Cut and Paste

Q. What do you do when you're a 12 year old boy with too much time on your hands?

A. Torment your little sister, of course.

Poor Olivia found the following note on her dad's porch, which is conveniently located below Dylan's bedroom window.



After a brief freak out, she put two and two together. We are currently debating ways to get him back. So far, I have vetoed "snakes in the bed" and "Nair in the shampoo bottle." But we'll think of something. Oh yes.

Things To Do On Vacation

fish
swim
paddle
row
build campfire
tell lame ghost story
eat s'mores
eat watermelon
eat fruit cobbler as big as your head

"Excuse me, but I think I ordered the LARGE."
ride horses
play mini golf
dig up clams, let them go, see if you can find them tomorrow
play paintball
drive go karts
fly fighter jet
jump on trampoline
see terrible movie
see excellent movie
stargaze
read local paper
mock local paper
read Chicago paper
play mini golf
fish
float
get sunburned on tushie
birdwatch
shower in stank yellow water
curse broken coffee maker
wish for broom and dustpan
curse broken fireplace
wish for coffee table
curse broken chair
list ways you'd fix up cottage if you owned it
fish
5 hour Monopoly marathons
watch the sun rise
watch the sun set
drink cheap wine
househunt
classic car show
listen to country music
play mini golf in the dark
enjoy lovely dinner with former boss/still soulmate
chill

It's Five O'Clock Somewhere

COWORKER M: Do you think we should tell the New Bossman that "hummer" is a term for blow job?
TEQUILA RED: Hmmm. Maybe.
COWORKER M: Because in the meeting we just had, he kept saying [British accent] "You could win a Hummer! Who would turn down a Hummer?! I would love a Hummer."
ALL: HA HA HA HA
COWORKER M: And then? Right after we talked about an idea for Breast Cancer Month, he came up with a promotion he called "Release the Joy!"
TEQUILA RED: At least it wasn't "Release the Joy, Win a Free Hummer!"
ALL: HA HA HA HA
COWORKER J: Can we get back to work, please? We need to discuss these layouts for the new cheese that helps you poo. I prefer number two.
ALL: HA HA HA HA
TEQUILA RED: I love working with you freaks.

* * * * * *

Vacation time! Josh and the kids and I are heading out of town today for our lake cottage in Michigan. Though it's not shaped like a spaceship, it should still be a good time. Bonfires and county fairs and drive in movies and horseback riding ... it's like I'm taking a vacation in a country western song. See you in 10 days!

No Comment

Dude, Haloscan sucks balls lately.

You Spin Me Right 'Round

The other day I stopped at Nordstrom on my way to the dentist (SHOES!) and when I went through the revolving door there was a lady just ahead of me baaaaaaaarely pushing the door, so I go through and I give it a healthy push, and boy she just popped out the other side like a champagne cork, almost doing a faceplant right into the lobby rug. I think she must have cursed me out pretty good because some people on the escalator turned around and look scandalized but I had my headphones on so I didn't care much. Next time I hope she uses the automatic door where you press the button and it opens for you, nice and slow.

They're Here!

Yay! My block got our blue bins today! Now I'll be recycling like a mofo.

Quarterbastard

Dear Michael Vick,

Jail is too good for you.

Green and Mean

Lately it seems that everyone is going green. People are finally realizing that their actions have an environmental impact beyond the garbage cans in their kitchens. Magazines are doing issues devoted to eco-consciousness. Builders are using renewable resources. Cars are running on alternate fuels. There is a political party, and a concert, and of course a movie. Celebrities are basically french-kissing Mother Earth. Chicago is even getting in on the act, unrolling a brand new recycling program to replace our old, notoriously ineffective one. Environmentalism - once the territory of shining-eyed hippies with names like Butterfly and Echo - is now mainstream enough to be considered a bona fide trend. Green is officially IN.

Unless you're a behemoth company looking to pour a bunch of toxic shit into our drinking water, that is.

BP gets break on dumping in lake

The massive BP oil refinery in Whiting, Ind., is planning to dump significantly more ammonia and industrial sludge into Lake Michigan, running counter to years of efforts to clean up the Great Lakes.

Indiana regulators exempted BP from state environmental laws to clear the way for a $3.8 billion expansion that will allow the company to refine heavier Canadian crude oil. They justified the move in part by noting the project will create 80 new jobs.

Under BP's new state water permit, the refinery -- already one of the largest polluters along the Great Lakes -- can release 54 percent more ammonia and 35 percent more sludge into Lake Michigan each day. Ammonia promotes algae blooms that can kill fish, while sludge is full of concentrated heavy metals.

The refinery will still meet federal water pollution guidelines. But federal and state officials acknowledge this marks the first time in years that a company has been allowed to dump more toxic waste into Lake Michigan.

BP's new Pollute Some Shit Permit allows them to toss 1,584 pounds of ammonia and 4,925 pounds of sludge into the lake every day. EVERY DAY. Damn, I drink that water, assholes!

If you're wondering who's going to do something about it, who's going to put a stop to that, the answer is nobody. BP's final permit was issued on June 21; the 18-day appeal period ended Monday. Aside from sending eviscerating emails to BP's customer service, the only thing to do is not purchase their product. Walk, or ride your bike. Take public transportation. But if you have to fill up your tank, please drive past the BP and Amoco stations.

It's the green thing to do.

Checklist

Brother - moved into new house
Niece - adorable
Nephew-to-be - probably not going to be named "Bowie"
Closet - full of new clothes I can't afford
Blueberries - picked
Left arm - tan
Sister - alive
Teeth - cleaned & polished
Vacation - starting Friday

Things I Want
A new suit
A song written about me
All five numbers plus the Powerball

More Like "Overtly Hostile"

TEQUILA RED: I have to go to the pharmacy tomorrow.
CONCERT JOSH: So do I.
TEQUILA RED: I bet my prescription is more important than yours.
CONCERT JOSH: Mine is allergy medicine.
TEQUILA RED: Mine is birth control.
CONCERT JOSH: So?
TEQUILA RED: So if you don't take your pills, what happens?
CONCERT JOSH: I get stuffed up and cranky.
TEQUILA RED: And if I don't take my pills, what happens?
CONCERT JOSH: [SMIRKS] You get stuffed up and cranky.
TEQUILA RED: Cranky doesn't even begin to cover it, pal.

Wuss

Last night I screamed like a woman while we were watching a scary movie ... preview. Poor Josh was totally not expecting it and almost fell off the couch. Apparently ghosts in the library stacks scare the hell out of me.

Not So Sassy

Yes, it's true. Jane magazine is dead.

Though Jane and I have had our share of differences in the past, I wish her nothing but the best in her next publishing endeavor.

You Can Say That Again

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.
      -Victor Frankl

The most successful people are those who are good at plan B.
      - James Yorke

Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine.
      -Robert C. Gallagher

Bombs Away

Things It Is Good to Know About Your Boyfriend
In a water balloon fight, he will not hesitate to aim for the head of a ten year old girl.




Movie Review: Ratatouille
Cute movie, pretty funny, dragged in the middle a bit. I had to yell at some lady sitting in front of us to stop it with the damn text messaging. Why do people think that is A-OK in a movie theater? Because it's not a full blown conversation? Well I didn't pay $25 to hear your keypad bleep-bleep-blooping away while you make plans to powerwalk tomorrow morning with Judy from next door. SHUT. IT. Grade: B

Better Than: Cars
Not As Good As: Finding Nemo

Shameless Plug
FACT: I am retarded with self tanner. I've tried them all, and I always think I do an okay job at the time. But then I inevitably wake up the next day to a disaster, and I have to wear pants for a week and loofah in the shower like a madwoman. Which is why I loves me some Sally Hansen Airbrush Legs. Yes, it's basically makeup for your legs. And yes, it's kind of messy and sometimes rubs off on your clothes and only lasts a day or two. But it makes my legs look FANTASTIC.


thanks, Sally!

Pot, Meet Kettle
After giving Dylan a long lecture on responsibility last night, I completely forgot that he had to be at summer camp two hours early this morning for their trip to Great America. SHIT SHIT SHIT. Needless to say, he missed that bus. I was fully prepared to leave work, pick him up, drive to Gurnee and pay for us both to get in so he could find his group and spend the last 6 hours of the day with them but THANK GOD his best friend beeped in on the call to say that he didn't go either, and maybe they could hang out at his house today or something.

I think it's safe to assume that I'll be making an unplanned trip to Great America in the very near future.

Lunch Hour Brush With Fame

CELEBRITY NEWSFLASH: Maggie Gyllenhaal Has the Freaking Cutest Baby Ever

And her husband ain't half bad either.

The Tinseltown trio was spotted strolling the streets of Chicago, looking pleasantly touristy as they window-shopped the mad expensive kiddie chairs at Lignet Roset. Mags - who's in town shooting The Dark Knight - was positively adorable in loose Princess Leia buns, and little Ramona is a just a sugarplum. In fact, I didn't even notice Mom & Dad at first because I was too busy making googly eyes at Jr. "Oh my god, look at how cute that baby is," I said, elbowing my friend. "Uh, look who her parents are, dumbass!" she hissed back.



I was torn between stalking the Gyllenhaal-Sarsgaards and going to the baank. New celebrity best girlfriend? Or deposit freelance checks to cover rent?

Eh, rent.

Dear Jeeb,

Please pay me more so I may properly stalk celebrities when the opportunity presents itself. Also, would it kill you to turn down the AC? You could cut ice on these nips.

Best regards,
Tequila Red

* * * * *
4 Obnoxious People Totally Annoying Me Right Now

1. My New Train Stalker
Almost every morning, we end up in the same L car. He resembles my hipster ex-boyfriend, sort of ugly-sexy and a little dirty. His hair is too long and his pants are too tight. And he has a way of looking at me that makes me deeply uncomfortable. Namely, all the time. Did I mention that he's married? How charming. This morning he wouldn't stop staring at me so I did what any lady would do. I picked my nose.

I shouldn't have a problem with him tomorrow.

2. Mitt Romney, for being a heartless prick.

3. Stupid People With Their Stupid iPhones
No, I don't want to see it. No, I don't care how cool it is. Unless it's made of diamonds and fairy dust, it wasn't worth it. I hope you drop it so I can kick it under a bus.

4. Everyone on Top Chef.
Especially you, Padma.

* * * * *
10-Hut!
Happy Birthday, Livvy-Lou.