Current Events Quiz

Test your knowledge of current events and stuff from my private life that you'd have no way of knowing about!

1. Which of the following is least dull?
A) Oscar nominations
B) State of the Union
C) Anything James Frey
D) My visit to Medieval Times last Saturday

BONUS! What should Oprah really be apologizing for?
A) endless sanctimony
B) unleashing Tom Cruise
C) O Magazine
D) Dr. Phil

2. The Ferrari asked for the address of this blog. I should:
A) Ignore him.
B) Say no.
C) Say hellz no.
D) Release the lions.

3. This Sunday is the Super Bowl.
A) Go Steelers!
B) Go Seahawks!
C) Yay, commercials!
D) Meh.

4. Someone I really don't care for wants to make nicey-nice. I should:
A) Bury the hatchet.
B) Bury the hatchet in her skull.
C) Talk shit about her in my blog, which she reads.
D) Pee on her toothbrush.

5. FILL IN THE BLANK. "Sam Alito is ____________"
A) scary
B) waaaaaay too conservative
C) our new Supreme Court Justice
D) WHY GOD WHY

6. Where's my boyfriend these days?
A) Lost
B) Hiding
C) Witness protection
D) Detroit

7. Writing blog entries in a quiz format is:
A) Entertaining
B) Dumb
C) Lazy
D) Shut up

The State of the Blog

Boring.

My Humps

This morning I was wandering around the house bare-ass nekkid, as you do, wondering if it was skirt weather and how unreasonable it would it be to warm up some of yesterday's coffee in the micro when suddenly my landlord knocks at the door and yells "Hey KAR!" then OH GOD HE'S UNLOCKING THE DOOR AND HE'S COMING IN QUICK QUICK TO THE BATHROOM! FIND ROBE! COVER ASS! And then I came out of the bathroom clutching my robe around me and I was like DUDE WTF? And there was an 80 year old plumber with him and he was all I FIX ZEE PIPES! and the landlord was like "uhhhh, but your car wasn't here! And I called your cellphone!" And I was like, yah, car's in the shop and cell phone's charging, nice work bucky. Then I remembered that he hasn't raised my rent in a couple of years or started charging me for heat or anything and besides, he's pretty good looking so I just said THAT'S OKAY and went to put some clothes on.

* * * * * *

One of my friends at work just got laid off. Without getting into the details, let it be said that she got the shaft and I am terrifically pissed on her behalf. The alcohol ban will be temporarily suspended when we go for a glass of wine after work tonight.

* * * * * *

I am totally rocking the side ponytail today.



* * * * * *
Please buy me this sofa.

Stop Requested

My car is in the shop, so every day this week I've caught the 80 bus from my house to the Brown Line. It's only about 9 blocks, but it's a long and cold 9 blocks. Don't you judge me.

On any given morning, roughly a quarter of the people on the bus will be getting off and transferring to the train. Not one of them, however, wants to be the person who pulls the cord for that stop.

Why this is, I have no idea. But every morning, a game of chicken takes place on the bus. The blocks tick by and the Brown Line creeps closer and closer. Everyone feigns nonchalance, looking out the window or examining their fingernails. Surely someone else will pull the cord. Damen goes by. Then Wolcott. Okay, it's now or never, people. If no one yanks that cord in the next 3 seconds we're all going to be hoofing it back the three blocks from Ashland. It's a battle of nerves! Who will blink first?

I'll tell you who: ME. Every day, I'm the one who buckles. I pull the damn cord and when the bus stops fifteen people suddenly jump up and pile off after me. Then they wait to see if I'll get pancaked by a cement truck before following me across the street.

I just don't understand it. Who pulls the cord on the days when I walk? Or do they all just end up at Lake Michigan, looking blase and really really late for work?

* * * * * *

I'm supposed to be in a meeting now, but it was boring and no one was talking about me so I left.

* * * * * *

Have you seen? Those pimptards at Urban Outfitters are trying to bring back the footless-leggings-under-a-dress look. Vote "no" on that one, won't you?

* * * * * *

Sorry about the post below this. Sometimes I'm very lazy.

That's a really good song though.

Awwwww

1. Cutest Photo of Kittens I've Seen So Far Today:


2. Cutest Song I've Heard In Ages, or Possibly Ever:
"Handle With Care" as done by Jenny Lewis, Ben Gibbard, Matty Ward & Conor Oberst

3. Cutest Shoes I'll Never Own:

Eleven

It's Birthday time, fools!



Things Dylan Isn't Getting For His B-Day:

• Pony
• Puppy
• Bizarro mannequin
• Clown painting by serial killer
• BB gun
• Stripper

Still on the table: iTunes gift card, trip to Uncle Fun, dinner at Medieval Times, hamster.

Blacking Out the Friction

This weekend we rented "The Skeleton Key" and "The Cave." They might have been scary. I can't tell you for sure because both of them were so damn dark I couldn't see a thing.

Concert Josh: Is that ... did the monster just eat that guy?
Tequila Red: I don't know. Maybe. It sounded like it.
Concert Josh: No, look, that's him running.
Tequila Red: Are you sure? I think that's a dog.
Concert Josh: Dogs carry flashlights?
Tequila Red: But it's all furry!
Concert Josh: No, that's his coat. Or maybe it's his hair.
Tequila Red: What?
Concert Josh: Actually, I think that's the monster.
Tequila Red: But it just said "Hello Judy."
Concert Josh: ...
Tequila Red: Let's watch Antiques Roadshow.
Concert Josh: Okay. But just so you know, that's not the remote.
Tequila Red: Sorry.

* * * * *

Bunny Boilers
I just found out that Jon Langford's son goes to the same school as my kids. Old 97's fans know him as the dude who wrote "Over the Cliff." My goal in life is to own one of his kickass paintings.

Let the stalking begin.

* * * * *

To Buy or Not To Buy?

$100 headboard on Craigslist. Si or no?

* * * * *

Haven't We All?

Have you ever been visited by JOHN LENNON'S GHOST?

Reply to: leomartinsoup@yahoo.com
Date: 2006-01-16, 8:46PM CST

I'm looking for people with stories like this. I have a similar story, and I am publishing stories that are like mine.

If you, or someone you know believes they have been visited by the ghost or spirit of John Lennon please e-mail me and we can chat.

no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: Who knows?

* * * * *

Happy National Hugging Day
Don't touch me.

MASH

Oh shit, my boss isn't getting a lick of work out of me for the rest of the afternoon. Erica and Bex, look at what I found online! EEEEEEEE!

Here's my fortune:

CONGRATULATIONS...

Your husband's name is Rhett and you have 0 children. You're a preacher who drives to work every day in a orange convertible.

It's truly a wonderful life when you consider the countless romantic nights you have spent with Rhett in your house in Sussex.

NOTE: Pick the "slowly" speed, because the other ones are just too dern quick.
NOTE 2: I totally want to know what everyone got. Spill.

Friday Filler

Last night I pulled my hair back to wash my face and realized I'd accidentally created the perfect Audrey Heburn updo. I spent several minutes admiring it with a handmirror and pulling in my cheeks to make sexy fishfaces. Then I went to bed feeling quite foxy.

The girl sitting next to me on the el this morning blasted "Rooster" by Alice in Chains all the way into the city. On repeat. at top volume. My chewing gum came dangerously close to getting stuck in her hair. Purely by accident, of course.

Speaking of the el, I ran into Train Boyfriend on the platform yesterday. It's been almost a year since The Incident. This time I just kept walking. He's not that attractive.

My boss hired the hot girl. I bet she makes more than I do too.

Took my car to the bodyshop for an estimate today. The mechanic made a point of mocking the numerous other dings, dents, and dangling mirrors on my car. We'll see who's laughing when I stash a McDonald's fish sandwich under the seat before dropping off the car next week.

I keep having dreams where I'm smoking. Also, dreams about vampires.

This is Day 5.

Four Things

I'm not usually big on the tagging thing, but this one from Megan is
a) interesting and b) short, plus who am I kidding, I think that girl is the bee's knees. Also, I have nothing else to write about today except maybe the fact that I recently gave Concert Josh keys to my place, and look, that took all of three seconds. So here.

Four Jobs You've Had In Your Life:
1. Copywriter
2. Cable TV Commercial Writer/Producer
3. Soldier/Radio Deejay
4. Momma

Four Movies You Could Watch Over and Over Again:








Four Places You've Lived:
1. Chicago, IL
2. McHenry, IL
3. Weisbaden, Germany
4. Cassopolis, MI

Four TV Shows You Love To Watch:
1. "Veronica Mars"
2. "Reba"
3. "Beauty & The Geek"
4. "Coupling"

Four Places You've Been On Vacation:
1. Vegas (1997)
2. Vegas (2003)
3. Vegas (2004)
4. Vegas (2005)

Dear Everyone I Know,

Please get married SOMEWHERE ELSE. Starting ... now.

Thanks,
TR

Four Blogs You Visit Daily:
I read all y'all over there on the Top Shelf quite regular, ferreals. But here are 4 of my current crushes.
1. Girl Crush: Raymi
2. Writer's Crush: OGFP
3. Music Crush: Hello Gina
4. Gossip Crush: goldenfiddle

Four Of Your Favorite Foods:
1. The quesadillas at Mamacita's, with sour cream and guac inside
2. Lou Malnati's deep dish cheese
3. Shrimp pad see ewe at Opart Thai
4. Buffalo mozzarella

Four Albums You Can't Live Without:
1. Old 97's - Too Far To Care
2. Rilo Kiley - The Execution of All Things
3. The Cure - Galore (The Singles, '87 -'97)
4. Ryan Adams - Heartbreaker
5. Smashing Pumpkins - Siamese Dream
6. The Hold Steady - The Hold Steady Almost Killed Me
7. Liz Phair - Exile in Guyville (BITCHES, WHO HAS MY COPY OF THIS?!)
8. Meryn Cadell - Angel Food Cake For Thought
9. American Analog Set - Know By Heart
10. Jeff Buckley - Grace

Yeah, not four.

Four Vehicles You've Owned:
1. Silver Blazer with dangling side mirror
2. '81 BMW held together by Bondo and willpower
2. Green Citation, aka The Turtle
3. Michael's old crapmobile that I bought for like $100 and then had to pushpin the ceiling up

Four People To Be Tagged:
Anyone who wants to do it, go nuts. Just leave a comment telling us ya did and where to look.

Right on.

Eavesdropping

If you're not reading Overheard in New York, you're missing the funny. Like so:

Going to the STD Clinic (A NYC Short Story)

Indian chick: So I was watching VH1 and it was a show about child stars. You know, Drew Barrymore, Jodie Foster--
Asian chick: What? Jodie Foster was a child star?
Indian chick: Yeah. She was a child prostitute at like, 13, and they made a movie about it and everything.


Indian chick: Lookit that chart. They're ranking condoms, see? Trojan Magnum, then Regular Trojans, then Trojan Ultra Sheer, then Durex Regular, then Lifestyles, and then Lifestyle Ultra-Sensitive, see?
Asian chick: Mmm. Trojan Ultra Sheers, yeah.
Indian chick: But Durex has at least one more that should go in there! Durex has a Magnum too and it's really good.
Asian chick: So yeah, what's their deal?
Indian chick: Like, it' all about how well they endure. Not how much pleasure they give. Fucking government chart.


Indian chick: Anyway. I'm definitely thinkin' about havin' my kids in a foreign country. Like, dual citizenship. Just take a semester off, fly to Britain for a month, and voila.
Asian chick: That's the craziest thing I've ever heard. What for?
Indian chick: They just come out cooler, that's all.

--Chelsea Health Center, 9th Avenue

3 for Dad

Happy Birthday Pops!

On The Wagon

Twice in the past 5 days I've gone out for "a beer or two" and wound up 110% trashed, behaving like an obnoxious ass to my poor boyfriend, picking fights, stirring up drama, and just generally making an embarrassment of myself.

It's time to straighten up and fly right.

For the next 30 days I'm on a self-imposed alcohol embargo. No beer. No wine. No gin. Especially no gin. And just for good measure, no smokes either.

I'm sick of waking up with that Oh shit what did I do twist of apprehension in the pit of my stomach, wishing I could take back the entire night and apologizing endlessly to a boyfriend who deserves better.

Time to do better.

* * * * *

Weekend Happenings of Note:

• I bought a painting. It was only $25 but the sheer shittiness of driving out to Naperville on a Saturday afternoon makes it less of a bargain. If you ever want to live in a giant mall, we can give you directions. Concert Josh Irritation Factor: 4

• Some old dude hit my car on Sunday night as we were turning into stupid dumb McDonald's. I was really really mean to the old dude, which is too bad because he turned out to be cool. And his insurance is fantastic. I have since apologized. Concert Josh Irritation Factor: 9, since he was driving

• Stupid dumb drunk girl falls off her own shoes for no good reason and twists her ankle, dragging her boyfriend down onto the dirty alley ground. Concert Josh Irritation Factor: 7.5

• Bears lose. Concert Josh Irritation Factor: 10


Concert Josh: Super hot, totally annoyed

NFL HNT

Go Bears!

Courting Disaster

Things are looking pretty good for the President's latest nomination to the Supreme Court. Barring any major missteps, it's fairly certain that he will be confirmed once these (really boring) hearings end. So now the main question is:

Just how much are we fucked?



Alito, or a lot?

In slightly happier news, it's been revealed that Mr. Alito has a major, six-figure interest in the investment company Vanguard. Which just happens to be where my retirement savings are. Which I feel wonderful about. Mo-fos won't be pulling no Enron on a Supreme Court Justice, even if he does think it's okay to strip search women and children not named on a search warrant, or deports the fiances of women seeking asylum from forced abortions in communist countries, or says a woman's right to choose isn't protected by the Constitution. At least I know my Golden Years: Toronto fund is safe and sound.

* * * * *
Mother's Not Herself Today
This news story about an old woman who was found mummified in front of the TV set two years after she died seems somehow familiar...

* * * * *
Bartering On Craigslist

Reply to: sale-124249800@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-01-10, 4:14PM CST

hi, my girlfriend laura is starting to get on my nerve.
she complains about everything.

will trade you for a less annoying girlfriend. or something of equal or greater value.


this is in or around Chicago
no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Still want to go to the Bears game, Josh?

Bears tix for Escort Service

Reply to: sale-124135032@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-01-10, 10:23AM CST

Willing to trade 2 bears tix for this Sunday for NSA action

this is in or around Arlington Heights
no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

* * * * *
There's a Blonde Joke Here Somewhere



Any takers?

A Chip Off the Old BLOG

My boy has started his very own blog. I helped him set it up, but the posts are 100% his.

Yes, he is that hilarious.

January 9, 1980

Here is what I remember about my mother:

I remember her burying me in a bright pile of fall leaves.
I remember Sunday School.
And being tucked into bed at night.
I remember picking out wallpaper for the bathroom of our new house.
Lying on a big bed with her and my baby brother.
Green shag carpeting.
I remember one summer weekend at a lakeside cottage. My first bikini, polka-dotted. A floating raft, and one of her friends accidentally drinking the contacts she'd left in shot glasses overnight.
A parade where she wore a blue and gold genie costume that was so beautiful it took my breath away.
I remember watching her swim out into the ocean.
The feel of horseflesh rippling beneath our legs.
I remember the day she brought my sister home and placed her gently in my arms.
Long car trips late at night.
Hearing her sing James Taylor.
Her hands.

I remember opening the door to find her friend, weeping.
I remember someone holding me up to peer through a pane of gridded glass in a heavy wooden hospital door.
I remember the new dress I wore to her funeral, baby blue with a lace ruffle along the hem.
I remember sitting on my grandfather's lap because my grandmother and my father were so completely shattered by grief.
I remember not understanding any of it.

Twenty-six years. She's been gone now longer than she was here; I'm older than she will ever be. And if I don't remember much, I still have pictures, and all the stories told by my dad and my grandparents and my aunts and uncle. I have the journals she kept since she was 13, and her funky seventies jewelry that I wear almost every day, and her guitar sitting in a corner of my dining room. I have the Raggedy Ann that was hers when she was little, and boxes of letters, and her high school marching band uniform. Her wedding dress. A cassette tape.

And every time I look into the mirror, I can see her face.



"Fire & Rain"

In Which I Lose It

Maybe it was hormones. Or maybe it was the fact that I was trying to take a vacation day to spend time with my kids but had no less than four hours of conference calls scheduled. Or maybe it's just because I'm a redhead with a short fuse and a quick trigger. But let me tell you: I had myself a good old-fashioned temper tantrum yesterday.

My upstairs neighbor is a laundry hog. He takes his sweet time between loads, leaves for work with clothes in the washer, and NEVER comes to fetch his last load after it dries. Eventually I have to take it out and pile it on top of the dryer, where it languishes for several more days, invading my laundry space and just generally pissing me off.

Yesterday, Laundry Hog got a little payback.

Thursday, 9 AM

Laundry Hog has been washing his clothes since Monday. This is not an exaggeration. Who knew a single man with JC Penny fashion sense could own so many pieces of clothing, but that dryer has been running for four days straight. Finally I hear it stop.

I go downstairs to investigate and find the washer empty. Sweet! I shove in some sheets before Laundry Hog can decide that his curtains are looking a bit dingy or that the bathmats could use a fluff. I hear him on the back porch, talking on the phone while he has a smoke. And if I'm hearing him, he's hearing me.

His stupid clothes are a still a bit damp so I put another 20 minutes on the dial. I am feeling generous.

10:00 AM

Laundry Hog's clothes are still in the dryer. I pull them out and reluctantly give the pants and sheets a courtesy fold they do not deserve before piling them on top of the machine. I put my own clothes in the dryer. I am getting irritated.

11:30 AM

His laundry is still on top of the dryer. He is still home. I try to fold my clean clothes onto the six square inches of dryer not covered by his Canyon River Blues. I am annoyed.

1:00 PM

Laundry still there. I fold a batch of shirts and begin to toss another load in the washer. My pile of clean shirts falls off of their six inches of dryer space and directly onto the filty dirty nasty disgusting lint-covered floor. I am enraged.

1:01 PM

I grab Laundry Hog's laundry and fling it across the room. I kick it, swear at it, pick it up, throw it back down, jump on it, swear at it some more, and stomp on it until I remember that Laundry Hog is also a cop.

1:05 PM

I pick all Laundry Hog's clothes up off the floor, slam them back onto the dryer, and finish my own laundry.

4:15 PM Today


Dick.

Trojannoying

So, did ya watch Rose Bowl last night? Pretty good game, huh? How about that Vince Young! Hey listen, if you have a sec maybe you can clarify something for me:

Why THE HOLY FUCK did that one announcer keep referring to them as "times out"? As in, "The Trojans have 2 times out remaining." Every time he did it my head exploded. I couldn't even pay attention to the game after a while. "Times out." Eat a dick, you pretentious ninny.

* * * * * *

Other mysteries currently plaguing me: who or what left that enormous pile of diarrhea in the alley next to my garbage cans, and also, what's the deal with rugby?

Happy New Years

2006 was heralded with much beer and silly hats at an intimate gathering of friends at the Fireside Bowl. It was followed shortly after by a stupid fight with the Boyfriend, ill-conceived text messaging, and make-up making out. At least one of the parties involved felt kind of dumb the next morning.


Cousin Matt


Whooping it up with Concert Josh's sister


Some funny dude and Rock Star Matt


Midnight smooches

So far my year has gone a little like this:

Drink
Sleep
Drink
Lay around
Sleep
Watch movies
Sleep
Drink
Eat
Sleep
Sleep

May the rest of the year be just as grand.

* * * * * *

Other:

• GO IRISH! Beat the snot out of Ohio State! [UPDATE: Well that certainly sucked.]
• Dan, I made a CD for you.
• Bye-bye, Tiny Lounge.
• I heart Melmar.
• Regular posting to commence soon.