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* * * * * *
Success...?
Hm. For the second week in a row the world's most non-helpful sex columnist has been conspicuously absent from the RedEye. Am currently waiting for my Come To The Darkside phone call. Stay tuned.

Midnight In the Garden of Wrigley

Where were you at 12:00 this morning? Dylan and I were here:


A three hour rain delay pushed the start of last night's Cubs game back to almost 10 PM, and I was so sure it would be cancelled that we were still at home when they threw out the first pitch. It was a mad dash to the park after that, but we got there just in time for this. I have to say, it was pretty bitchin. You can see that Dylan was impressed.


The lady behind him: "Whatever. Bring back Clement!"

The ebullient and verbose Maddux spoke at length after the game about his momentous 3,000th strike out, saying "It was cool. Not a lot of guys have done it." Then he elaborated with, "Boy it's late. See ya."


Mad Mad, you so crazy

The stupid Giants scored the winning run in the 11th inning, finally ending the late-nighter at 1:16 AM CST, approximately 34 minutes after I fell asleep in my nachos.

* * * * * *
Charges Dropped, Eyebrows Raised
Girls sit around, look pretty until judge throws out bogus tickets

JUDGE: Okay, we'll do these cases first since they're all nonsuits.
CRYSTAL: Did he just say "nonsense"?
TEQUILA RED: Wow, this really is like on TV!

Nonsuit
Judgment against the Plaintiff when he is unable to prove a case or when he neglects to proceed to trial or when he wears pants and a jacket that do not even come close to matching.
See also: Fashion Police

Disorder in the Court

Tomorrow at 9 AM, several members of the ill-fated Party in the Park will gather in a downtown Chicago courtroom to fight the unjust tickets we received for swilling a sixer of Old Style on hallowed Park District Property. Our main defense will be pointing out that there was a freakin' BEER STAND fifty feet from where we were sitting. Right there on little ole park district property. Imagine!

In the opinions of several local police officers, that should be enough to get out of the ticket. I know because every time I see a cop I ask. But it couldn't hurt to go in with a few good backup defenses. Like:

- Peer pressure; I do whatever Berek tells me to
- Brown paper bags actually held lunch, not beer
- Only pretending to sip from can to look cool in front of teenagers
- My daddy's an alkie
- Was actually alcohol-free near beer, cops can't read
- Homeless guy asked me to "hold this" while he took nap
- Beer an important part of my religion
- Too early for cocaine
- Shooting movie scene with Jennifer Aniston, cans were props
- Thai food kind of spicy
- Beer tapeworm
- Have done way more illegal stuff in this park before
- "Wow, Your Honor, you look just like the president on this FIFTY DOLLAR BILL"
- Mayor Daley is my cousin
- That lady cop obviously jealous
- Still waiting for flask to come in mail
- Cops should go after real criminals, like potheads
- But I'm Canadian!


"Nice try, drunktards. Now pay up!"

Reverse! Reverse!

My cousin got married on a hilltop in northern Michigan this Saturday. It was a lovely wedding, and I'm pretty sure her new husband's family is still wondering what the hell they've gotten themselves into. His family: incredibly polite, well-dressed, god-fearing Latinos. Our family: tried to start the wave at the end of the ceremony.

For the most part the two sides kept to themselves, but in a moment I'll always cherish, the groom's father stopped by my table just before leaving. He squeezed my hand and gave me a warm smile. "I just want to tell you, we very much enjoy your dancing tonight. You move beautifully."

It's okay, I'll wait for you to stop laughing.

Done now? No, that's all right. I understand. Anyone else and it would have been sarcasm, or maybe a bit too much off the keg. But we're talking about a man of the cloth here, people. A real, bona fide Reverend. If he says he enjoyed my dancing, then by god HE ENJOYED MY DANCING.

I only wish I knew which dance he liked so much. Was it the Hokey Pokey? The Funky Chicken? The Cha Cha Slide? That dramatic rendition of "Paradise By The Dashboard Light"? Sadly, we will never know.

But the smart money's on Meatloaf.


Nobody puts Tequila in the corner
... after six beers and two pieces of cake.

Sugar or Bust

Dear Jenna,

I felt bad that you didn't like my favorite magazine, so I got you a subscription to one I know you'll enjoy. Look for the first issue in your mailbox soon!



Love always,
Tequila Red

The Conservatives Love Him

And you know what that means: John Roberts is bad news.

People Who Would Make A Better Supreme Court Justice Than John Roberts

1. Tom Cruise

A bit of a wildcard on the separation of Church and Medication issue, and a bit of a scenery chewer, but presumably a proponent of gay rights. Also involved in fine organizations such as Fist Pumpers and Couch Jumpers, The History of Psychiatry: Everything You Need To Know, and May I Have A Phone Book To Stand On Please.

2. The Verizon Guy

Can you hear me now? Clearly this is a man who is in touch with America. And since most Americans support abortion rights, distrust the President, and enjoy having sexual relations outdoors, it's important that our laws reflect these deep-seated beliefs.

3. Tommy Lee

Skilled in oral arguments (convinced the same woman to marry him THREE TIMES). Would make decriminalizing drugs top priority. Also, can bang gavel without using hands.

4. Jude Law's Nanny

I hear she's available.

5. Alf

Pro-immigration rights. Anti-cat. Good enough for me.

6. Oprah

Millions of Americans already do what she tells us them to. Why not make it official? See Also: Makes more money than god, Available in Sizes 6 - 16 and Chicago in da HOUSE

7. The Maintenance Man In My Building

Javier is a hard-working family man who is devoted to duty and willing to fix anything when asked. Could be helpful when considering the death penalty, Don't Ask Don't Tell, and Wait - You're Taking My House To Build A STRIPMALL?

8. Sarah Michelle Gellar

Experience with the undead comes in handy on the current high court. A little garlic and a crucifix are all it takes to keep Justice Scalia far away from anything that matters. Also, the girl looks killer in black.

RUNNERS UP: Michael McConnell, the lady who waited on me at lunch today, the cop writing parking tickets downstairs, Lindsay Lohan, Ignatius Reilly, Elton John, Bob, Bugs Bunny, Hurricane Emily, and the talking dog from Men In Black.

Something For Everyone

Dear Elle,

Since I know you didn't read a word of yesterday's post about bands you hate, I'm putting up this picture especially for you.



I have no idea who these people are. But, you know, boobs.

Your friend always,
Tequila Red

* * * * * *
Things I'm going to take a pass on today:

• Movies in the Park
• Sugar's wake
• That 3:00 meeting in the suburbs
• Work in general

What I'm going to do instead:

• Hit the "Publish Post" button
• Throw up, possibly in a trashcan
• Go home

Intonation: So Hott

God bless the youngsters who can stand out in the hundred degree sun all day to be close to the stage, because I just can't do it anymore. Cannot, will not. So instead Concert Josh and I pulled up a blanket under the trees where the sound was dicey but the chances of having a heatstroke were dramatically lower.

Saturday: Broken Social Scene was, as always, great. Jason Molina is usually good but today bored me to beers. Four Tet I really liked but the one-dude-and-a-keyboard thing didn't go over too well with my snobby friends. Who I wanted to like but didn't: The Go! Team. All the kids raved about them afterwards, but I guess we were too far away from the dance party funtime. Out over dere by us the lead signer sounded like a less-talented Spice Girl. Plus, that's exactly when the ice cream truck decided to park right by our blanket, so one ear was hearing "The Power is On" while the other was hearing "It's a Small World After All." And then some big guy walked by wearing a "FAT PEOPLE ARE HARD TO KIDNAP" shirt and I blacked out.

Sunday was a scorcher - close to 100 - but we managed to get off our asses for The Hold Steady and Deerhoof, both of whom made it worth our while. Andrew Bird was good, I think - I was kind of busy with fried cheeses and a funnel cake. This random girl had a cute haircut I want to steal. Out Hud was excellent; Les Savy Fav were weird and hyper and mostly naked. I only made it through four Decemberists songs before having a claustrophobic freakout of the PLEASE STOP TOUCHING ME WITH YOUR GODDAMN BACKPACK OR I WILL RIP OFF YOUR NEWLY DESCENDED TESTICLES AND WEAR THEM AS EARRINGS YOU STUPID TEENAGE BRATS variety. Too bad, because I love you Colin Meloy. I would never turn your testicles into jewelry.

Other than the Decemberists set, the crowd was friendly and well behaved. Although you couldn't swing a dead cat without hitting a hipster kid wearing something completely ridiculous. Hi, it's a hundred degrees out so WHAT IN THE NAME OF GOD IS WITH THE BLAZERS AND THE KNEEHIGH BOOTS?

Yep. I'm officially old.

Other News In Brief

Sugar Goes To Wrong Airport
One hour flight to southern Indiana turns into 14 hour flight to Kentucky

Melmar Bachelorette Party Shocking Drunkfest
Porn knowledge scores schlong-shaped candy necklace

Concert Josh Way Patient With New Girlfriend's Lack of Relationship Skillz
Other skillz help to make up for it

Cat Totally Neglected for 3 Days
Shrugs, licks butt, doesn't care

Cruisin' for a Boozin'

Having the company summer party on a boat is a good idea. Enjoying a beer while cruising around on Lake Michigan is also a good idea. Letting me steer the boat several beers into the afternoon is a bad idea. Going to that bar after we got off the boat? Bad idea. Slapping the CEO's ass and making out with my gay co-workers? Probably not the best idea. The karaoke bar? Very bad idea, especially if you have exactly 47 cents in your purse, no money in the bank and no clue where you are. And at 10:30 you feel kind of barf-y but your man friend isn't answering either of his phones and the only person you know who might be able to come and get you is someone you aren't really speaking to at the moment but he does come to get you and he's really nice about it and that makes you cry but the good news is you don't throw up in his car.

Actually, karaoke bars are never a good idea.

Tequila Red: not the Beyonce of any group

Almost Famous

Okay, so I didn't end up in the front row like Doobs and Sugar. And I didn't get handpicked to stand directly in front of the camera and rock out, like Concert Josh. And I didn't even get to see Jennifer freakin' Aniston, like Sister of Fredbeck. But who cares, because the part about the Old 97's was bliss.

The gist of the scene: JenAn is supposed to meet Vince Vaughn at an Old 97's show but he stands her up. Dumbass. And so she sits there all alone with two beers and an empty seat. And then they play a sorta-kinda saddish song (either Melt Show or Salome), so she gets up and leaves. And maybe she's crying or something, I dunno. But the balcony people said that's all she did today. Sit down, get up, walk out. Gee, thrilling.

Meanwhile up front, I kept forgetting we were shooting a movie scene because DO YOU SEE WHAT RHETT IS DOING WITH HIS HIPS RIGHT NOW and AW MURRY IS THE CUTEST I LOVE HIM SO MUCH and WHO THE HELL LET KEN WEAR THAT SHIRT. We rocked out and jumped around and sang along and it was a blast. Except for the 10 hours that we just sat on our asses doing nothing. That kind of stunk. By the end of the night, Concert Josh and I declined a chance to mill around and stare at JenAn, choosing instead to sit around in Extras Holding and stare at each other because it required less effort. All in all, it was a long, fun, exhausting day.

Easier Ways to Earn $100
Hock wedding ring
Sell children to circus
Stand on Western Avenue between hours of 11 PM and 3 AM
Survey people on beach as to bowel habits
Sling hash
Sell hashish
Rent out cat to zoo
Lesbian porn

MCs of the Day

I read Craigslist so you don't have to.

fake nipples on michigan ave - w4m - 20
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: anon-83883640@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-07-12, 10:12AM CDT

your friend commented on my hard nipples and when you stopped to say hello we took a picture together and laughed over them being fake... my friend thought your friend was cute, and you were very cute yourself.... should have gotten you number....

re:fake nipples on michigan ave - w4m - 20
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: anon-83958270@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-07-12, 10:56AM CDT

wow. that's one of the most heart warming MCs i've ever read. someone should turn it into a movie and show it every xmas.

Wardrobe Selection

I'm going to be in a movie tomorrow. I may have mentioned this once or twice before, I can't recall. Anyway, the casting company told us to wear our favorite outfit to the set, but since Jenna's doing the Naughty French Maid we can't very well MATCH. That would be dumb.

So I've narrowed it down to 5 outfits that are sure to get me noticed on set:

1. Hammer Time

What It Says: "U can't touch this... unless it gets me into the front row-oh-oh-oh."

2. Bozo the Gumball Machine

What It Says: "Who's happier than a clown with an oral fixation on a movie set?"

3. Aryan Streetwalker

What It Says: "I have two night jobs, and probably several diseases."

4. Nice Rack

What It Says: "Hey Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!"

5. Musketeer Bride

What It Says: "Oh, I thought you said you wanted to swashBUCKLE, Mr. Vaughn!"

Well That Wasn't So Bad

I covered roughly 800 miles this weekend, crossing state lines between Michigan, Ohio, Indiana, Michigan, Indiana and Illinois in just one day, spent time at church AND amusement park - two of my least favorite places - and somehow it all managed to be ... fun. I know! But rilly!

First of all, contrary to speculation the church did NOT burst into flames the moment I stepped inside. My sis wisely gave me a camera and put me to work, so I bopped around snapping pics and amusing myself with an internal dialogue that went something like: "That's it, Padre ... work it, work it... Now show me 'holy'!"

The Bons is the cutest, fattest, most adorable newly Christian sumo wrestler in the universe.

with The Godfather

Sunday was Cedar Point day, and I have to tell you, that park beats the craps out of Great America. In fact, Cedar Points sits on top of Great America on the playground and rubs its face into the asphalt before stealing its lunch money. The rides are bigger, faster and scarier. The lines are way shorter. Even the patrons are more attractive. The only bad part was when we were on the Mean Streak and the teenage boy in front of us went into a seizure. His friends and the college kids running the ride were so freaked out by it that I somehow ended up being the Designated Grown Up In Charge. "Call the paramedics. Don't move him. He's breathing. He'll be okay." Then I crouched down next to him, speaking in comforting tones until the paramedics arrived. As we walked away one of the kids working there said, "I'm so glad you were here. You must be a nurse or something." I patted his arm and decided not to tell him I work in advertising.

Smooth Segue
The last place I was when someone had a seizure right by me was an Old 97's show. And I don't know if you've heard, but a few of us are going to be extras in a movie scene with the Old 97's on Wednesday. Did you hear about that? Yeah, I'm a little excited. Just a little. I think some other chick will be there too, I don't know. Whatever. I'll probably spend the next 36 hours getting into character. I'm an Old 97's fan. I'm at a show. Rhett is sweating. Rhett is singing. Rhett is doing that spinny thing with his arm. Don't look at the camera. Look at Rhett. Yummy, yummy Rhett. Mmm.

I'm sorry, what? Oh yes, the movie. Right. So the movie is Wednesday, and Rhett will be there. That's all you need to know.

In Briefs
Concert Josh Buys Fancy Sheets
New girlfriend huge harpy about thread count

Writer Having Trouble With Commercial for Boxing Legend
George Foreman never bit off ears or ate children; grill thing totally boring

Frosting, PBR Consumed For Dinner
Co-workers really need to keep better stuff in fridge

To Do This Weekend

2 Little League games
Make eyes at coach
Ignore silent scorn of ex-husband
Drive to Detroit
Listen to country music, pick up hitchikers, miss Wendi
Baptism (niece)
Hide discomfort at being inside church
Wonder if hell is really all that bad
Decide not
Make eyes at priest
Ignore silent scorn of entire family
Drive to Ohio
Day at amusement park
Shoot self in head
Slap own face
Cry about cost of ticket
Ride every rollercoaster
Drive back to Chicago
Drink coffee
Road rage
Anger
Anger
WHY does EVERYONE suck SO BAD
Try using your TURN SIGNAL, jerk
I HATE EVERYONE IN THE WORLD
Deep breaths
Drink coffee
Smoke 142 cigarettes
Listen to country music
Sing along
Burn with shame
Sleep 3 hours
Come back to work

Total Miles Driven: 720
Chance of Being Driven Completely Mad: 99.4%

Yum

What's for lunch: Eye Candy

Give Me Laura Baron's Job: the Campaign Continues

Today everyone's favorite sex columnist informs us that adultery is bad. Wow, insightful!

Dear Red Eye,

Seriously. I work cheap.

Love,
Tequila Red

Ride

This morning on the way to work, you wish you didn't have to take the train. You know the tiny twinge of fear you feel is unreasonable and unfounded and even a bit self-indulgent, but there it is nonetheless. You see it reflected in a few of the faces of your fellow commuters. It's all too easy to put yourself on a train in London, the smoke, the darkness, the terror and confusion. There but for the grace go I. At Armitage, you watch the Red Line disappear below ground and even though you feel slightly foolish, you silently wish it safe passage. Extra-vigilant, says Mr. Bush. How very helpful, thanks. You look out the window and remember a morning of similar dread four years ago, when a crush of fleeing people packed into a northbound train, eerily quiet but for the occasional updates from a woman with a radio in her ear, and the frantic, fruitless dialing of your co-worker as she searched for news of the plane her father was on somewhere over Georgia. Across the train car that fall day a stranger caught your gaze and held it. Everything will be all right. We're okay. We're okay. You think of the time your el train collided violently with another, and then mentally magnify that chaos and panic a thousandfold. You count the ways you take your safety for granted every single day. You think of Madrid. Any given street in Iraq at an given time. There's no amount of vigilance.

A girl talks quietly into her cell phone. "No, I can't get ahold of him. Nothing yet." Next to her, a woman flips through a celebrity gossip magazine. The young couple in the aisle nuzzle each other's necks and giggle. A pimply kid bobs his head to the Green Day blaring from his iPod and suddenly it's just another day, another commute, another bead on an endless string of matching days. Like tomorrow will be, and Monday, and the day after that. Because despite what the politicians say, you can't let fear and vulnerability rule you. You can be vigilant but must also remain unbowed. There is no other choice.

This morning London broke your heart a little. So cry. Empathize. Mourn.

And then get back on the train.

Where I'll Be Next Wednesday (HINT: Not at Work)

Mr. Melmar just sent me this, and for that I will always love him:

So you wanna to be a rock & roll star? I can't help you there, but if you'd like to try your hand at being in a movie with your favorite rock & roll stars, well just maybe. There's no need to recount here the sign of the end-times that was the Brad Pitt - Jennifer Anniston breakup, and the subsequent fallout which ended with photos of the him in sweat-drenched
jungles of passion with Angelina Jolie. No, our purpose here is higher! See, Jenn's easing her pain by working through it, and making a new movie with Vince Vaughn up in Chicago called The Break Up. The "break-up"? Oh, I get it!

So on July 13th and 14th they're going to be filming a concert scene at Chicago's Riviera Theater. So who's going to be in concert? Uhm... wait a minute, let me guess... Yep, the Old 97's. And they need Old 97's fans to help populate the show for filming. So, you in? Great! Call the casting company RIGHT NOW at 708-802-1894 for details on how you might be cast as an
extra.

I'm so excited I just did the Rhett hipswivel all around the office. Wanna do it with me? I called the hotline and they said to send a photo with all your contact information ASAP to:

ATTN Extras Casting
209 W Jackson
Suite 200
Chicago IL 60606

Then tomorrow or Friday, call 312.212.2740 for the next steps.

I'm telling you: best. Sick day. EVS.

Triple X Word Score

How NOT to start a Scrabble game with your ten year old:



Don't worry, I spelled "pin" instead. But I was tempted.

The Fantastic Fourth

A wonderful weekend descended briefly into madness when the best wittle pupsie in the world turned out to be the WORST DOG ANYWHERE EVER. Non-stop barking and chewing by the Wilburbeast drove my landlord to the brink, culminating in a note on my door that said I WILL KILL AND EAT THAT DOG IF HE DOES NOT STOP BARKING RIGHT NOW. All my neighbors were totally giving me the stink eye, too. I was like, Hey you should see what he did inside the house, drunktards.

Appetite for Destruction
Number of holes dug in yard: 1 (but it's a biggie)
Number of consecutive hours barked on Friday night: 4
Number of consecutive hours barked on Saturday night: 4
Number of bark collars purchased on Sunday morning: 1
Number of beers purchased to mollify angry landlord: 12
Things chewed: the arms off my living room chairs, the heads off Olivia's dolls, my favorite pair of heels
Things not chewed: new rawhide bone

Wilbur now responds to the names of "Bad Dog,""Stupid," and "Way To Ruin My Life, Jerk"

Three Word Movie Reviews
Sin City: gorgeous, gross, brilliant
Land of the Dead: stupid, gross, pointless
Batman Begins: Not sure since I couldn't watch much with two small children tearing around the theater like maniacs and screaming their dumb heads off while their mother blissfully ignored them. Oh, plus it was kind of hard to see when the girl in front of us spent half the movie putting her stupid hair up into a ponytail and then taking it back down again. But Katie Holmes has very perky nipples, so I give it two stars.

Exclusive!
After spending most of the weekend with Concert Josh and failing to get sick of him even once, my serial dating permit was officially rescinded on Monday. I am now a one-Josh woman. Of course, all the things that make me fun will probably also make me a terrible girlfriend, so who knows how long this party will last.

The Tequila Red Method of Asking For a Raise: not boyfriend approved

Drunk & Disorderly

World's most expensive 6-pack of Old Style purchased Wednesday night; Chicago's finest fail to be fooled by small brown paper bags. Complete story - with photos! - here.



In related news, pork is still the other white meat.

Mmmm, I smell bacon!

Great America: Not That Great
Unless you enjoy spending $200 for a sunburn, an order of nachos, and swimming in other people's urine. The roller coaster part wasn't bad though.

Happy Birthday, little Livvy!

Day Off Cancelled By Angry Phone Call
Boss demands headline of stunning wit and clarity; Tequila Red stares vacantly over his shoulder before returning to office for nap.
* * * * *
So, any big plans for the 4th? I'm puppysitting the best wittle poopsie-woopsie in the world, as well as attending various barbecue and movie functions around the city. I know haven't written much about the dating situation here lately, but as Sugar likes to say, some news is just too interesting to report. And as Wendi likes to say, my dad reads this. Scandalous!