I ♥ TY

Screw you, Kevin White. Way to give a brother a chance. What, three seasons and you're out? That's short-sighted and just plain stupid. The first couple of seasons Ty was working with Bob Davies' left-overs. His own recruits are just starting to come up, and they show promise. But no, you can't wait. You and those asshole alumi need somebody who can win RIGHT NOW. I'm disappointed too but you have to give the man a fair chance to build his team, you retards. God.

Mike Celizic of MSNBC says what I'm thinking:

This is not a good day for the University of Notre Dame.

It doesn't matter how happy Irish football fans were when the news spread like a prairie fire across the Internet that Ty Willingham had been fired. Their university, the one that held itself up as the place that did things the right way, has for the first time in its history failed to honor a contract.

The university that refused to fire the abomination that was Gerry Faust and that allowed the earnest and ineffective Bob Davie to plod through his contracted term, is now like everyone else. Its word to a coach once was as good as the gold on the administration building's dome. It's now as good as the coach's record.

Notre Dame once wanted not just to win, but to win in the right way. That philosophy ended Tuesday with the brief announcement on the school's Web site that Willingham's term as coach was ending one year before his contract expired.

From now on, winning is all that counts. The school's alumni and fans aren't likely to object to that. But that doesn't make it right.

Take me with you, Lou.


They have a point.

Going Lowbrow

One of the reasons I've never put a CD player in my car is that I secretly love the crap music on the radio. Like this song. Go ahead and tell me it sucks, I'm too busy singing along to hear you anyway. I like that Usher guy too. Dude is HOTT and his songs are catchy. And I might as well tell you right now that I love that one song where Eminem goes all PeeWee Herman an' shit. The word of the day is "CRAZY," ya bitches! Hey, don't even play like you don't like LL Cool J, mm-kay? Oh, and there's this girl? JoJo Somebody? Yeah, I'm not sure who she is either, but that "Baby It's You" song is pretty tight. (Too bad I can't find it.) I'm aware that the Killers are so in they're out, now that the "adult rock" stations are hip to it. But still. And how about that new Gwen Stefani song, huh? Not too shabby.

Fine. Whatever. You remain unconvinced, that's cool. Why don't you go download this, ya punk - The Mountain Goats, "I Thought About You A Little" - and think about the jackass who didn't want anything to do with you and left town for no good reason and clearly doesn't think about you at all anymore and hopefully will never find your blog and cause you to die a thousand deaths from embarrassment. Or go listen to some live Wilco instead. Just don't let anyone catch you singing along. Dork.

Pickin' and Grinnin'

There's a Hailey family holiday tradition that goes a little something like this: it's not Thanksgiving until someone plays the banjo. Last year it was Uncle Rick playing in Grandma's bathroom. (?). This year it was Uncle Jim playing on his back porch. Clearly we're a big bunch of hillbillies.

Aside from the killer ten hour drive each way, the trip to Missouri was most excellent. I haven't seen that side of the fam in, oh, at least 15 years, so the reunion aspect of it was a warm fuzzy. Everyone called me Kari Jo (yeah, yeah, whatever) and I got to spend a lot of time with TequilaDad, which I think you all know by now that I'm a big ole daddy's girl. (Hi Pops! Love you!) Amazingly, only about ten minutes of that time dealt with the dreaded "what's wrong with you/why don't you have a boyfriend for crying out loud/your standards are too high" line of inquiry. Trust me, Dad, that ain't the problem.


TequilaDad lays the smack down.

One thing I like about the South is the overachieving way they name their towns. We went past Paris and Frankfort, plus Cairo and Hayti, which they pronouce “Kay-row” and “Hay-tie.” Huh. I think I liked Effingham the best though. I'd just love to say I live in Effingham. It would make me laugh every day. Effingham! Ha!

Anyhoo, some of the most interesting places in the South are just plopped right down on the side of the effing highway. Take Boomland. It's this big warehouse-sized truck stop-slash-souvenir shop where they sell some of the craziest shit you've never seen. Like a lifesize, fully groomed and possibly formerly breathing cocker spaniel.

Meet "Lucky"


Behold... the Wall of Trolls


Are they for oddballs or just odd? We will never know.


This is just . . . I don’t know. I mean, wow.

On the Home Front
My baby sister drank her (ahem) FIRST BEER EVER on Saturday night as she turned the big 2-1. I'm sad to say that TequilaMom was on hand for the sloppiness that followed, even pulling off to the side of the road to accomodate an aborted hurl session. Happy B-day Annie Bell! I love you!


Me and the birthday girl in our matching "Chanel" shades.

Memo to Notre Dame: you suck. That is all.

R.I.P., Doggie
Wilbur and Maizy's momma died on Thanksgiving. We don't know what happened to her, she was just dead in the barn when Dad went out to feed her. Poor old Shelby dog. Sniff. She might have been a lousy mother but she was still a good puppy dog. I'm gonna miss that crazy mutt.

Two people who are bigger assholes than me.

Yeah, it's mean, but heh.

RE: Shootout in cheesehead land

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: anon-50079352@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-11-24, 9:36AM CST


I heard a report saying the Asian shooter had on a Bears cap, and the six dead were all sporting Packer’s caps. Go Bears!!!

RE: Wisconsin NRA

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: anon-50079962@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-11-24, 9:41AM CST


How many cheese-heads does it take to secure a deer stand?

Obviously, more than seven.

No NaNoWriMo For Me

I don't have a novel in me this month, but since I'm disappearing for a week (into the deep dark Deliverance depths of southeast Missouri - pls. send a search party if I'm not back next Tuesday) for a week, I thought I'd post a little bad fiction for y'all to make fun of. Hey, just imagine how much I'll be saying "y'all" when I get back!

[Editor's Note: Due to a Massive Amount of Embarrassment, story has been deleted.]

Worst. Movie. Ever.

Sometimes being a parent really sucks. Take for example:



Maybe - maybe - there were two funny lines in this movie. IN THE ENTIRE MOVIE. Two lines! And they were both in the preview! Honestly, riding the el for two hours would have been more entertaining. Especially with that crazy flasher with the elephantitis sitting next to me. Die, SpongeBob. DIE.

The Hunt Club

There's a horrible story in the news today about some lunatic hunter who killed five other hunters in a dispute over a frigging treestand (?). It's an awful, terrible story, to be sure, but this quote from CNN is sort of awesome:

"When you're hunting, you don't expect somebody to try to shoot you and murder you," Wagner said.

Somewhere out there Bambi is sipping a martini and laughing his ass off.

The Adventures of Ad Girl (dun da DUN!)

Just got back from another glamourous business trip to phunky Philadelphia, where my Art Director and I successfully conned a client into shooting one of our TV commercials. Yay, because I reeeeeeally need another TV spot on my reel, but BOO,they failed to choose the Tegan and Sara commercial. Asshats.

It was also bad news for the creative team from the other office. This has always been their client and up til now, they've only been allowed to do crap like FSIs. You know, those coupon sections that come in the Sunday paper? Now that's excitement! But, you know, they brought in their ideas and we brought in ours and people from my company read this blog so of course all the ideas were v. good, ours just hit the right chord. I should probably also leave out the part where I'm not sure this idea is really as big as it needs to be, if it can actually elevate the brand like we promised, or if the finished spot will be as downright killer as I assured the client it's gonna be. Doh.

In other news, last night was a pre-Thanksgiving vegetarian feast at the Tequilapartment. Jenna, Jenna's Platonic Boyfriend, and Tequila Sis Wendi gathered around the Tofurkey for a proper sendoff before the ladies hitch a ride on Orient Express Flight later today. Expecting a call from a Chinese prison early next week.

Sniff. The Meanest Landlord Ever says the dog has gots to go. So on Saturday I bid my little poop machine adieu as he sets off on his new life with friends Kristy and John. They will be good puppy parents, I know, but man do I love that little doggie.

Unfortch, I love my apartment even more.

My priorities suck.

OVERHEARD AT THE AIRPORT
Lady to guy friend, as they walk by: "Last time I was a pallbearer, my ring got stuck in the coffin."

MONDAY MUSICA
The Frames "Star Star" (live)
"Boat" and
"Camera Shy" by the Lucksmiths
Missed Ted Leo and MichiganderSufjan Stevens last night.
Missing Kasey Chambers and Elf Power tonight. I never do anything fun anymore.

Happy Birthday, Tom! Whoever the hell you are!

When I got off the el at the Mart this morning, this was hanging at the bottom of the steps:



That's bloody brilliant. And is it just me or does he look a little like Michael Moore?

My Condi-olences, America

Oh Condoleezza. Why? Why don't you look on the outside like the crusty old white man you are on the inside?



And why oh WHY are you such a sniveling, jingoistic bootlicker? As a feminist, let me just say: thanks but no thanks.

Happy distractions, from me to you.

Too, too busy to post today. Instead...

Why don't you go watch some good furniture porn?

Or, in honor of my lunch, race sushi.

Find out if you're a total drama queen (yeah, as if we don't already know the answer).

Let this guy teach you how to dance.

See what people really think about weird public art.

Read the kind of letter every single girl I know deserves to get after a one night stand.

Learn how to fake being an indie rock critic.

Leave me something fun to look at once I have time to breathe again. Thanks, kittens. Mwah.

You Stole More Than My Heart

Uhhh...I kinda need that Back... - m4w - 27
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: anon-49082418@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-11-15, 3:15PM CST

This really isn't a missed connection seeing that I banged you on Saturday night but I don't know your last name. Jennifer you are a tall hot Blonde from downstate Illinois. You work as a waitress at some bar but I forgot the name. I really wish I could have gotten to know you better, sorry I didn't see you off, I guess thats why....

You fucking stole my TV. What the fuck...that thing is like 15 years old and doesn't even have a remote....

But I kind of need that back. See, It's my girlfriend's and she will be coming back into town tomorrow.

Have a heart.

Still Sorry

If you haven't visited sorryeverybody.com, you need to get on that ASAP. There are people all over the world posting funny and sad and sweet and hopeful messages in the aftermath of our recent travesty/election. Sounds cheesy, I know, but these days I take the warm fuzzies wherever I can get 'em. And now, for your viewing pleasure, I present my contribution to the conversation:


UPDATE! It has been posted. And there's now an international site called Apologies Accepted: the world's answer to Sorry Everybody. Vizzle that shizzle, yo.

Make one of your own! Everyone's doing it!


Caitlin Cary "Sorry"

One last post-election note. If you're feeling blue about that big-ass patch of red in the middle of your country, check out this article passed along by a Tequilaphile. It's a more in-depth look at who voted for whom. You still might not want to stray outside of any major cities, but at least you can get a better idea of where all the assholes are concentrated.


* * * * *
This photo has been talked about to death, I know.

But damn do I love me some Marines. Keep your head down, Lance Cpl. James Miller. We need your fine ass to come home in one piece.

* * * * *
Apropos of nothing:

God, I'm such a bitch.

A poEm By BriTneY SpearS

Wendi & Andrea: we totally should have had her write that toast for us.

Honeymoon Poem
11.10.2004

A honeymoon at last, to get away from it all
My assistant Fe gave me the call.

I remember it well, as she was smilin'
She said it was called Turtle Island.

I packed my bags light and quick,
Then grabbed my pink dress & favorite lipstick.

We hopped on a plane and took our flight
I slept really well, all through the night.

As we arrive, I turn and look out the door,
People are greeting us right at the shore.

A meal, a shower and some ice cream
Then I threw my man down, you know what I mean!

Magical nights filled with stars
Silence is golden, no running cars.

Private dinners, romantic fires
Little piece of heaven, whatever your heart desires.

Friendly "hellos" and never goodbyes
When you're having fun, oh, how time flies!

As we sit and prepare to make our part
I thank you, Turtle Island, with all my heart!

~ Britney

(via stereogum)

Happy Birthday 2 Days Early, Melmar!

On Sunday, my little Mel turns the big 3-0.



Those who aren't lucky enough to score an invite to the birthday extravaganza on Saturday had best be staying home and watching the Mouse on SNL.


the boys of Modest Mouse

"The World At Large"

Hangovers and Deadlines Do Not Mix

Went drinking with a hottie last night. Smoked a pack of cigs, skipped dinner and drank a hundred beers. Currently paying the price. I have two hours to write some exciting headlines about facial tissue. Huzzah!

* * * * *
Surprise! And also, wtf?!

Great-grandmother, 59, to bear twins

SYLVESTER, GEORGIA -- A 59-year-old great-grandmother is pregnant with twins and is expected to deliver next month, three decades after she had her tubes tied."They came untied," Frances Harris said Thursday.

The multiple birth would break the purported record set this week by a 56-year-old New York City mother of twins.

Harris said she didn't realize she was pregnant until she started gaining weight and went to see her doctor. When the doctor broke the news, "They had to sit me down. I couldn't even talk," she said.

Harris--mother of five, grandmother of 14 and great-grandmother of six--had her tubes tied 33 years ago after the birth of her youngest child.

Harris had her first child when she was 15. She was divorced years ago from the twins' father, 60-year-old Raymond Harris, a heavy-equipment operator. She said they will remarry before the birth.

It's official: I'm never having sex again. Ever.

* * * * *
Listen Here:

The Decemberists "Here I Dreamt I Was an Architect"

Mary Lou Lord "Camden Town Rain"

Beck "Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometime"

"Sea Ghost," The Unicorns

Hug a Vet Today

Especially if your name is Dana and you're in the office next door to me. Ahem.

Feeling a bit more optimistic today, even if I did wake up clutching a blanket to my chest that had been freshly peed on by a certain puppy. So I guess you could say I'm a wee bit optimistic. Bad dog!

News from the Office Supplies Department: I have those new accordian-folded Post-it pads and they are the FUNNEST THINGS EVER. Buy them immediately.

Mates of State and Luna are both in town tonight. Stupid empty bank account. Here's "10 Years Later" and "Friendly Advice". And just for the hi-diddly-heck of it, a great tune off the Garden State Soundtrack, "Blue Eyes," by the Cary Brothers.

Peace and hairgrease, y'all.

The Mean Reds

For the past two nights, I've had dreams of driving drunk. They're vivid, terrifying dreams where I crash into things and once even ran someone over. You don't have to be an expert to figure out what they mean. Right now I'm feeling like my life is completely out of control, like when you break a string of beads and they scatter across the floor in every direction, skittering just out of reach. I'm drowning in debt, I yell at my kids too much, things with the new boy don't seem to be panning out, I can't quit smoking, my work is circling the bowl, waiting for a mercy flush. There's this great project on my desk but I can't focus, my head is just so clouded, I'm dropping of exhaustion, both mentally and physically.

And this afternoon I'm signing the settlement papers for my lawsuit. The whole thing has essentially fallen apart, with the city throwing a pittance at me the way a rich man tosses his pocket change to a beggar, not out of kindness but to avoid dealing with him. They aren't sorry, they wouldn't have done anything differently, and as much as it chaps my ass I just have to accept it. The fucking fuckers.

Back to your regularly scheduled frivolity tomorrow, I promise. Meanwhile, we wallow.

Red House Painters • Aimee Mann • The Smashing Pumpkins

Man with Questionable Taste Loses Most Valuable Possession

From Craigslist Missed Connections:

Someone stole my beer pong table that doubles as a tribute to Ashton Kutcher. It was hijacked from the garden patio in front of my condo. I spent over 2 hours and literally tens of dollars putting this thing together, so naturally I am willing to do whatever it takes to have it returned to me safely. I'm sure this is someone's sick idea of a good "pump'd", but all I want is my table back. No questions asked.

"Pump'd"? Doh!

Somebody that I used to know.

The Ferrari is leaving town today. I declined an invitation to his going away party, which was easier than I thought it would be. I guess the only thing left to say is that I wish him well.

"Fond Farewell" Elliott Smith

("Fond" might be pushing it though.)

Friends don't let friends dial drunk. MELINDA.

So, apparently I drunk dialed my boss on Friday night.

I was out with a bunch of past and present co-workers, and several tequila shots into things I must have decided, Hey! Now would be the perfect time to leave my boss a message! He says it was pretty much just loud bar music, crazy laughter, and the slurry words, "Ken, iss Kari. Don' everrr fiyer me, mm-kay? 'Kay? Love yooooo. Bye!"

Damn you, Jose Cuervo. Damn you TO HELL.

Sorry Everybody

We tried..




I'm thinking something like "Americans are boobs," and just guess where it goes.

PS It's 5:20 Friday afternoon and I'm drunk at work. God bless the beer cart!

Back to what's really important.

My wardrobe.

Things I need right now:

- jeans with a killer rear view


- kickin' slouchy boots


- the perfect furry hat

or

but not

Yikes.
* * * * * *
Also important? Good music.
Beastie Boys "Now Get Busy"
Wilco "I'm the Man Who Loves You" (live)
Ani "Both Hands" and "Untouchable Face"
Ryan Adams covers "Wonderwall"

* * * * * *
Is it a bad sign if you've gone out with someone three times and still not kissed them? Maybe the timing just hasn't been right, but I think it's more likely that we're in permanent "you're great... as a friend" territory. How platonic.
* * * * * *
I'm bleeding in about 14 places, thanks to an incredibly vicious cat fight last night. I got the little bastards apart, but not before Fat Ass Dewey shredded my leg right through my jeans. Check Craigslist shortly for the Free Cat to Terrible Home listing.

How to Move On

by our friends at Moveon.org:

In the campaign to defeat George Bush, you have proven that real Americans can have a voice in American politics. In the months and years to come, that revelation will change everything.

Although George Bush won by 3% nationally, we must remember that 55.4 million Americans stood with you and with John Kerry. You are certainly not alone. And a healthy environment, a strong and fair economy, good schools, domestic safety and the end of the war in Iraq are goals we all share -- red states and blue states alike.

Our journey toward a progressive America has always been bigger than George Bush. The current leg is just beginning -- we're still learning how to build a citizen-based politics together. But it's a journey our nation has been on for a long time. As Martin Luther King, Jr. said, "The arc of history is long, but it bends toward justice."

Today, we'll take a breath. Tomorrow, we'll keep moving toward the America we know is possible.

Okay. Now where to start? Money and legwork are always needed. So please, get involved.

I'm scared, Sarge.

WASHINGTON - The Supreme Court, which has not had a vacancy in more than 11 years, is like a dam holding back the floodwaters.

With all but one of the justices older than 65, President George W. Bush is likely to have three or more nominations in the next term that legal scholars say could easily change the court's stance on abortion, affirmative action, gay rights, the role of religion in public life and many other issues.

The first opportunity could come within days or weeks, as some insiders expect Chief Justice William H. Rehnquist, 80, to resign soon as it becomes increasingly clear he is unable to continue to function in his judicial or his administrative capacities because of an apparently severe form of thyroid cancer and debilitating treatment.

Since Rehnquist is an archconservative and abortion foe, his replacement with another conservative would have a huge impact in only a few areas.

But an eventual resignation by Justices John Paul Stevens, 84, or Sandra Day O'Connor, 74, could dramatically alter the court's stance on a number of 5-4 cases, like last year's decision upholding some forms of affirmative action. If both of them go, or one is joined by one of the others in the liberal or moderate conservative bloc, then there could be a revolution in the court's jurisprudence, legal scholars say....

"There is very little settled law if you give Bush the chance to replace O'Connor and/or Stevens," said Stephen Wermiel, an American University law professor. "Abortions, affirmative action, gay rights, role of religion in our public life, all of these are things the court has been evenly divided and are in play. There is no question Thomas and Scalia would vote to overrule any precedent I just named."

The rest of the article goes on to say that moderate Republicans would support Dems attempts to block extremely conservative judges, so there's at least that. However, my civil liberties remain skeptical.

The bright spot in my week:


Hey, Ohioans! Get your NEW Commemorative Election license plates today!

SAMPLE PLATE shown above.
Don't forget to personalize yours! Suggested: "DRAFTME", "DONTREAD", "WEDOOMU", "SEENOEVL", "JOBLESS", "FEARFAGS", "4MOREWARS", etc!!

(courtesy of someone fabulous on NYCL)

I love this lady:

CALIFORNIA STATE UNIVERSITY - When a woman wearing a Kerry/Edwards shirt was told she could not vote at the polls while wearing affiliated clothing she became upset. Ramsey said several people offered to lend her a coat and calm her down, but the women refused. Instead, she yanked off her shirt and went inside to vote. Witnesses told Ramsey that, luckily, the woman was wearing a bra.

Outstanding.

I guess Bush isn't the dumbest person in America after all

"The people have spoken - the bastards."

UPDATE! America's borders have been revised to reflect post-election sentiments.

Do it.

"V.O.T.E." Chris Stamey with Yo La Tengo via the very cool mp3 blog fingertips.

The Wisdom of Youth

While trick-or-treating with the under 10 set on Sunday, I got a brief but powerful reminder that, yes, my children do occasionally listen to me.

I was waiting on the sidewalk while they climbed the steps to a neighbor's house. At the door, they made a U-turn and booked it back down without ringing the bell. "What's up?" I said. "They out of candy?"

"Nah," said Dylan. "But we don't want any candy from them." He pointed to a sticker in the window.

Bush Cheney '04.

Yeah, that's my boy.

Aaaaand ... three more new roommates.

Because apparently my house is now a zoo, or possibly an ark.

Wendi and her Wicked Annoying Cats (WAC) moved in on Saturday, God love em. We're sequestering the WAC in my bedroom until things settle down and we're sure no animals will be eating any other animals, especially those of the puppy persuasion. But The World's Evilest Cat Dewey remains firmly outside my bedroom door, hoping someone will fuck up and open the door wide enough for him to sneak in and take care of some bidness.

Wendi will be staying for an extended two-week slumber party, which, yay! The WAC are here through November, which, eh. Dec 1 may see those suckas at the animal shelter. MWAH HA HA HA.

You think I'm kidding.

So what with moving and kids and Halloween and non-housebroken puppies and an upcoming work trip to Philly and not hearing from the cute boy since Friday and my mom being sick and possibly needing someone to come home and play nurse ... well, it's quite likely that I'm the biggest bitch on the planet today. Too bad for the kids, who caught the brunt of it this morning when they were trying to wear shorts to school and losing their umbrellas and generally just being kidlike. Damn. Now, normally I would buy their forgiveness with candy, but you can see why that won't work today. I think instead I'll put their pictures up here and tell them they're famous.


Dylan and Crazy Maizy before she went to her new home last night. Sniff.

Vampire Livvy holding our baby Wilbur.

and also, tricks and treats, mom-style

At work, I'm doing a 90 second video for a client and the only audio is this song. Nice enough song, right? Listen to it 87 times a day for a week and then get back to me. Here, something to cleanse the aural palate.
The Best Sleater Kinney Song Evs
Hot Hot Heat
Eels "I Need Some Sleep" And that's no lie, folks.