A Guide to Family Movie Night

When you're poor, a fun thing to do is rent movies from the library. Library movies are free, and free is fabulous. But since the library doesn't have a huge movie-buying budget, almost all of their movies are on VHS, and most of them are from the 80's. That's okay though, because there's something wonderfully nostalgic about sharing movies from your childhood with your own children.

Or there would be, if those little brats didn't hate them so much. I pull out a tape and they wonder what they're being punished for. There is some whining and eye-rolling and muttering about "Blockbuster" and "cheapskates." I tell you, those kids wouldn't know quality entertainment if you duct-taped them to the couch, propped open their eyelids with toothpicks and forced them at knifepoint to watch it. Which I never have. (Hi, DCFS! Love ya!)

80's Movies I Love But My Kids Do Not

Dirty Dancing

I Say: A classic! Baby's relationship with her dad is touching and real; Patrick Swayze is saucy. Infinitely quotable.
My Kids Say: They dance funny.
They'd Rather Watch: Some crap with Hillary Duff, or Finding Nemo

Willow

I Say: Action! Adventure! Val Kilmer when he was still hot!
My Kids Say: If I wanted midgets I'd watch The Wizard of Oz.
They'd Rather Watch: Paint dry

Ferris Bueller's Day Off

I Say: The best day of hooky in film history.
My Kids Say: Hey, look, it's Chicago! Can we go to bed now?
They'd Rather Watch: Malcolm in the Middle

The Gods Must Be Crazy

I Say: A hilarious yet scathing commentary on society's disregard for natural resources and indigenous cultures.
They Say: Whuh?
They'd Rather Watch: Survivor

Uncle Buck

I Say: John Candy = pure comic genius
They Say: Is that the fat guy from Tommy Boy?
They'd Rather Watch: Anything with Adam Sandler

Legend

I Say: Young Tom Cruise! In a loincloth! Plus, unicorns.
They Say: OH MY GOD THAT DEVIL IS THE SCARIEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN PLEASE MAKE IT GO AWAY
They'd Rather Watch: Jerry Maguire


Sissies.

The Money Pit

I Say: One of my all time favorites. Every scene is hysterical.
They Say: Oh boy, two people fixing up a house. How thrilling. Not.
They'd Rather Watch: Extreme Home Makeover with Ty Pennington

Hello Again

I Say: Mana turee calla bee santee! Lucy! Gooooooldo, win ja!
They Say: Jesus, Mom, is this woman in every movie ever made?
They'd Rather Watch: Dawn of the Dead

Ernest Goes to Camp

I Say: Wow. This movie was a lot better when I was a kid.
They Say: This is the most retarded movie ever.
I Say: Seriously, I can't believe we used to love it so much.
They Say: Maybe you were retarded.
I Say: Shut up and help me find the remote.

[NOTE: Movies that successfully cross the generation gap include Ghost, Ghostbusters, Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, Big, The Goonies, Back to the Future, Splash, Indiana Jones, The Princess Bride, and Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. Shut up. That movie is GREAT.]

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Buy Me!
I need the 100 pack of these stickers, pronto. My neighbors must be taught a lesson.
(link via Gapers Block)

The Big Smoke Out Continues
Good: 9+ days without a cigarette
Bad: Still no sports car

Pop Quiz

Which of these is NOT an acceptable thing to say to a stranger on the street:
     a) "Good morning."
     b) "How are you?"
     c) "Nice weather we're having."
     d) "If I had a knife right now, I'd stab you in the heart with it. Don't think I wouldn't. I'd stab my own mother; thank god SHE'S dead. I hate women! I'm the son of BTK! I hate you! I'd stab you! Stab! You got a nice ass though."

If you guessed A, B, or C, then clearly you do not live in my Neighborhood of Crazy.

Man, are you lucky.

Tuesday Shopping List
Bread
Lunchmeat
Milk
Pepper spray
Taser
Smith & Wesson

Why I Love My Job

Someone actually thought it would be a good idea to put me in charge of creating a baby registry catalog.

For the biggest retailer in the world.

These people have no idea what they've just done.

2 Pictures Tell A Story

At the wedding:


The night before:


Yep. Vegas was fun.

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Happy Birthday AmySuz.

My New Favorite Shirt

I made it myself. I want to sell them and make a million dollars but CafePress keeps sending me emails about "rights infringements" and "self-fulfilling prophecies." Weenies.

7 Things To Do In Vegas

1. Get Married
Invite 100 of your closest family and friends. Take them out and get them utterly hammered the night before the wedding. At the ceremony, accidentally knock over the unity candle and drop it - lit - between the altar and the wall. Dance a lot. Toss the bouquet AWAY from me. Lose patience with post-reception indecisiveness and pitch small, tasteful fit. Party til you pass out.

TIP: Everyone's hotter in Vegas. Even if you're a 3 or 4 in the regular world you can be a 10 in Vegas! Just slip on something dressy, don some shades, and ingest copious amounts of alcohol. Boom! You're the foxiest person you know!


Exhibits A & B, looking fine

2. Sweat
105 is a lot of degrees. To beat the heat, spend entire days of your vacation without stepping foot outdoors. Go see a movie. It's a good movie so you are not a loser for doing this, no matter what your friends say.

3. Drink
Stick $20 in a slot at the bar and that "free" Coors Light only ends up costing $21 after tip. Also, if you do a shot of Jager and then run to the bathroom to puke, immediately return to the bar and order another drink. This is known as managing your liquor. (NOTE: wasn't me)

4. Help Drunk People
Concert Josh & I are sitting on a bench in front of the Boardwalk. The drunkest dude in the world stumbles up and hands me his cell phone.
DRUNKARD: Can you tell my friends how to get here? I am so wasted and none of them are here yet!
ME: Um, okay. Hello?
GIRL ON PHONE: Hi.
ME: So ... where are you?
GIRL ON PHONE: California.
ME: Sorry, can't help you.
GIRL ON PHONE: Whatever. We're not even going to Vegas.

TIP: Nothing ever really closes in LV. So even if the bar or club you want to go to looks closed, and even if the bouncers try to shoo your drunk ass away, try to talk them into letting you go inside anyway. CONVINCING ARGUMENT: "But are you suuuuuure you're closed? You can't be CLOSED, this is VEGAS!" Then hiccup, take off one shoe, and promptly poke yourself in the eye with it.

4. Chit Chat
The minute you leave town, every single person you know will call just to say hi. Go ahead and take those calls, even if you don't have Nationwide Long Distance. "Roam" is just another way to spell "Roma," which is another name for Rome, which is in Italy, which is an excellent country. Plus, you won't see that bill for at least another month.

5. Get a Nickname
I wish Josh's friends would have come up with something else though.

No girl wants to be referred to as the Big Red Dog, dummies.

TIP: All women in Vegas are hookers. Everyone knows that prostitution is legal in Nevada. So it goes to follow that all women in Nevada are prostitutes. When you are in the casino, bar, club, or just out on the street in full daylight, always be ready with a "Hey baby, how much?" Any woman who looks offended or tries to kick you in the groinal area is clearly on her break. Try again later. EXTRA CREDIT: Ask a pair of less attractive girls if there is a 2-for-1 special today. BONUS POINTS: Do this in front of your girlfriend.

6. Math
$15 cab ride to Stratosphere + (2 x $10 tower entrance fee) + (2 x $8 Big Shot tickets) + $20 cab ride back to hotel ÷ 16 second ride = $4.36 per second of puke-inducing semi-fun
BUDGET VERSION: Cannonball into swimming pool. CLASSY BUDGET VERSION: Cannonball into Bellagio fountain.

TIP: Hotel rooms in Vegas are soundproof. So feel free to engage in your favorite closed-door activities knowing no one can hear. And when you come out of the room and see the maid standing there with a big grin, it's probably just because she's a very friendly person. EXTRA CREDIT: When she asks if she can clean the room now, holler out a jaunty "Yep! We're done!" as you stroll away. OPTION B: Hang your head and burn with shame.

7. Quit Smoking
Step 1. Smoke your ass off.
Step 2. Lose/drink all your money.
Step 3. Give away any remaining cigarettes when you get home.
Step 4. Hate everything for several days.
Repeat Step 4 as necessary.

Photos coming soon. Congratulations Paul & Mel!

Paulindapalooza '06

Back with all the dirty details next week.

My Dad's New Baby

300 horseys under the hood: one of nature's many rewards when you quit smoking

Mom and Wendi have also given up the cancersticks and are currently waiting for their shiny new sportscars to arrive. I will quit when they start handing out these.

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The Weekend: Let's Break It Down

"I hate you."
- The first thing my sister-in-law said to me at her baby shower

0
- Number of teddy bears kissed

0
- Number of husbands dressed like babies

"Noxema!"
"Dust ruffle!"
"Menopause!"
- a few of the more disturbing answers Concert Josh got correct in the Boys Vs Girls trivia game played at a barbecue on Saturday night

"Um, your boyfriend is kind of girly."
- barbecue guest

"Shut your stupid assface."
- Tequila Red to barbecue guest

"There's too much swearing."
- TequilaDad on the recent state of this blog

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My Job ______
And the winner of our little contest is...
Jerry, for the slightly homoerotic reference to a guy dressed as an ostrich. Way to go that extra mile, Jer! I'm so proud. Enjoy your slightly expired $5 gift card to a crappy shoe store!

Happy Anniversary To Me

Five years. That's how long I've been working here at the Jeeb. I know you can't hear it, but inside my head there's screaming.

To mark your 5th anniversary, the Jeeb traditionally gives employees a little gift, as a special "thanks" for all those years of hard work and loyalty. I think you'll be as touched as I was by how much thought and effort they put into it.



While I really, truly appreciate the gesture - and the hundred bucks - would it have killed somebody TO AT LEAST WRITE MY DAMN NAME ON THE CARD?

Fill In The Blanks
Let's play a fun game!

My job is _____________.
I absolutely _____________ it.
It's a good thing I don't have a ___________.
I wish I were ____________.

Best answer gets a $5 gift card to Famous Footwear!

Today Sucked

Probably none of you care, but I've had a shitty fucking day over here. The only bright spot in my shitty fucking day was when a couple of my co-workers told me they thought I'd make excellent money as a hooker (note to self: side business?). And is my shitty fucking day over yet? Nooooooooo! I still have LOADS of shitty fucking work to do! But I'm choosing to put that off to talk to you. Because I love you. If you pay me, I might even have sex with you.

Yes, this has been one shitty fucking day. But it also happens to be my friend Crystal's birthday. She's 25, that bitch. And she's super hot. And her boobs are like 12 times bigger than mine. Shitty fuck! But I love her anyway, so instead of going home and crying into my couch, I'm gonna change into something silky and braless and go to the club. Then I'm going to drink as much as other people will buy me.

According to my co-workers, that should be a lot.

Tomorrow's Forecast

Hungover
with a 70% chance of rage

Working It

Did you guys know that Moms make great employees? Me neither, but it says so right here in today's Chicago Tribune. My favorite part:

Along with being hard-working and disciplined, "moms usually don't stay out late drinking or spend time listening to their iPods or take cigarette breaks," says Tom Gimbel, CEO of The LaSalle Network, a Chicago staffing firm that readily offers its clients mothers as highly qualified candidates because of their reliability.

"Usually" being the key word.


Employee of the Year

Baby Mania

This weekend we're throwing a baby shower for my sister-in-law, and I'm in charge of games. Clearly a lapse of judgement on someone's part.

Shower games are right between "get mauled by vicious dog" and "eat own vomit" on the list of Fun Things I Like To Do. No one enjoys them really, least of all the mother-to-be, and the prizes are universally lame. But you cannot have a baby shower without GAMES. I think that's in the Bible.

The following are all real baby shower games I found on the Internet. Please feel free to vote for the ones you'd like us to play on Sunday.

1. Mommy's Waistline
"A shower classic! Get a roll of ribbon or toilet paper. Have Mommy-to-be stand in the middle of the room.  Approach each guest and have them estimate the circumference of Mommy's waist. The guest will tear or cut the length. Measure Mommy's waist and compare to each cutting. The closest wins!"
Also Known As:
Boy, You're Fat!
Let Me Paw Your Big Fat Stomach
What Do You Have In There Anyway, A Horse?
Popular With: touchy-feely old ladies, anorexic chicks
Fun Rating:

2. Teddy Bear Rotation
"Find a stuffed animal in your house such as a teddy bear. Pass the teddy bear around the room and ask everyone to kiss it. Don't tell them why yet. Starting with the first person you gave the teddy bear to, each person has to kiss the Mom-to-be in the same place that they kissed the teddy bear. This can be a great ice-breaker and a good way for the Mom-to-be to get to know all the guests."
Also Known As:
How She Got In This Situation To Begin With
Are You Pregnant Or Just Happy To See Me?
Let's All Share Germs
Popular With: sluts
Fun Rating:

3. Dress the Baby
"This was a great game for a coed party. Each of the women who were invited were told ahead of time to bring a diaper bag with an outfit to dress 'their baby'. As the couples arrived each was escorted to a private bedroom where the wives dressed their husbands as 'their babies'. All 8 couples cooperated and it was a hoot! Prizes were given for cutest, most authentic looking, humorous, and ugliest baby. All the husbands were great sports! In fact mine even went home dressed in his diaper!"
Also Known As:
We're In Therapy
All Our Friends Are In Therapy
My First Fetish
Oedipus Who?
Popular With: weird women, mama's boys
Fun Rating:

4. Empty That Bottle!
"This is game is really more fun to watch when its just for the guys, for those of you having a shower where everyone is invited!  Fill as many 4 oz. (or smaller) baby bottles as you will need with water or juice (something they won't mind drinking), one for each male at the shower...fill the bottles equally so its fair for all!  Time the guys with a stopwatch (or watch with a second hand) to see who can 'empty that bottle' the fastest!  This game is really fun! Its a hoot watching grown men suck from a baby bottle!  Make sure you have a 'manly' prize for the winner!"
Also Known As:
Kiss Your Manhood Goodbye, Sucker
Popular With: the completely immasculated
Fun Rating:

5. Yum Yum Diaper Race
"Before party starts, place one small scoop of Rocky Road ice cream in diaper and close diaper neatly. (One per guest.) When it is time to play this game, have all the guests sit around a table facing each other. When guests are ready, come out with tray filled with cute little diapers. Tell guests that they cannot touch diapers until host signals. Place cute diaper in front of each guest. When each guest has the diaper ask every one at the same time to open their diaper. Then they all immediately must place their hands behind their backs and on the count of 3, whoever eats all the ice cream first must stand up and raise their hand. That is the winner!" 
Also Known As:
The Grossest Thing You Will Ever Do
Popular With: Anyone not present
Fun Rating: 0

6. Feel Up
"Two guests stand in the middle of the room facing each other. The hostess or a designated person then blindfolds each player. The hostess then strategically places 5 clothespin on each player. The players then must 'feel Up' the other player to find the clothespins. Whomever gets the most clothespins in the designated time (usually 1 minute) is the WINNER!"
Also Known As:
Kudos To Your Plastic Surgeon!
No, Those Aren't Buttons
Aunt Sally Just Touched Me Wrong
Popular With: perverts
Fun Rating:

7. Pin the Baby in the Mommy
"Make or find a big picture of a pregnant woman and another picture of a baby. The game is played just like Pin the Tale on the Donkey. The only difference is you pin the baby in the mommy. It's cute and everyone at the baby shower I threw really enjoyed it."
Also Known As:
So This Is What An Abortion Looks Like
Popular With: Gynos, NARAL
Fun Rating:

Nicole, this shower is going to be a hoot! A HOOT, I tell you!

The 4th Sign of the Apocalypse

Dukes of Hazzard Tops Box Office With $30.6 Million
Apparently America really IS that dumb

MISCELLANEOUS NEWS OF VARYING IMPORTANCE

TequilaDad Quits Smoking For First Time In 40 Years
From great beyond, Peter Jennings offers high fives

Space Heater Under Desk Left On All Weekend
Office STILL refuses to burn down

The Jeeb Hires Two Really Hot Dudes
Nice timing, assholes

No Sex, No Coffee This AM
Monday sucking worse than usual

Redhead Forgets About Photo Shoot For Company Bios
Thanks God for airbrushing, Photoshop

Before


After

Boyfriend-Girlfriend

My friend called the other day to see if I wanted to have a drink after work. "I'd love to but I can't," I told her. "I have to pick my boyfriend up from the airport."

She waited for the punchline.

"No, really," I said. "BOYFRIEND."

Cricket, cricket.

"I don't get it," she said.

My friends know me pretty well. Most of them have known me for a long time. But never have they known me to use the word Boyfriend without the accompanying smirk or eyeroll. Even with the Evil Ex there was a certain irony in the B-word since 1) he performed little to no boyfriendly duties, and 2) he spent a considerable amount of time putting his dick into other people. But I still tossed around Boyfriend willy-nilly over the years, using it to describe any and every guy I dated, wanted to date, slept with, wanted to sleep with, smiled at, talked to, made out with, saw in a movie, stood close to or looked at twice. "Boyfriend" was merely another word for "boy." Any boy. Many boys.

I'm not doing much better with the "Girlfriend" side of things either, to be frank. The very word makes my palms sweat and my feet itch and in my head it's always followed by that needle-across-the-record sound. Rrrrrrrp! Whenever Concert Josh says "my girlfriend," I have to stifle the urge to turn around and see who the hell he's talking about. Girlfriend? Where?

And yet here we are. Me and my boyfriend. Keeping toothbrushes in each other's medicine cabinets and mailing in wedding reply cards marked "2" and offering rides home from the airport. It's weird and alien and a bit Growned Up for my peter pan side, but it also makes me strangely happy. He makes me happy.

Hey, I don't get it either.

3 Signs of the Apocalypse






Tequila Red with Boyfriend

Rin Tin Tin Tin Tin

Can someone please explain to me why we're wasting time cloning dogs when there are so few Jake Gyllenhaals in the world? Come on, scientists, use your heads.


ROWR⁹

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In other important news, I climbed Mt. Fuji and Melmar is FINALLY back!