10 Classes I Need To Take

The Discovery Center is Chicago's self-proclaimed Lifelong Learning Center. For a few bucks you can learn to tango, write a screenplay, or speak Chinese. But they also offer classes that are a little more ... unusual. Here are my favorites:

1. Breakdancing
I am the whitest white girl who ever shook a pasty, no-rhythm booty on the dancefloor. Perhaps this class can teach me some funky fresh moves. Uh, word. Yo. Homey? "Bring to class: kneepads, elbo pads, and a hat for head spins." $75
ALTERNATE CHOICES: Tap Dance 1, Sitting In The Corner With A Drink And Your Dignity

2. Daytime Street Flirting
Primarily differs from Nighttime Street Flirting in that one is presumably sober, and therefore less likely to accidentally walk into a parking meter. "I never realized how easy & fun it really is to flirt with guys." (Andria, age 34) Poor, poor unfortunately named Andria. $49 + "$10 for handouts." Handouts? Will we be flirting with the homeless? Now I'm socially inept AND confused.
ALTERNATE CHOICES: Flirting Safari Party; Romance Boot Camp 1; Craigslist

3. Intro to the Art of Exotic Dancing For Everyday
Everyday? Am I becoming a stripper? Who knows! "It's learning how to reach deep within yourself to find your inner beauty and grace and combine these into sensual movements that only you can express." Hear that ladies? Reach deep within yourself. I think the mens pay extra for that. $39
ALTERNATE CHOICES: Secret Of Creating Abundance; The Magic of Rapport; Learning To Grab A $20 With Your Junk

4. On-Line Job Search: Zap Your Way To A New Career
Duh. $39
ALTERNATE CHOICE: How To Marry Rich

5. Past Life Regression
"Do you ever think that you have lived before? Do you feel that some of your current relationships began in another life? Do you have an illness or problem that you attribute to a past life? Do you believe your present job is related to what you did in a previous lifetime? In this class you'll learn about life between lives, your current life's lessons and why you chose to reincarnate. This is an experiential class; each student will have at least one opportunity to privately recall a past life. BYOC (bring your own candle)." $39 + candle
ALTERNATE CHOICES: An Evening With the Crystalmaster; Throw Your Money Down A Sewer Pipe And Watch It Float Away

6. Stop Smoking Through Hypnosis
Yeah, because that goddamn book worked so well. $39
ALTERNATE CHOICES: Lung Cancer For Dummies; Emphysema Is Your Friend; Fun With Tracheotomys

7. Blackjack For Blood
Just so you know, blackjack is NOT the one where you have to slap the jack every time it comes up. Casino dealers hate that. "I will take you virtually into a casino setting and help you understand what they know." So you can virtually win virtual money. What virtual fun! $59
ALTERNATE CHOICES: Old Maid for Old Maids; Go Fish

8. Coffeemating
I love Coffemate! It's delicious. $39
ALTERNATE CHOICES: International Delighting; Half and Halfsies

9. Networking for Kinky People
"Whether you've had fantasies about being tied up, wearing leather, bowling in the nude, multiple partners or other creative ideas, there are more like-minded people out there than you think." It's like someone can read my thoughts. $39
ALTERNATE CHOICES: Bondage And Domination, An Introduction; How To Find The X-Tasy Spot; Craigslist

10. How To Date A 10 Even If You Are Not One
Don't be silly. $0