Discovery Center - Fall Session!

Chicago's Lifelong Learning Center has a new fall catalogue just brimming with super-helpful classes that will Change! Your! Life!

If you're looking for a place to start, here are my Top Ten:

1. Balloon Art 101
I could do a lot of things with a four foot long piece of rubber, but making a wiener dog is not one of them. Look how useful those skills would be: "Try the art of decorating with balloons - for parties, weddings, holidays and more!" $39
ALTERNATE CHOICE: Face-Painting For Funerals

2. Let's Go Canoeing!
"Summer and fall are perfect times for sharing paddling pleasures with a friend." In my world, any time is the perfect time for sharing paddling pleasures. $49.95
ALTERNATE CHOICES: Badminton For Bad Girls; Tennis For Tramps; Horseback Riding

3. Beginning Swimming
Probably wise to take this class before suprising a friend with Paddling Pleasures. The description is nothing if not thorough: "It falls from the sky and it comes out of the ground. Two thirds of your body is made of it. It keeps your skin from wrinkling and flowers from wilting. You wash with it, drink it and cook with it. Kids love to play in it, wars have been fought over it. Three quarters of the earth is covered with it. Some believe it cleanses the soul & purifies the mind. What is it? It's WATER!" $45
ALTERNATE CHOICE: Breathing 101: Hey, Oxygen Is Awesome!

4. "Secret Chicago" Tour
"Each tour is different and may provide the chance to dabble with pagans and magicians, dally with fetishists and get friendly with the non-conformists who never make it into the regular tourguides." By non-conformists, they mean muggers.
ALTERNATE CHOICES: Dark Alleys Just For Fun; Trouble, How To Find; Defense Against A Weapon

5. Contemporary Latin Dances
"Contemporary Latin dances are the "in" dances of the 90's." $75
ALTERNATE CHOICES: Macarena, The Hot New Trend; How To Electric Slide; A Calendar

6. Make Money as a Film Extra
Step 1. Hang out with me and Sugar and Concert Josh. Step 2. Sit around all day drinking Red Bull. Step 3. "Go nuts" on command. Step 4. Wait for your paycheck. You just saved $39!
ALTERNATE CHOICES: Make Money By Blogging On Company Time; Calling In Sick For Profit

7. Individual Income Tax Preparation
$150, for that last minute trip to H&R Block.
ALTERNATE CHOICES: White Collar Prison; Fleeing The Country

8. Proofreading
I found 4 errors in the description of this class. A $75 waste.
ALTERNATE CHOICES: Tara Reid Teaches Moderation; Fergie's Fashion Tips; Stop Pointing The Finger Of Blame, by the Republican Party

9. Practical Spanish
"Take this class if you're planning a trip to a Spanish-speaking country, live in a Latino neighborhood or eat out in Mexican restaurants." Like Chipotle? $79
ALTERNATE CHOICES: Order Chinese Like A Champ; Pizza Hut Italian; Arabic For Taxicabs

10. Internet Basics
"You know what a fire engine is, now register for this course and find out what a search engine is." You know what a key is, now find out what a keyboard does! You know what a log is, now find out what a blog is! You know what a boot is, now find out how to reboot! Like peapods? You'll love iPods! I could do this all day! $110
ALTERNATE CHOICES: Computers: Small Boxes Of Magic; Mastering The Tricky "On/Off" Button; Googling Your Ex-Boyfriends For A Sense of Smug Superiority (Advanced)
* * * * * *
My boss just took me for a very fancy lunch at the Peninsula Hotel, to pay off a bet. We had a minor brush with Clist celebrity when Jenny McCarthy walked by our table, stopped, looked at me, walked to the door, stopped, looked back at me again, and then was finally ushered out by a bodyguard.

She totally wants me.