Still Got It

No matter how much you love your boyfriend, when the hottest boy on the train and possibly the planet spends the entire commute making eyes at you, you WILL feel the need to tell every single person you know about it. You will also walk around for the rest of the day with a certain swagger in your step, flip your hair more often than usual, and maybe also write a haiku.

Hot guy on the train
Keeps looking flirty at me
He must like parkas

The Monday Minimum

Q: How do you keep The Colts out of your yard?

A: Put up goal posts.

Q: What’s the difference between the Colts and a dollar bill?

A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q: What do the Colts and Billy Graham have in common?

A: They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell “Jesus Christ.”

Q: If you see a Colts fan on a bike, why should you not swerve to hit him?
A: It could be your bike.

My Head Hurts

It's Friday, I'm hungover (JASON YOU SUCK) and my boss isn't here. I think it's time to do a little shopping, to be followed shortly by a little napping, a little McDonalds, and a little leaving early.

This store has GREAT Bears shirts like these:


yeah REGGIE BUSH you little turd
UPDATE: HA HA HA HA

If someone has $600 laying around, please buy me a wooden deerhead for my living room. If you only have $75, I will accept this suit of armor instead.


NOTE TO MY SIBLINGS: Just like Alfred!
NOTE TO MY DAD: Thanks for the nightmares!

God, I love Zappos.

Please buy these pillows I have for sale so I don't have to return them to Urban Outfitters. They are beeyooteefull and will make you more successful and better looking. You can come to my house too, bonus! Unless you are a crazy stalker, in which case I will meet you at a well-populated Starbucks. Otherwise I'll even offer you a beer. But not 10, because I did that last night and it wasn't pretty.

Bye.

But I Would Never Get Any Work Done

Vibrating Office Chair - like new - $95

Reply to: sale-268651630@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-01-26, 9:23AM CST

Almost new office chair vibrates.

That's right, works perfectly. The chair is a pleasure to sit in. Push a button and you have a private massage.

the pleasure chair

Guilty of Stupidity, Maybe

From the Chicago Trib:

Man gets 3 years for photo with 17-year-old girlfriend

WILL COUNTY -- A 22-year-old Joliet man who took a photo of himself inappropriately touching his partially clothed teenage girlfriend with her father's cell phone camera was sentenced Wednesday to 3 years in prison.

Bodemuller, who was 21 when the picture was taken last April, allegedly told police the image was for his and his girlfriend's private enjoyment.

I mean, clearly this kid is a moron, but so's his girlfriend. Who would take a dirty picture with your dad's cell phone? But THREE YEARS? In PRISON? For real?

"So, what are you in for?"
"Murder. You?"
"Took a picture of my girlfriend's funbags."

And let's not forget, for the rest of his life he will have to register as a sex offender. Wow, thanks Judge Amy Bertani-Tomczak, for keeping society safe from this dangerous pervert!

Look, you may not approve of your 17 year old daughter's boyfriend, but in a few short months Princess can bang anyone she damn well pleases and you won't be able to do a thing about it. I'm sure that was a highly unpleasant thing to find on your cell phone, but damn, ground the hussy and be done with it.

PS My dad would have cut his nuts off.

UPDATE: This was in the comments section, but I didn't want anyone to miss it. RogersParking posted a link to a powerful and beautifully written story on ESPN.com about Genarlow Wilson, the Georgia teenager sentenced to 10 YEARS IN PRISON for getting a blowjob from a teenage girl at a party. Read it, get angry, then sign the petition to free him, and donate a few bucks to the kid's (pro bono) defense fund. You can use Paypal, it will take all of 10 seconds.

Not Right Upstairs

Are you annoying enough to be my neighbor? Probably not, because the bar has been set pretty high. But take this quiz anyway to find out what it takes to drive me to drink on a daily basis!

1. When is a good time to do your laundry?
A) Whenever the hamper is full and you have enough for a couple of loads.
B) Every second day or so, to give the other people in the building a chance to do theirs too.
C) Every second of every minute of every day.

2. You told us dogs aren't allowed, but you have one. How often does this dog bark?
A) When it needs to go out.
B) When it gets excited.
C) Every second of every minute of every day.

3. Not many people vacuum wood floors, but you do! When do you vacuum?
A) During the day, since you stay home.
B) Midnight.
C) 6AM on weekends.
D) Half an hour before the maid arrives.
E) b, c & d

4. You decide to get surround sound for your TV [ed. note: ARGHHHHH]. Installation requires you to hammer nails directly into the floor - which also happens to be your neighbor's living room ceiling - for several hours on end. The ideal time to do this would be during the Bears / Saints NFC Championship game.
A) True
B) False, you halfwit.

5. Do you enjoy walking around in hardsoled shoes and/or high heels every moment of your life?
A) Why yes!
B) You know it!
C) Almost as much as I enjoy vacuuming at midnight!

6. Do you know how to park your car correctly?
A) Not a chance.
B) If by "correctly" you mean "mostly out of the street."
C) I park like an idiot.

EXTRA CREDIT: Since you control the thermostat, what is a good average temperature for the house?
A) 68 degrees
B) 70 degrees
C) The fourth circle of hell.

ANSWERS: Clearly, the only correct answer is moving.*

*NOTE: In all fairness, I should tell you that I like these people tremendously in person. It remains a fact, however, that they make me want to shove barbecue skewers into my eardrums at least once a day.

* * * * *

What were you doing exactly twelve years ago? I was trying, for the third consecutive day, to shove a small person out of my uterus. Happy Birthday Dylan!

Pull My Finger

What happens when you put a stop sign near a school:

Move It

Say you are on a crowded train, with an extremely heavy bag resting on the floor between your feet (so as to kindly NOT whack your fellow passengers), just listening to your pod and generally minding your own business. Say a very crabby and somewhat fatish woman attempts to exit the train in your vicinity. And just for fun, say that as she squeezes through throngs of commuters wearing giant parkas and bulky backpacks she chooses to single YOU out for a little verbal abuse, screeching "Step off the train, YOUR HIGHNESS!" even though you are not even close to the door, much less blocking it. What would be the proper response?

A) Invite her to step in front of the Red Line.
B) Tell her you really prefer "Your Majesty."
C) Smile sweetly, point to your headphones and shake your head.
D) Smile sweetly and shoot her the bird.
E) Shoot her.

Being caught completely off guard, I did nothing except look bewildered and spend the rest of my commute inventing snappy retorts inside my head. The next time someone calls me "Your Highness" on the train, they're unloading a high heap of hell, by golly.

* * * * *

WANTED: place to send son for several hours on February 4.

Please advise.

The Shuffle [REDUX]

YEAH.


Bears v Colts Super Bowl! I so totally called it in October.

TMI, Dad

A real conversation last night.

TEQUILA RED: Happy Birthday, Pops!
TEQUILA DAD: Thanks. I was just reading your blog when you called.
TEQUILA RED: Oh. Sorry about the boobs.
TEQUILA DAD: You think your dad doesn't know about boobs?
TEQUILA RED: Dad!
TEQUILA DAD: Because I've seen PLENTY of boobs in my day.
TEQUILA RED: DAD.
TEQUILA DAD: Although, we called them "tits."
TEQUILA RED: OK, that's enough.
TEQUILA DAD: I'm just saying.
TEQUILA RED: I feel dirty now.
TEQUILA DAD: Hey, you brought it up.
TEQUILA RED: ...So. How 'bout them Bears?

GO BEARS!

* * * * *

While I was absent from the Internet, apparently Google bought Blogger? If you had any doubts that Blogger could actually suck worse than it already did, rest assured that you were wrong. Thanks, Google!

That Don't Impress Me Much

A real conversation last night.
SETTING: bed
TEQUILA RED: G'night, honey.
CONCERT JOSH: Night, babe.
TR: Love you.
CJ: Love you too.
TR: Could you maybe move your hand off my boob though?
CJ: My hand isn't on your boob.
TR: It's not?
CJ: No.
TR: Oh, that's MY hand. Nevermind.
CJ: What the....?
TR: I couldn't feel it.
CJ: Um.
TR: I couldn't!
CJ: Whatever.
TR: Heh. I accidentally gave myself The Stranger.
CJ: Heh.
TR: Heeeeee. The Stranger! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
CJ: Go to sleep, weirdo.
TR: OK.
CJ: Zzzzzzz
TR: Hey, do you know any Shania Twain songs?
CJ: I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Songs for Annoying Your Boyfriend Very Late at Night
"Man! I Feel Like a Woman"
"From This Moment On"

Bite Back

Note to Office Bully:

Sometimes the underdog will surprise you.

They Call Me Sweetness and I Like to Dance

Unless you are actually here in the city of Chicago right now, it may be difficult to get a true handle on the Bearmania sweeping through our town. Sunday's major (and not for the faint of heart) victory over Seattle has done nothing short of unleash a football frenzy.



In this town, baseball divides us. Two teams equals two definitive sets of fans. When half of us are ecstatic, the other half of us are wishing a sudden and violent death on that first half. Half are delirious with happiness. Half are Cubs fans. But in Chicago everyone is loves the Bears (except Dylan). The Bears are our team, our guys, our One-Win-Away. In a city where sports are religion and athletes are legends, this is what we live for. This thrill. This moment. The possibility that maybe, just maybe, it's finally "next year."

Go Bears.

"The Shuffle" via Can You See the Sunset, who also has two other versions

* * * * *

Another Chicagoan looking to win big:

Run Barak run!

Take That Perverts
Thanks to my mad coding skillz, sickos looking for semi-nude pictures of former Buffy actresses will no longer be directed to this here blog. Other image searches that currently fail to lead here include "brutal cheesecake porno" and "nasty birth control lesions." Thanks for trying though.

Peecicle
Why isn't there any heat in the ladies' room?

Keep Dreaming

I'm thinking of starting a blog called "Good Luck With That." I think it would be useful mostly for mocking people's unrealistic Craiglist ads, like crazy personal ads, and people trying to sell used furniture from Ikea.

Millionaire seeking millionaire
Reply to: pers-263146306@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-01-15, 4:57PM CST

I'm looking for someone like me, who is an easy-going millionaire.

Aren't we all, dear.

Advertising Tutorial

How to Get Your Copywriter to Never Ever Write Anything for You Again, Ever
An easy guide for Account Executives - try it today!

Step 1!
Talk out of your ass.
Criticize the work before you've even seen it. Tell everyone in earshot that the client will hate it, although you don't even know what color it is or what the words are. Those are technicalities.

Step 2!
Develop amnesia.
Conveniently forget that the client is a big fan of the writer and quite possibly likes her better than you.

Step 3!
Be a dick.
Talk shit about the writer to the person in the office across the hall from hers. Use your big boy outside voice.

Step 4!
Push your luck.
When the writer comes over to defend herself, go into chode mode. Talk over her, claim she doesn't know what she's talking about, condescend to her by telling the everyone in the room to "just nod like you agree." Crap on the work one more time and then yell at anyone who says they like it.

Step 5!
Be afraid.
The writer is not above rubbing a dirty toilet brush all over everything in your office while you are away at a client meeting. This is probably the least disgusting thing she did in your office today, FYI.

Also, don't be surprised if everyone at work now thinks you're a hermaphrodite.

Song for People on Maniacal Power Trips
"Bukowski" - Modest Mouse

* * * * *

Glazed Anatomy
Two girls. A bottle of wine. A pottery shop with a TV tuned to Channel 7. Looks like we have a new favorite thing to do on Thursday nights.

What I Did On My Vacation, by Tequila Red

promotion
work
work
work
travel for work
work
cry
work
cheer for Democrats
cheer for Bears
sear retinas looking at Brit Brit's crotch
cry
work
quit smoking
work
work
plan work holiday party
drink
karaoke
damage control
work
work
wail
gnash teeth
rue the day
work
travel for work
work
2 week vacation from work
re-introduce self to children
sleep
play with babies
play with new toy
kiss boyfriend
sleep
visit family
worry about sister (earthquakes, bombings, etc)
sleep
read book
ebay
visit museums
bake cookies
reconsider priorities
laugh and laugh at Ohio State
reconnect with old friends
sleep in
dust off Blogger
revert back to original design to see if inspiration strikes
congratulate self for being genius
work
leave work at 5PM
like everything a lot more

Songs for People Making Some Damn Changes Around Here
"The New Year," Death Cab
"A Cautionary Song," Decemberists
Cake, "Take It All Away"
"Hints," Jose Gonzalez
"A Better Me," Fiona Apple

One Left

Happy New Year, Steve #2!