Shhh

It's totally top secret and nobody is invited:

Chicago SummerDance

The ninth annual Chicago SummerDance festival of public dancing continues tonight in the Spirit of Music Garden in Grant Park (601 S. Michigan, between Harrison and Balbo). This evening's entertainment: DJ Lego and DJ Jesse de la Pena, playing house & Latin music. SummerDance features one hour of dance lessons (except Wednesday nights), followed by two hours of live music and dancing. Tonight's show runs from 6:00 to 9:00. (via Gapers Block)

Whatever you do, don't meet me and Secret Agent Saucy in Grant Park at 1830 hours. Because we won't even be there. And we definitely won't be dancing like hoochie mamas.

Drunken Brainstorms

SETTING: AFTERNOON MEETING

CO-WORKER: Okay, now if we could just talk about-

TEQUILA RED: Cheese curds!

CO-WORKER: Um.

TEQUILA RED: Cheese curds are gonna be BIG. I think heard something about it on the radio.

EVERYONE: ....

TEQUILA RED: Curds! I'm telling you! They're HUGE.

cricket, cricket

The Boys

Dylan: new haircut


Concert Josh: 30 today

Happy XXX, mister

Early Josh: MIA

The CEO: my hot lunch date today

Tom Cruise: still annoying; a definite security threat (thanks to Hot Married Boyfriend Dana for the link)

The Girl
Tequila Red: demure in pink checks; sort of drunk

why, yes, lunch in a bar sounds delightful!

quick like bunny

• Excellent music blog songs:illinois points out yummy mp3s by one of my favorite musical boyfriends, Salim Nourallah.

• Sometimes I want to kiss Ted Kennedy right on the mouth.

• The Supreme Court continues the rapid decline towards complete senility.

• Two new movies I need to see right now are Land of the Dead and Me and You and Everyone We Know. One movie you could not pay me to see is Bewitched. Shut up, Nora Ephron.

• RuPaul leads the fabulous Pride Parade this Sunday in Boystown. If it's not a frillion degrees out, the kids and I will go and have a gay old time.

• Things NOT to say to the CEO of your company: "This is my blog. It's what I do when I'm supposed to be working."

• Sudoku: fun like crack

• I smell like a boy today.

Drink of the Day: The Complicatini

Mix:

1 Tequila Red
4 beers
2 Joshes
1 Wednesday night

Stir well and enjoy while you can. Delicious!

Who Has More Fun Than We Do?

Nobody do.

Sayonara Party Pics














More photos by the inimitable Justin B here.

Shut up, Billy Corgan

If there is one thing I am sick of right now, it's this:



Maybe you all heard/read about/saw the full page ads he took out in Chicago papers to pimp his new, retardedly-spaced solo album TheFutureEmbrace and to announce the reunion of formerly fantastic band the Pumpkins. Which, okay, the Smashing Pumpkins were once pretty flipping great. But - and I can't emphasize this enough - BILLY CORGAN YOU ARE NOT THE OFFICIAL FACE OF MUSIC IN CHICAGO. Okay? Because, and this might surprise you, Chicago actually has lots of good musicians who are not, in fact, Billy Corgan. I know! But it's true! And I'm not talking about Liz Phair either.

Chicago Musicians Who Deserve More Attention
1. The Redwalls
In the past year or so these four boys from the burbs have scored some serious critic wanking, garnered upteen comparisons to the Beatles, signed a Major Label Record Deal, made late night TV appearances, and even landed a spot on Lollapasnooza. And they're all, like, twelve. Catch them at the Metro on Friday in support of their brand new CD De Nova. That's whole lot of popdelicious summer sweetness for the low low price of $10.

2. The Ponys
Fierce, loud and utterly beguiling, the Ponys have been on the fun end of this city's lovestick for quite a while, and now we be spreading the love around like VD. Also, I have a total girl crush on Melissa. Another must see at the Palooze. To wit: "Let's Kill Ourselves"

3. Jon Langford
I'm not a huge fan of The Mekons but Jon Langford is a fricking legend. LEGEND. Plus, his art work is so good I could poop. I'd trade my children for this painting.

4. Chin Up Chin Up
My favorite local band right now: dreamy but catchy, charming yet rockin. Also? CUTE AS ALL HELL. I've put them up on this blog a few times before but in case you missed it or just stop paying attention whenever I talk, "Virginia Don't Drown" . Currently touring with The Ponys; playing the Bottle on July 29.

Rounding out the list: Robbie Fulks, Edith Frost, Andrew Bird, Scotland Yard Gospel Choir, Ruben Waters Loves You, The Dirty Things, Head of Femur, Dark Green Bottles and a boatload of other people I know I'm forgetting. Also, Mobfest all weekend!

* * * * * *
DEVELOPING!
Drinks tonight at the teeny tiny lounge with Early Josh (The Josh Formerly Known As Nerve Guy, aka Grocery Store Josh). Possible topics of conversation include: Hey, Why You Dump Me So Fast?, I've Already Dated Most of Your Friends, and Nice Basket of Junk Food, Weirdo. I'm looking forward to it.

I Just Spit Pop On My Keyboard
Best blog post EVER over on goldenfiddle right now. Pickles! HA!

Cult of Personality

Besides being infinitely annoying, the current media obsession with Crazy Cruise has also generated a ton of attention for his "religion" of choice, Scientology. I was reading some stuff about it last night and while it doesn't make me want to join up, it totally makes me want to start a cult. Some possibilities:

The Rhettettes
WORSHIPS:

BELIEVES IN: Long floppy hair, hip swivels, moles that beg be licked, four leaf clovers, sweat, stalking
MOTTO: "He just spit on me! That is so hot."
WHO CAN JOIN: Chicks; dudes who are very secure in their manhood
THEME SONG: "King of All the World" - Old 97's

---

The Boca Nuts
WORSHIPS: frozen vegetarian food product
MOTTO(S): "Cows - not that tasty"; "We fake everything"; "Check out THESE buns"
WHO CAN JOIN: Trader Joe's employees, anyone owning crystal deodorant
THEME SONG: "Know Your Onion!" - The Shins
CELEBRITY MOUTHPIECE: Moby

---

Devils in Disguise
WORSHIPS: Theme parties
BELIEVES IN: combing thrift stores for '80s outifts, pissing off the neighbors
MOTTO(S): "Let's all put on aprons!"; "Does this prom dress make my butt look big enough?"; "What the hell is this strap for?"
MEETS AT: My house, regularly
THEME SONG: "Polyester Bride" - Liz Phair
CELEBRITY MOUTHPIECE: Chloe Sevigny

---

Panteneyboppers
WORSHIPS: drugstore hair products
MOTTO: "Shiny hair is better than world peace, also, harder to achieve"
WHO CAN JOIN: People too cheap for Aveda
MEETS AT: Aisle 4
THEME SONG: "I Go Humble" - Bjork
CELEBRITY MOUTHPIECE: Brit Brit

---

Las Tequitas
WORSHIPS: the frozen margarita
BELIEVES IN: glasses as big as your head, salt on the rim, blackouts
MEETS AT: 5:01 PM
MOTTO(S): "Whose turn is it to buy me a drink?"; "Where did I leave my car, I wonder"; "How many of these have I had?;" "Okay, but just one more."
THEME SONG: Tegan & Sara - "Trouble"
PSEUDO-CELEBRITY MOUTHPIECES:

Join our cult of barsluts now! We accept all major credit cards, plus rides in strangers' sports cars.

---

The 10 Second Update

So yeah, work has been kicking my booty lately, and whatever downtime I can scrape up has gone to the design of Wendi's sassy new Tokyo blog. Visit her. Live vicariously. I am.

Full post coming soon, but for now I have to stick to:

The News in Brief

Ex-Boyfriend Reaches New Heights of Assholishness
All Friends & A Few Strangers Alerted To This Latest Development

24 Yr Old Personal Trainer Asks For Phone Number
Local Woman Too Tired Just Thinking About It

Size Four Jeans Purchased At Old Navy
Self Esteem On Sale For $16.99

Concert Josh On List Of "Things To Do" This Week
Right After Laundry and Grocery Shopping

America's Dirtiest City

One thing I love about this town is that we are, by and large, a lewd and crude crowd. Now Reader's Digest has crowned us America's Dirtiest City. What an honor! Also: good call.

Here in Chicago we have Naked Bike Rides, the annual International Male Leather Convention, sex shops and adult bookstores on every corner, Porn Bloggers on the front page of our papers, and articles about swinging inside. Hookers frolic in joyful abundance along Western Avenue, and the Chicago Craigslist Casual Encounters board is teeming with horndogs who want to do naughty things for free. We have bathhouses, classes on how to get freaky, the world's worst sex columnist, and Crazy Mary, the thoroughly insane homeless woman who shows you her scary parts if you decline to give her money. Plus, you do not even know how much I love a good dirty martini. So, yay! Go Chicago! We're number one! Take THAT, San Francisco. Prudes.

Oh, except actually? It turns out we're just the grossest city in the country.

Whatever, I like mine better.



[Edited to add: See?]

* * * * * *
Happy Father's Day, Pops
I love ya, you old golfdog.

Tune In Tokyo

The entire population of Chicago was at O'Hare airport yesterday morning, as evidenced by the fact that EVERY SINGLE PARKING SPOT WAS FULL. At O'HARE. One of the BIGGEST AIRPORTS IN THE COUNTRY. All the lots were closed and attendants were sending cars to the international lots, which are in approximately Michigan and involve a complicated system of hitchhiking, buses, trains and secret passwords for the return trip to Airportland. So we burned half a tank of gas and drove in circles until it was time to say goodbye. Let's see, how to sum up this next part. Pretty much: crying, crying, hugging, sobbing, incoherent words, crying, crying, clutching, crying. Then we headed back towards the city to do what our family does in times of distress, which is eat our body weight in fried stuff.

We get a few miles away and then my phone rings with a call from a strange number. I pick up and hear sobbing and cursing on the other end of the line. And then, "OH MY GOD IS MY TICKET IN THE CAR?" Oh jesus, it's on the floor in the backseat. Shit! I swerve madly across three lanes of traffic to catch an exit and floor it back to the airport, where Wendi is surprisingly calm for someone who just had an $1100 brain fart. She grabs the plane ticket and gives us a jaunty wave. "Thanks! Bye guys! Don't worry about me, I'll be fine!" My dad, meanwhile, is trying not to have a stroke, and my mom is rubbing her temples. Somehow I resist the temptation to run in and plunk down my credit card for a ticket to Tokyo. All you bitches in Japan better play nice, you hear? Don't even MAKE me come over there and bust some heads. Punks.

My Nerdiest Moment of the Day
On my way out to meet some friends last night, I was flipping through the radio stations and landed on the country one. The Reba theme song was playing, and it made me cry like an Ohio Congressman. Because now I have to watch that show alone every Friday night, and that is just sad. On so many levels.

See Ted play. Play, Ted, play!
Aside from an ill-conceived Rush cover and a tad too much chitchat, Ted Leo was an excellent cure for my lonesome blues. Go here and snag "Under the Hedge," "The High Party" & "Where Have All the Rude Boys Gone" to throw your very own anti-pity party. Or come over and we'll listen to them together. I have lots of room! And there's beer in the fridge! And, and, SNACKS! You can pet my cat! Or not, if you hate cats! I know I do! So, drop by any time, it's totally fine! Please?

Confidential to Nin

Oh kid, I'm going to miss you more than you know.



Music for Plane Rides
"Anything You Want" - Spoon
Japancakes - "Softnez"
"The World At Large" - MM
Ivy - "Worry About You"
"Alone in Kyoto" - Air
"Next Exit" - Interpol
Pixies - "Velouria"
Trachtenburg Family Slideshow "Mountain Trip to Japan"
"Keep On Rockin It" - Luscious Jackson
"Sister" - The Nixons

12 Hour Party People

You have no one to blame but yourself if you missed Wendi's Sayonara Shindig on Saturday night, and if I were you I'd get right on that. Because, dang, that was fun.

Special thanks to:

• Crystal, for showing up with her usual Party Posse in tow, including her foxy boyfriend James and her ultracool cousin Conrad, two of my most favoritest people. Thanks for - as Romy put it - "bringing the color."

• Mark, the best/hottest bartender/singer in the city, for showing up despite working til 3 am, and then going for beverage reinforcements.

• Concert Josh, for being totally at ease at a party where he knew exactly one person, and looking fine as hell in a tight tee shirt. Also for not throwing up or running away every time I called him "my new boyfriend" because I call everybody my boyfriend.

• Salome, for thinking of of Drunken Taboo

• Miss Michelle, for coming all the way down from Madtown to be the Apartment Smoking Police. "No no NO! No SMOKING in the HOUSE. I don't CARE if you LIVE HERE. Think of the CHILDREN!!"

• My neighbors, for calling the real live actual police on us. It ain't a party til the cops come.

• Orange Shirt Guy, for throwing some sweet moves on the patio dancefloor.

• Matt, for bringing Orange Shirt Guy, and for finally getting his ass in gear and making out with the guest of honor. ABOUT TIME.

• Justin Breaux for never, ever being boring or wrong.

• Every single person who showed up, especially those who showed up with booze.

• Every single person who was still there at 6:30 am when we pooled our cash together for an early morning cigarette run and then lolled around on the front lawn like puppies, demanding random passersby take pictures of us.

• Every single person who was still there at noon and helped clean up my nazzzty house.

• My sister, for being generally awesome. And for buying me breakfast.

There's Some Blood In My Alcohol Stream

Hungover on Sunday afternoon, and Concert Josh is wearing my shirt.

Party pics to come.

Fashion Nonsense

In the past week I have:

• worn two different colored shoes to work
• worn my skirt inside out
• walked by an old woman on the street who was wearing the exact same outfit as me

Am considering permanent move to nudist colony. It's just easier.

Weekend Hot List: What, When, Where
It Band and stone foxes the Futureheads at the Metro tonight. "Hounds of Love"

Wendi's goingaway party on Saturday night. My casa. Bring booze, friends, cameras, Kleenex.

Bad mama jamas The Windy City Rollers harvest bruises at the Congress Theater on Sunday. Go, pink-haired hairdresser from Big Hair!


Multiple Little League games, Hamlin Park

Dylan gets ready to knock one out onto Waveland

10 Classes I Need To Take

The Discovery Center is Chicago's self-proclaimed Lifelong Learning Center. For a few bucks you can learn to tango, write a screenplay, or speak Chinese. But they also offer classes that are a little more ... unusual. Here are my favorites:

1. Breakdancing
I am the whitest white girl who ever shook a pasty, no-rhythm booty on the dancefloor. Perhaps this class can teach me some funky fresh moves. Uh, word. Yo. Homey? "Bring to class: kneepads, elbo pads, and a hat for head spins." $75
ALTERNATE CHOICES: Tap Dance 1, Sitting In The Corner With A Drink And Your Dignity

2. Daytime Street Flirting
Primarily differs from Nighttime Street Flirting in that one is presumably sober, and therefore less likely to accidentally walk into a parking meter. "I never realized how easy & fun it really is to flirt with guys." (Andria, age 34) Poor, poor unfortunately named Andria. $49 + "$10 for handouts." Handouts? Will we be flirting with the homeless? Now I'm socially inept AND confused.
ALTERNATE CHOICES: Flirting Safari Party; Romance Boot Camp 1; Craigslist

3. Intro to the Art of Exotic Dancing For Everyday
Everyday? Am I becoming a stripper? Who knows! "It's learning how to reach deep within yourself to find your inner beauty and grace and combine these into sensual movements that only you can express." Hear that ladies? Reach deep within yourself. I think the mens pay extra for that. $39
ALTERNATE CHOICES: Secret Of Creating Abundance; The Magic of Rapport; Learning To Grab A $20 With Your Junk

4. On-Line Job Search: Zap Your Way To A New Career
Duh. $39
ALTERNATE CHOICE: How To Marry Rich

5. Past Life Regression
"Do you ever think that you have lived before? Do you feel that some of your current relationships began in another life? Do you have an illness or problem that you attribute to a past life? Do you believe your present job is related to what you did in a previous lifetime? In this class you'll learn about life between lives, your current life's lessons and why you chose to reincarnate. This is an experiential class; each student will have at least one opportunity to privately recall a past life. BYOC (bring your own candle)." $39 + candle
ALTERNATE CHOICES: An Evening With the Crystalmaster; Throw Your Money Down A Sewer Pipe And Watch It Float Away

6. Stop Smoking Through Hypnosis
Yeah, because that goddamn book worked so well. $39
ALTERNATE CHOICES: Lung Cancer For Dummies; Emphysema Is Your Friend; Fun With Tracheotomys

7. Blackjack For Blood
Just so you know, blackjack is NOT the one where you have to slap the jack every time it comes up. Casino dealers hate that. "I will take you virtually into a casino setting and help you understand what they know." So you can virtually win virtual money. What virtual fun! $59
ALTERNATE CHOICES: Old Maid for Old Maids; Go Fish

8. Coffeemating
I love Coffemate! It's delicious. $39
ALTERNATE CHOICES: International Delighting; Half and Halfsies

9. Networking for Kinky People
"Whether you've had fantasies about being tied up, wearing leather, bowling in the nude, multiple partners or other creative ideas, there are more like-minded people out there than you think." It's like someone can read my thoughts. $39
ALTERNATE CHOICES: Bondage And Domination, An Introduction; How To Find The X-Tasy Spot; Craigslist

10. How To Date A 10 Even If You Are Not One
Don't be silly. $0

Spreading Links of Happiness

Because I'm too damn busy to post anything else:

goldenfiddle
Replace Defamer with it in your bookmarks.

Immoderation
Lindsey + Photoshop = captions of hilarity

Popgadget
Delicious techie stuff you didn't even know I wanted.

Write On, Megs and This is not a ham sandwich are two blogs written by broads who are cooler than me.

You do not even know how badly I wanted to go to the Nick Hornby & Marah reading/concert at Schubas this Saturday night. Also, Spoon is at the Vic.

Self-Portrait Day
Not just because I was on it either.

Daily Rotten and the Obscure Store & Reading Room
All the bizarro news barely fit for print.

Doodle Analysis on ze's blog
Find out what your random scribblings mean. HINT: you have a filthy, dirty mind. I love that about you.

The Meat Market

The cute butt pants mojo was working overtime last night, leading to a bizarro encounter in the produce section of my local Jewel.

ME: [Standing in front of the salads]
RANDOM GROCERY STORE GUY: Hi. Are you receptive to compliments?
ME: Always!
RGSG: I was just driving behind you on Western, and I have to say, you have the best ... bumper stickers.
ME: [Disappointed] Oh. Well, thanks.
RGSG: I don't smoke, but the way you were smoking was totally sexy.
ME: Um, okay. Thanks.
RGSG: I'm Random Grocery Store Guy, by the way. And you are...?
ME: Katie. Nice to meet you.
RGSG: Katie, do you have a boy-
ME: Yes.
RGSG: -friend?
ME: Yes.
RGSG: Too bad.
ME: Yep.
RGSG: He's one lucky duck.
ME: Thanks.
RGSG: [Looks at me, smiling]
ME: Well ... I'm just going to get my salad now.
RGSG: [Looks at me, smiling]
ME: So... thanks for the compliments.
RGSG: [Looks at me, smiling]
ME: See you around.
RGSG: I just came in to go to the bank.
ME: It's over there.
RGSG: You're really pretty.
ME: Boyfriend!
RGSG: Bye.

Grading Random Grocery Store Guy
ORIGINALITY: B
APPEARANCE: C-
ACTUALLY APPROACHING SOMEONE YOU FIND ATTRACTIVE: A+

* * * * * *
Promises, Promises

Tequila Red gets it in writing

* * * * * *
Whew
Big sloppy wet kisses to LaSalle Bank for not only pushing through my rent check but also negating the insane pile-up of overdraft fees. I love you, big faceless corporate institution!

Boing Boing, Boo Hoo

Things That Bounce
Tennis balls
Kangaroos
Big boobies
My rent check

Well ... maybe. I won't know for sure until tomorrow. It seems some brainiac (me) forgot to deposit a check she's had for over a week, resulting in a $44 shortage when Mr. Landlord went to collect his dough. The bank may or may not have covered it; I've been with them for five years and never once been overdrawn, and I put in enough cash to fix everything like two seconds later, but I'm pretty sure that doesn't mean squat.
• Hours spent wringing hands, developing nervous eye tic, and breathing into paper bags this weekend: 16
• Cigarettes smoked: 2 frajillion
• Landlords avoided: 1

Ending The Date: Body Language 101
You might think it's a bad sign if, at the end of a date, the person you're with looks totally bored, yawns repeatedly, won't kiss you, and then squeals his tires speeding away before you've even got the car door all the way closed. But you'd be wrong. Boy, do you have a lot to learn about dating!

Fun Friday Night: Getting police permission to frolic nekkid in a fountain in downtown Chicago
Not So Fun Friday Night: Spending 12 straight hours as an unpaid scullery maid because your house is so damn dirty even the roaches are wearing rubber gloves and looks of disgust

This season's must-have accessories: dust mop, scowl

I'm Mr. Bright Side
Number of friends who moved away this weekend: 1
Days until Wendi runs off to Japan for a whole fricking year: 9
How much work I've done today: 0
Chances of financial ruin: good
Random dudes who whistled at me on the street this morning: 2
Current mood: fantastic

Cute butt pants - The Key to Happiness

I Know You Are But What Am I

Dear Dillholes At The Show Last Night:

When I approached you on my way out and said, "Hey guys, thanks for ruining the last song for everybody around you," was "bitch" really the best comeback you could muster up? I'm afraid it's sorely lacking in creativity, and points off for not even saying it until I was almost out the door. You disappoint me, gentlemen. In the future, if you're going to insist on screaming and chittering like primates during the one slow song a band performs, at least have the god-given decency to respond to criticism with a little imagination. Or - since you seem to have roughly 12 brain cells between the three of you - consider carrying around flashcards with phrases like, "I fling poo bigger than you," "Up your butt with a coconut," and "So does your mother, ho." Another word that works well is "sorry." You can say the "we suck hairy balls" part inside your head.

In closing, thanks for your attention in this matter, since you clearly don't have much to spare. See you at the Bottle, boys!

Your Friend,

Tequila Red

Better Late Than Never

Sometimes it's only 5 minutes. Usually it's at least 10. Okay, more like 15. And then there are the times - and I'm not proud of this - that it's half an hour or so. Hi, my name is Kari and I'm Chronically Late.

This little habit of mine drives my friends INSANE. Michelle has coined a phrase for it. It goes a little like this: "DAMN THE REDS! Damn damn damn them TO HELL. " Because, you see, the lateness is genetic. Wendi also has it. And we are late for everything.

Part of it is because we live much farther from downtown than most of our friends. It takes longer to get home and longer to come back. And when you're at the mercy of public transportation, everything is up for grabs. 20, 25 minutes waiting for a bus. 15 minutes waiting for a train. The train crawls along slightly faster than a granny with a walker and one leg, or else just sits on the tracks for long stretches of time for no visible reason. Really, it's a wonder we get anywhere at all.

But you can only blame the CTA for so much. Many a Friday night Wendi and I have gotten sucked into a certain television show (shut up) only to glance at the clock and realize that we are supposed meet people at a bar in approximately four minutes. I look at her. She looks at me. "You think we should start getting ready now?" "After this is over." "Sounds good."

I don't know what happened. I used to be a slave to punctuality. I was actually early most of the time, if you can imagine such a thing. I was the one who would wait for the Laties. I was the one who built 15 extra minutes into the schedule just in case I couldn't find parking. I liked being the first one there. You get the pleasure of rolling your eyes and sighing and looking pointedly at your watch when the other person rushes in out of breath and looking sheepish. You see opening bands and movie previews. You get a seat at the bar. I love to sit. Sitting rules.

But no matter how hard I try, I just cannot be on time anymore. This morning? 45 minutes late for work.

It was totally the CTA's fault, though.


I'm late! I'm late! For a very important date!
Or, you know, all of them.
•   •   •   •   •   •
Second date with Concert Josh tonight - dinner and then we're going to the Empty Bottle to see the latest pinup boys of indie, The Hold Steady. I adore this band. They're odd and unexpected and hilarious, and their live sets are a raucous, rawking good time. Craig Finn doesn't so much sing as spew the songs out, and his writing is so crisp and clever and profuse that the whole spectacle is almost overwhelming. But in a good way. Kind of like an ice cream headache. Mmmm, ice cream.

"Your Little Hoodrat Friend"
"The Swish"

Bye Bye Baby

If you are in/near Chicago, you are invited to this:

(click to enlarge, duh)

Having A Blog Does Not Actually Make You An "Interactive Copywriter"

And now we know.