part of Springfield, also included Catwoman, two nuns, a cowboy, Marilyn Monroe and a medieval princess. But some guests, including Mr. Chamber's brother Danny, chose more conventional wedding attire.

They watched dumbstruck as the new Mrs. Chambers arrived in a cement mixer driven by her husband's boss Mark Moult.

The bridegroom's twin sister Lyn Ayres, in the Catwoman costume, said, "No one knew Bob and Jane were coming as the Simpsons - we thought they might turn up as a lion and lioness."

More bizarro internet shit at eatliver.com. You can all thank Leah for that one.

UPDATE: Wow. People are some real freaks.