Now accepting applications for the position of BEST FRIEND.
Join the Tequila Red Inner Circle for boozing, theme parties, and platonic debauchery throughout the Chicagoland area! Primary BEST FRIEND responsibilities include expressing sympathy at the state of my lovelife, picking me up when I call from jail, and telling me I'm pretty. Basic Wingman Skills required. Must be able to mix drinks, talk smack, and cockblock annoying Chads at the bar. Latin American a plus.
Tequila Red offers a generous Friends w/o Benefits Package that includes instant social prestige, annual birthday cards, frequent blog appearances, and unfettered access to my CD collection. Think you have what it takes to be my BEST FRIEND? Apply in person, or send two (2) recent photos and an ex-girlfriend character reference to firstname.lastname@example.org today!
E.O.E. & B.Y.O.B.
Please Note: Dipshits, cowards, and dudes with crazy girlfriends who pretend to like me but actually hate me out of some misguided sense of jealousy to the point where they refuse to attend social events if I'm there and demand you "have a talk" with me because I had the audacity to ask you for a small favor, thereby effectively putting the kibosh on EIGHT YEARS OF FRIENDSHIP, will not be considered.