4 Shopping Days Left

April 2nd, dear reader. This Sunday I turn the big 3-1. If you're still looking for the perfect present, here are some unique ideas I've compiled from Craigslist:











SAVE THE DATE: SATURDAY
Alas, no big themed costume party this year, but I will probably try to get some folks together at a bar somewhere in the city on Saturday night to toss a few back. Stay tuned for the wheres and what times.

* * * * * *

Sympathy for Teacher

TEQUILA RED: Olivia, can you please clean up your toys in the living room?
OLIVIA [SIGHING DEEPLY]: Oy vey.
TEQUILA RED: Did you just say "oy vey"?
OLIVIA: Yeah.
TEQUILA RED: Do you even know what that means?
OLIVIA: My teacher says it all the time.
DYLAN: So does mine.
TEQUILA RED: Heh.
OLIVIA: What?
TEQUILA RED: Nothing. How many kids are in your classes, by the way?
DYLAN: Thirty.
OLIVIA: Twenty nine.
TEQUILA RED: Sounds about right.

YEAH!

THEY BOUGHT IT.

TV. Print. The whole shebang.

I just did a victory lap around the office, complete with high fives and booty bumps.

This is big.

The Big One

Here's what's been happening.

The Jeeb - agency of my employment - is actually a teensy tiny subsidiary of a massively huge advertising scion. Let's call it Big Poppa. The Jeeb and Big Poppa share many of the same clients, but the peeps at Big Poppa usually do all the sexy work like TV commercials, while my compadres and I here at The Jeeb work on decidedly less sexy shelf signage and print ads.

However.

This week Big Poppa had a capital-i-Important meeting to present TV concepts to a client we share. Fancy Client was not down with what they saw. So Fancy Client called us and asked if we could show them something.

By Monday.

So, that's what I've been doing EVERY WAKING SECOND FOR THE PAST WEEK. Trying to pull a miracle out of my ass. Hopefully this has been accomplished, since everything was sent to the printer this morning to be made into presentation boards. My boss is handling the meeting so now all I can do is wait.

Oh, and catch up on everything I've been neglecting for a week. Like my other clients. And my children. And my blog. I'm kind of a mess but if things go well - if Fancy Client loves the work - well, the payoff is huge.

And if they hate it, I may be moving in with my parents for a while.

Fingers crossed.

Reincarnated

In a Past Life...

You Were: A Gorgeous Assassin. Where You Lived: China. How You Died: Consumption.

Who Were You In a Past Life?

My New Addiction

www.cavecanum.com

It's like a free-wheeling postsecret, minus any artistic delusions. Some of it is sad and/or deeply disturbing and/or boring. And some of it is pure brilliance.

3907. I have this fantasy where I’m at a party when the hostess suddenly calls out, “Attention, attention. We have an emergency. Does anyone know the arc-tangent of 30?” I’d be ready and instantly answer. Then people would applaud and carry me around the room on their shoulders.

3966. I practice all my conversations before I have them. It’ s exhausting.

3937. I was leaving the cemetery after attending my uncle's burial when I saw some really nice fresh lilles on a grave and I thought to myself "what a waste" so I took them and gave them to my girlfriend. When she asked me what they were for I just told her I had to get them because they reminded me of her.

3975. I can derive that famous Einstein formula e = mc2. Unfortunately chicks don’t dig this.

3979. I totally dig men that can derive Einstein's E=MC2.

3903. I had an erotic dream about my husband. What a waste.

Why Not?

Turn a regular old boring weekend into a super fly weekend of fun!
Here's how:

FRIDAY
Instead Of
Having a nice quiet lunch with the CEO of your company ...

Why Don't You
... have an insane lunch with the CEO of your company at an Irish bar on St. Patrick's Day. Drink 5 beers and demand a raise. Come back to work trashed and immediately call your boyfriend to come pick you up. Walk around agency with a beer in each hand until he gets there. Be disinvited to important meeting. Steal unattended cigarette.

Instead Of
Waiting until you have sobered up to call your mother and wish her a happy birthday...

Why Don't You
... call her while you're wasted. But first, make sure you somehow accidentally call her boss. Who is on vacation. I'm not sure how that happened, actually. Tell him to buy your Moms something pretty for her b-day. Like a raise.

SATURDAY
Instead Of
Going to a peace protest ...

Why Don't You...
... go to an Arctic Monkeys concert instead. Get there late and stand in something sticky. Four songs into the show, ditch Boyfriend and Friend of Boyfriend and go to the bar next door. Talk on cell phone and flirt with bartender who looks like Heath Ledger. Try to decide if the hipster boy across the room is a guy you used to date. LAST YEAR. Curse poor memory. Look for unattended cigarettes.

SUNDAY
Instead Of
Laying around the house all day in your underwear ...

Why Don't You
... put on some pants and go check out the new Warhol exhibit at the MCA. Pretend to understand weirdo "Screen Test" videos of his freaky friends just staring at the camera. Decide it's okay to like the giant cat skeleton in the lobby better. Congratulate yourself on doing something cultural. Go home and watch TV in your underwear.

SWF

4 freaky chicks just looking for love on CL:

Marlboro Madam
Sally Sunshine
The Serial Killer Magnet
Is Really a Dude

Also: Heh.

Music Meme

A mish-mash-sha-walla-walla of the best questions from various music memes, including one from Poppisima.

You know you want to.

First Concert:
I tell everyone it was Soul Asylum but really they were opening for the band I was there to see. The Spin Doctors. I know. But I won the tickets on the radio!

First Record Bought:
The Bangles Everything was my first tape. I wish I still had it.

Last CD Bought:
Belle & Sebastian, The Life Pursuit LOVE LOVE LOVE IT

Favorite Record Label:
Polyvinyl
Or Kill Rock Stars
And Secretly Canadian

Favorite Music Magazine:
It's the blog, baby! Hello Gina & Jerry Yeti & songs:illinois & you ain't no picasso

Favourite Album Cover:
Deerhoof, Milkman

Singer Who Makes Your Skin Crawl:
SHUT UP JOANNA NEWSOM

Singer Who Makes You Swoon:


Der.

Song You'll Never Get Sick of Hearing:
"Tomboy," Bettie Serveert

Album You Own That No One Else Does:
Angel Food Cake for Thought, Meryn Cadell

Album You Own But Hate:
Beth Orton, Central Reservation. Sorry but I think she sounds constipated.

Song You Can't Stand by an Artist You Like:
Everything from the last Death Cab album.

Band That Should Break Up:

Death Cab

Band That Should Re-form:

Rilo Kiley/Kuntly. Blake & Jenny = better togethers.

Guilty Pleasure:

The Black Eyed Peas. My hump my hump my hump! Check it out!!

Last Song You Listened To:
"Funeral Face," Suburban Kids With Biblical Names - download it like you should.

PETA Pockets

I took two showers this morning. The second one came after I stepped in a puddle of cat piss. In the middle of the kitchen floor. With bare feet.

In other news, I have a lovely new pair of furry yellow mittens.

Friend of the Day

Plus, he's real purdy and throws great barbecues.

Making Me Sick

Damn kids with their damn viruses. First Olivia got it. Then Dylan got it. Then Dylan gave it to me. The result: a weekend mostly in bed, with major headaches and a chance of vomiting. I still feel like I'm getting trunk-punched in the gut by angry elephants. Also, why is my head so heavy?

No matter. I'm at work now because I have a Super Important TV Commercial to write, and by god write it I will. Except, instead of doing that I've kind of been writing a short story. And now I'm blogging. And in a few minutes I'm probably going home and crawling into bed. So if someone could think of a good idea for a cell phone commercial, that would be fantastic.

SAY CHEESE
Despite the viral smackdown, the kids and I managed to have at least a little fun. We came downtown on Saturday for the St. Patrick's Day parade, only to abandon that plan five blocks in and loll around the riverfront instead. I whipped out my camera for an impromptu photo shoot, which thrilled Olivia...



... and pained Dylan.



People closely related to us might enjoy the rest of the pictures.

SKIRTING THE ISSUE
Ladies, you MUST thrift for long skirts and then turn them into cute bubble skirts by stitching the hem to the waistband. It is so very Screw You, Urban Outfitters. Don't listen to the bubble skirt haters; the bubble skirt is your friend. Just keep it around knee length and stick to grown up colors. If you choose to pair the bubble skirt with footless tights, I can't help you.

MUSIC NEWS
Chicago peeps: Intonation goes on without the 'fork! Click here at noon today to get the 2-day festival passes for just $25. Bloc Party, people! And kids 12 and under are free! I swear to you, I will break those children of Fall Out Boy and Maroon 5 if it kills me.

Loathe them or hate them, Pitchfork's music fest at the end of July does look rather tasty. Silver Jews just added, woot woot! The line up so far also includes:
• Spoon
• Ted Leo/Pharmacists
• Mountain Goats
• The National
• Jens Lekman
• Tapes 'n Tapes

2-day passes are here for a mere $30.

Hammer Time
I can't remember where I found this but MC Hammer has a blog. And a major hard-on for Barry Bonds, it seems. Read it for the comments if nothing else.

She's A Character

One of my friends recently decided to make a Major Life Change involving going back to school, and has asked me to write her a character reference. Why, I'd be delighted!

To Whom It May Concern:

My friend Melmar has tons of character, but don't just take my word for it! The evidence speaks for itself:

• Melmar is caring. She is the kind of friend who will scrape your drunken carcass up off the sidewalk and only take one or two pictures first.

• Melmar is devoted to feeding the hungry. Like that time we were crashing at her house after a long night out and she offered to make us a frozen pizza but then fell asleep and almost burned the house down, oops.

• Melmar is giving. Once she was going to messenger over a big packet of blank paper just so I could get a good look at Chicago's hottest bike messenger. But then something happened and she didn't. I forget what.

• Melmar is supportive. She will remind you that the schlub you were dating is indeed a hopeless loser, and will not even say I told you so when that jackass goes and gives you the clap. Instead, she will say it later, in private, to her husband, when you cannot even hear.

Whether it's snagging a can of whipped cream from behind the bar at the Tiny and starting impromptu whipped cream wars with strangers, or "accidentally" knocking me down in the street and strangling me with the belt from my own coat until I cry, you can count on Melmar to truly make the most of any situation. She is one of my closest friends.

Especially after a few Jack & Cokes.

Hubba hubba.

Best Regards,

Tequila Red

The Art of HNT

Last night, as an early birthday present, Concert Josh brought home a beeyooteeful painting I'd been lusting after on Craigslist.



Half Nekkid Thursday: the lazy exhibitionist blogger's berry best friend.

Dry Spell

So it's been pretty slow around here for the past week or so. Sorry about that. I blame this little thing called a "career" which, while I still have it, pays my bills and allows me to spend money on such extravagances as electricity and nourishment. Plus, I'm so goddamn boring lately. My boyfriend's great! My kids are adorable! I just got a cherry assignment at work! Somebody stop the presses!

At least I'm not the only one with writer's block. I mean, Stephen King has obviously run out of things to write about too. His last book was about killer cell phones, for chrissakes. It's a bestseller, but still. Have some standards.

There was going to be more here but then I accidentally hit return and my computer decided to go ahead and post this and, really, who am I to argue? So let me just state for the record:

• I did not watch the Oscars
• I lost my cellphone after a few too many gimlets on Friday night
• Who is Phil?
• I owe exactly $1 on my taxes
• The sidebar has been updated
• Asshats trolling the comments have been banned
• New re-design in the works
• I have already cried once today
• Tomorrow WILL be HNT on the Tequila Red blog
• I hate it when people whistle
• I hope to be completely out of debt in 18 months
• Diet 7-Up really does taste like Regular 7-Up