My Inner Child: Guest Blogger

Oh my gosh you guys! This weekend was the most funnest thing EVER. Me and Wendi and Dylan and Olivia and Olivia's friend Sophie went to see my mom and dad in Michigan, and there is a lot of good stuff to do out there in the country.

Every single day we played in the dirt, which is something grown-ups call "landscaping." And we went for long walks and we picked and eated wild strawberries. Those are just like real strawberries except they're little and they don't even come from the grocery store. You just find them right on the ground! We also found a BUNCH of wild mushrooms and we cooked 'em up and eated them too. Oh, and I saw a stupid dumb turtle. It scared the crap out of me 'cause I was picking strawberries and I didn't even see that thing until my hand was right by its stupid dumb head, and then I screamed a lot and runned away. I might have also wet my pants a little. Their heads look just like snakes!

Other things we did were play baseball and cook cinnamon rolls and pig out on pizza, and every night we stayed up real late and then we had a slumber party with a bunch of girls all smushed into one bed because Mom said if we don’t like it we can just go stay at the Holiday Inn for crying out loud. They have a pool there, so good idea!

My best thing was when we went to the park, and everybody swinged on the swings, even my dad. Then he spinned us on the merry-go-round and we went so fast I just about flew off and I got so dizzy I almost barfed. It was awesome. Then we went to watch the movie of Madagascar but it was pretty dumb. I like Wal*Mart because we got this new game for the X-Box and it was about racing cars and crashing into things. Errrrrrrrrk! BOOM! I beat everyone. Well, I beat Dylan. Boys are poop.

Hey, guess what else we did! C'mon, just guess. Gueeeeeeeessss. Okay, you give up? Huh? Give up now? I'll tell you what we did: we PLAYED with PUPPIES, that's what! They are my brother's puppies called Sadie and Cooper and those things are CRAZY. They run and run and run and they never even get tired. Plus they will just about lick your face off. This one time they licked right inside my mouth and boy was that gross. Because those things lick their own heinys, that's why.

Too bad it's time to go do boring stupid dumb grown-up stuff now, like GO TO MEETINGS and PAY THE BILLS and LAUGH AT PARIS HILTON. It's nice and sunshiney out so I think we should all go to the beach instead.

Bye,

Mini Me

Breakfast of Champions

Best way to start the day: mimosas, fruit-topped goat cheese and shortbread cookies. I love you, Friday.



* * * * * *
On The Short Bus
Memo to whoever found my blog this way: I do not appreciate it.

Date Recap
Wayne Coyne is crazy, Concert Josh is cool, $4 pizzas are friggin' enormous.

Already?
I may have put too much champagne in the mimosas. I'm typing funny.

Dating For Dumbasses

Dearest Chicago Red Eye:

Thanks so much for the weekly Laura Baron Casual Sex column! I found this week's foray into the world of online dating particularly compelling and insightful. With the help of Laura's brilliant tips, I plan on creating an online dating profile that will net tens of responses!

First of all, I'm glad she told me that an interesting profile headline will make people think I'm interesting. That's valuable information right there! Then she covers the whole "personality" thing with "if Fabio says it, you shouldn't." Ha ha! He's cheesy and that's funny! I think I just pulled something laughing! Oh, Laura, you scamp.

Reading on, I discovered that the naked pictures on my profile will also have to come down. I thought it was a good idea to put photos of my hoo-ha on the internets for perfect strangers to ogle - thank goodness Laura was there to tell me it's not.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that this article really spoke to me, in no small part because of the hip & happenin' lingo Laura uses: "Cyberdating can juice up your social life -- with an honest profile and a ready 'tude." My 'tude is so ready! And I didn't know we could use that word anymore! Because the 90's are over! And only Ian Zeiring ever really said it anyway!

Soooo, I'm off to conquer the world of online dating now. Wish me luck! (Like I'll need it ;-))

Your pal,

TR

Say Whuh?

There are drawbacks to dating someone who reads your blog. The most obvious is that you can't talk shit about him the next day, even if he does/says/wears something that just begs to be mocked. You can't regulate the flow of information - a quick browse through your archives and he has insider information on your evil ex, that embarassing incident with the plunger, and what your favorite pair of undies looks like. Dating someone else? He knows all about it (and doesn't really appreciate it, FYI). But the hardest part about dating someone who reads your blog is: what the hell do you have to talk about?

ME: So I was on the train the other day and this guy just-
DATE: Yeah yeah, he blew his nose on his hand, I know. I read it.
ME: Oh. Right.

The more pressing issue, of course, might be the fact that I'm discussing snot on a first date, but let's save that one for another time, mm-kay? The fact is, I have a date tonight and I've got absopooply nuthin to say. One of my smart bloggie friends says I should ask him about himself, which is a novel and interesting idea. Hmm. Talk about something other than me? Well it's worth a try! Tune in tomorrow to find out whether I pulled it off. Or, you know, not.

The Boob Tube
I hear there were a bunch of big season finales on TV last night and somebody won American Idle or something. I don't know, I taped the Cary Grant biography thing instead. Look at me, I watch PBS! I'm too good for network TV! Aren't you impressed? But listen, did y'all know Cary Grant was a big ole bisexual? Plus, he took a crapload of acid and got Timothy Leary into LSD. Now tell me that doesn't sound more exciting than a bunch of people floating around on a raft.

Oh, and if any of you watched the Amber Frye movie, please stop reading and slap yourself immediately. Thanks.

* * * * * *
I Love My Hot Russian Friend

Sorry boys, this saucy minx is getting hitched

The Spark That Bled
Tonight's festivities with Concert Josh start off with a documentary about big-balloon-bouncing fake-blood-wearing whackjobs, The Flaming Lips. Can't. WAIT.
"Felt Good to Burn"
"Yoshimi"

it was all the rage, it was all the fashion

Porn Bread

How much would the other parents freak out if I made these for the next bake sale, do you think?

Train Boyfriend II

Since I corn-plain about the el regularly in this space, I thought it might be a nice change of pace to talk about something pleasant that happened to me on the train. Namely, THE PRETTIEST MAN IN SHEEKAGO SITTING HIS FINE ASS DOWN NEXT TO ME THIS MORNING. Hoo boy, the hottness. I mean, yum. Also: !!!!!!!!! He was dressed kind of nerdy (note to the fellas: Dockers don't do nobody no favors) but underneath the blue buttondown lurked true Rhett Miller Rockstar Potential -- big pouty lips, long eyelashes, sexxy hands. And he was reading! An actual book! Without pictures! And I bet he has a job! And our legs and arms were touching! And it was a very comfortable space-sharing arrangement! And when he got up to let me off, I very nearly kissed him right on the mouth!

These kinds of things should happen to me more often.

Fripperies
Is it unitelligible spam or a secret message? You decide!

VlAnd so, joined now by the other stragglers, and numbering in all aAGRA ClALBut unfortunately, sir uncle, he is a little efore him in all those wild years of filibustering.

for VERY REASONABLE PRlCEmy ways are not the ways of Levasseur, who should have stayed inS. With eAnd against whom should he be in action but against friends of oursach purchase you get Top quaIidressed without fripperies, and bore with him an air of vigorousty

Just try us and you will not be diwith other things, that the fellow seemed suddenly to stiffen, andsappointed!

Ah, all those wild years of filibustering. Now they bore me with their air of vigorousty. How andsappointing!

BUSTED
Ruh-roh. Someone put this sign on my office door last night:

How have I not been fired yet?

Secret Messages

• I'm really mad at one of my friends but she doesn't know.
• It's complete crap but I'll probably still watch that damn Britney Spears show tonight.
• I once used a bidet as a refrigerator because I didn't know any better.
• I have a crush on someone reading this blog.
• On average, I work between 2-3 hours a day.
• I love both of my kids but I do have a favorite.
• The underwear I'm wearing today are from Wal*Mart.
• I didn't actually quit smoking.

Weekend Update

LOCAL BRIEFS
Attending House Party Terrible Idea
Beer bong and Jello shots not so fun when you're thirty

Catholic Education Good For Something
Two catchy church songs busted out at bar, old-fashioned singalong ensues

Logic, Math Fail Redhead
Cute bartender tipped ten bucks for three free beers

$2.50 Ill-Spent At Thrift Store

Ad Agency Snack Budget Cut, Everybody Loses


SPORTS
Cubs Drop 2 Out Of 3, City Yawns
Cutie-pie Jon Garland only interesting thing about baseball right now

POLITICS
President Bush Prepares to Do Next Really Stupid Thing
Prom fetuses across the country feel totally useless, sit at home eating bon bons and watching Ellen

OP-ED
- Halitosis: Funny Word, Serious Problem
- Diet Coke With Splenda Tastes Like Draino
- Hey, Come Back! I Was Adjusting My Nose Ring, I Swear
- Don't Ever Pinch My Lovehandles

Army Barbie: Guest Blogger

Hi everybody! My old Army buddy Tequila Red asked me if I could fill in for her today since she' s waaaaay too busy with all her important work stuff. She said it might look like she was taking a nap on the floor of her office but really she's resting her eyes and thinking some creative thoughts so if I could please shut my fat trap and let her do it that would be great. Shhhh!

Okay. So I don't know if you heard all about this women in combat stuff because for whatever reason it wasn't on the news too much, but I think it's really important and so I'd like to take this opportunity to bring you up to speed.

So like there are these old white dudes in Congress? I think they're called "Republicans"? Anyway, they were trying to pass this really stupid bill that would take girls out of Army combat support jobs. Even though like 22,000 of us are doing those jobs already. Because I guess you're only good at pulling a trigger if you have testicular virility or something. Oh, and if you're straight.

ANYWAYS, my BFF Cynthia McKinney read this retarded bill and was all like, "WTF, assholes?!" and she got into a fight with some other Congressers and it was kind of awesome. And then she voted HELL NO on the Bill of StoOpiDness but she was the only one. And 60-1 was looking kind of bad, so I was bummed. But then I guess some bigshot Army dudes were all, "Uh, hey guys? Hi, we don't really have that many people who want to join the Army right now because they'd probably have to come over here and get shot at, so maybe sending a bunch of our peeps back to the kitchen to be barefoot and preggeroo ain't the best move. You think?" And then the House Armed Services Committee dudes were all, "Eh, whatever. We can't pay for any of the crap in this bill anyway." So yesterday they took out that part about how all those girls couldn't do the jobs they were already doing. Whew!

(Oh, but if girls want to do NEW jobs, Congress will have to pass laws to say that's coolio. And so Congress would probably not have to be all full of old white Republican guys. Limited Edition Voting Barbie could fill you in more about that, I think.)

Anyhoodle, that's about all I have time for today. I told my ex I'd pick him up and drive him to his Narcotics Anonymous meeting and I was supposed to be there like twenty minutes ago. Whatever, he always complains about showing up at those things in a pink jeep anyway. The only reason I even take him at all is because I feel sort of bad that I got the Malibu Dream House and he lives in that shitty camper. But that's another story for another time. Gotta run, kids! TTFN!

Hugs & Kisses,

Army Barbie

My Ego Gets a Little Action

"You have ONE new message. First message:"

"Um, hi, Kari? This is Random Bar Dude. We met on New Year's Eve? I know that was a long time ago, but I was just sitting here with my friend Jason looking at pictures from that night and I thought we had a lot of fun. So I was hoping you'd reconsider going out with me. This is weird, isn't it. Okay, I know this is weird. But I really think we should go out. You'll have to call me though, because I CANNOT call you again after this. But I just.... I think we should go out. On a date. Okay? And if not, then I hope you have a really great life. Okay, that was gay. Sorry about that. God, this is the worst message ever. Anyway, call me! Because we had a lot of fun that one time and I really want to take you out, so ... call me. Random Bar Dude, 561-XXXX. Call me? Okay. Bye."

"End of message. Press 7 to delet-"

Ha ha, whatever, you know I saved that shit. Believe it or not it was actually kind of ... endearing. I mean, I definitely can't go out with him, because of the crazy, but you have to give the guy props for effort. And for his excellent taste in women. Well played, Random Bar Dude. Now lose my number.

Nanoo Nanoo

Your Boobies' Names Are: Mork and Mindy

Ladies, what are your Boobies Named?

Pop Quiz

Why did my morning suck a biggie? Take this quiz and find out!

1. Totally oversleeping means you'll probably have to skip:

a) showering
b) doing your hair
c) feeding your child breakfast
d) both a & c but never b

2. The Trib's Redeye "newspaper" is:

a) perfect reading material for your morning commute
b) a total trashrag
c) a total trashrag you somehow end up with every damn day because the guy handing it out for free in front of the Brown Line station gets all huffy and makes rude comments under his breath about people being "too good for stuff" when you try to walk by without taking one

3. Couples who cuddle and kiss on the train:

a) are adorable
b) are annoying
c) should be shot

4. The Trixie who informs her boyfriend - in front of everyone on the el - that all their friends call him "a total stud":

a) is lying
b) is getting paid
c) should be shot

5. The guy who stands next to your seat and blows a positively rancid something-must-have-DIED-up-in-there fart:

a) probably couldn't help it
b) probably could've held it
c) has no business looking offended when you frantically wave the air with your free Redeye and make loud gagging noises
d) should be shot

6. The guy who wipes his nose with his hand, catches a giant snot string, drips it down the front of his shirt and then wipes the whole mess on his pants:

a) needs a tissue
b) needs to turn around
c) just made me throw up a little in my mouth
d) should be shot

7. Everyone on the train:

a) should be shot
b) should be shot
c) should be shot
d) all of the above

BONUS QUESTION
Blogging when you should be working is:

a) no big deal
b) not the wisest use of your time
c) fine as long as you don't have a meeting in ten minutes and absolutely nothing to present
d) oh crap

* * * * * *
Real quick-like:

I don't give a flip about the Star Wars Sith(?) Movie Extravaganza - I'll be holding down a barstool at the Globe Pub tonight, personally, because waiting in line is for chumps - but from what I hear this is kind of a big deal. Or something. So hey, why not check out your Star Wars Horoscope! Yeah, I don't know. I lost interest like two sentences ago. It's kind of funny though.

Star Wars Horoscope for Aries

Like many aries, you have demonstrated your penchant for inflicting pain. You feel you are at the center of the universe and that you must be in control. You enjoy being a leader... and you find that your aggression and quick temper serve you well. Star wars character you are most like: The Emperor

What's Your Star Wars Horoscope?

In the Hood

I live in a really great Chicago neighborhood: leafy tree-lined streets, an outstanding school, and friendly folks who only occasionally piss me off with their non-parking non-skillz (HINT: one car only requires ONE SPACE, stupidhead). But no matter how tranquil everyday life can seem, it's important not to forget that this is still the Big Bad City. Sometimes you need a gentle reminder. See Exhibits A & B:


This says that some jag is sitting in his car, waiting for women to walk by alone, then chasing them, stealing their purses, knocking them down and driving off.


This says that somebody needed some extra parts for their bike. Like all of them.

I passed both this morning on my way to the train. Other bad things that have happened on this street include a crazy man running up and punching me in the head, some thug trying to carjack me at gunpoint, and the worst $10 haircut in follicular history. (Confidential to Supercuts: thanks for NOTHING, drunktards.)

* * * * * *
Stick a Fork In It, Perry Ferrell
Everyone's least favoritest local music snots, the moppets at Pitchfork, somewhat redeemed themselves yesterday by revealing an indie-licious line up for their Intonation Music Fest. So I've decided to channel the money I was going to spend on a Lollapalooza ticket into a two-day Intonation pass instead, which leaves me with approximately $78 leftover in beer funds. Sweet!

SATURDAY, JULY 16, 2005
Tortoise / Death From Above 1979 / The Go! Team / Broken Social Scene / Four Tet / Magnolia Electric Company / AC Newman / Beans Featuring The Holy Fuck / The M’s / Head of Femur

Intonation Music Festival
SUNDAY, JULY 17, 2005
The Decemberists / Les Savy Fav / The Wrens / Deerhoof / Andrew Bird / Out Hud / Xiu Xiu / Dungen

Advance tickets go on sale here tomorrow at noon. Who's in?

* * * * * *
Best Google Search On My Referral Logs Right Now
james+spader+cuddles+with+man
If someone could pls send me that picture right away, I'd be most appreciative. Thanks.

* * * * * *
ZZZZZZZ

baby Micaela thought this entire post was a total snooze

UPDATE: people who like cute babies, click here.

So Infantile

Happy Hour came to an untimely end on Friday when Sugar and I let it get a little too bizarro for my nice normal co-workers.

SUGAR: You know, the thing that really burns me about that guy is he thinks he's so superior. It's like, hey, I wasn't born yesterday.
TEQUILA RED: Hi, I was born 5 minutes ago!
SUGAR: Heh. I was born just now in the bathroom!
TEQUILA RED: I was just born in the bathroom at the prom! I'm a prom fetus!
SUGAR: Ha ha!
TEQUILA RED: Hee hee!
SUGAR: "Prom fetus"!
TEQUILA RED: I know!
SUGAR: HA HA HA HA.
TEQUILA RED: HA HA HA HA HA.
SUGAR & TEQUILA RED: HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
CO-WORKERS: CHECK PLEASE.

The fetus faux pas occured approximately 2 margaritas into the evening, much earlier than usual.

* * * * * * *
More Weekend News:

Sister Shows Off Absolutely Adorable Baby
Camera-Phone's Failure to Charge Last Night Bitter Disappointment
Pictures forthcoming, family peeps.

* * * * * * *
Redheadz Rawk
As I may have mentioned once or twice before, I am madly in love with Jenny Lewis. I adore everyone in Rilo Kiley but I want to BE Jenny Lewis. Tonight they play a sold out show at the Metro, which means I'll be spending the next several hours constantly refreshing the tickets page of Craigslist. Stupid every paper in Chicago, stop telling the whole world to go to this show.

Two Rilo Kiley songs Are Better Than One:
1. "A Better Son/Daughter"
2. "Does He Love You?"

JOB OPENING

Now accepting applications for the position of BEST FRIEND.

Join the Tequila Red Inner Circle for boozing, theme parties, and platonic debauchery throughout the Chicagoland area! Primary BEST FRIEND responsibilities include expressing sympathy at the state of my lovelife, picking me up when I call from jail, and telling me I'm pretty. Basic Wingman Skills required. Must be able to mix drinks, talk smack, and cockblock annoying Chads at the bar. Latin American a plus.

Tequila Red offers a generous Friends w/o Benefits Package that includes instant social prestige, annual birthday cards, frequent blog appearances, and unfettered access to my CD collection. Think you have what it takes to be my BEST FRIEND? Apply in person, or send two (2) recent photos and an ex-girlfriend character reference to tequilared@bust.com today!

E.O.E. & B.Y.O.B.

Please Note: Dipshits, cowards, and dudes with crazy girlfriends who pretend to like me but actually hate me out of some misguided sense of jealousy to the point where they refuse to attend social events if I'm there and demand you "have a talk" with me because I had the audacity to ask you for a small favor, thereby effectively putting the kibosh on EIGHT YEARS OF FRIENDSHIP, will not be considered.

I Hope There's Cake

According to the company newsletter, today is my birthday. May 12. Apparently I've been celebrating it on the wrong day for all these 30 years. How very silly of me! A big THANK YOU to my company for setting me straight. You guys might have dropped the ball on the raise front, but I knew you still cared!


Uh ... I guess.

Presents, Redux
If you're looking for that perfect birthday (again) gift, allow me to make some suggestions:

1. Deerhoof tickets and a babysitter
2. Autographed photo of Dean Haglund
3. Phone number of a good headhunter


Deerhoof: Didn't that bitch just have a birthday? WTF?

Update: Thanks for the cake, Suzann!

Idiot in Aisle Nine

The grocery store is one of the worst possible places to bump into someone you know. I believe this for two reasons: 1) As a rule, I look totally nast at the grocery store - who can be bothered to tart it up just to go buy Doritos? - and 2) I'm weird about people checking out the eats in my cart. Not that I have something to hide, but sometimes I do.

So yesterday when I ran into an acquaintance of the formerly-dated persuasion at the Jewel, I suddenly slipped into giant spaz mode. It was the last aisle of the store, so of course all my fruits, veggies, whole grain breads, organic cereals and fancy cheeses were hidden below ice cream bars and Cheetos. Damn. Why did I have to grab the MegaHuge 24 pack of toilet paper? Why did I let Olivia talk me into this horrid TV dinner? Should I mention that thing he wrote in his blog? He said he sometimes still reads mine, so it's probably okay. Hey, where did these Fruit Roll Ups come from? Did I remember to get tampons? Is he really only buying paper towels and a salad? Why is that so cute?

The whole thing was over and done with in two minutes, but I'm pretty sure it was enough to reinforce the popular opinion that I'm a complete social retard. Plus, when I glanced in the rearview mirror later there was a huge black smudge on my cheek and my hair looked like a greasetrap.



Dang, I totally forgot to buy tampons.

It's All About Me

» I have 39 cents in my bank account. Today is Tuesday. Payday is Friday. Currently working on "Will blog for food" cardboard sign and thinking of things to sell on Craigslist. (cat?)

» Apparently I developed allergies at some point in the last 24 hours. Breathing is now known as "that fun thing I used to do."

» I just laughed for 15 minutes straight at the whole Renee Zelleweger-Kenny Chesney wedding thing. Those wacky celebs! Their crazyass love lives! P.S. Damien, call me!

» I wonder who is reading my blog in Australia.

» That dead bat I saw on the sidewalk on the way home yesterday inspired some seriously effed up, Cujo-rrific nightmares later on.

Rabieeeee-eeeeeee-eeeeees!

» I like this T&S mash up on stereogum a whole lot better than the original.

» I can only think of 31 Things.

» I could wander around this guy's photo blog all day long. His friend Bill is super hot.

» House of Wax was pretty much the worst $9 I ever spent.

I feel ya, girl.

» Sometimes I really don't feel like writing in this blog. This is one of those times. Can you tell?

Craigslist Speaks the Truth

is your car gay? - 22
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: anon-72261660@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-05-08, 11:20AM CDT

I haven't read all of these postings (thank god) but has anyone stopped to ask what kind of car this is? I mean, maybe it is a totally gay car thereby making these rants pointless. do you drive a geo? a neon? a saturn? a kia? if you do, your car is totally homosexual, so deal with it.

Re: hipster girls
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: anon-72434975@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-05-09, 12:37PM CDT

Hipster girls generally prefer hipster guys, especially hipster guys who are in bands. At very least you have to like the same bands they like and hate the same bands they hate.

You say you are a nerd: if you are a music-nerd you might have a chance, but otherwise you are probably screwed. Sorry.

RE: To the single moms...
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: anon-72320151@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-05-08, 6:44PM CDT

Single moms also tend to be really good in bed, on one end act like they haven't had sex in years, on the other end they are ballsy and won't take shit from a man, which I appreciate in any woman. You can't have sex with single moms as often, but when you do, its awesome!

Pretty as a Penny

Getting to the venue retarded-early paid off Saturday night with free crappy beer and primo floorspace. Then it was Front Row Reunion Time, when you look around and realize you know all the people around you from past shows because you are all giant nerds. Best: my cute blond 22 year old college boyfriend was there looking all tall and saucy and springing for drinks an' shit. Too bad for me, he's graduating in two weeks and moving to flipping California. Stupid college boyfriends, growing up and stuff. Note to self: get to them sooner.

The show itself was BRILLIANT, natch. The boys covered all the old albums instead of just playing the new stuff, hit the classic faves and then threw in some presents for kicks, basically thrilling me right down to my tippy toes.


Crappy camera phone pic of my boooyfren

Post show, Wendi and I talked to Ken about random shit for a good half hour, said wassup to Phil, fondled Murry's new haircut, and snuggled up to beautiful, beautiful Rhett.


Redhead Rhett sammich

Oh, and I was going to tell you about the part where he said he has pictures of his baby in a lil outfit we bought him, but that kind of makes us look like stalkers so I'm gonna leave it out.

Saturday Night with the 97's:

Stomp a Mudhole in Your Heart

There is one band my friends and I totally and unapologetically nerd out over. We go early and stand in line to claim front row spots; we know all the words to all the songs and sing along with gusto. We ply the band with presents, take pictures with them, and generally act like big fat groupies, dudes included. This band is the Old 97's and if you don't love them I feel sorry for the sad empty life you must lead.



Once I missed a 97's show because I had to go to stupid New York on stupid business, and my friends called my cell phone constantly so I could at least hear it. For two hours, I walked up and down 5th Avenue and listened to what would later be deemed "the best show ever." (* grrr rabble scrabble job*) I still have "Valentine" in my voice mailbox.


Sweaty Rhett mmmMmm

Sometimes when they play Chicago, Rhett will also do an in-store appearance and then my kids can get in on the fun. They LOVE the Old 97's and only partly because I force them to at gunpoint. During Rhett's last in-store, he played a song for Olivia ("Four-Eyed Girl"), a request for Dylan ("Lonely Holiday"), and a request for me ("Murder"). I tell you, he loves us. It is mutual.

At Borders with Rhett in '02

Dear Ken, Murry, Rhett and Phil:
See you tomorrow night!
xox,
Tequila Red
P.S. EEEEEEEEEEE!

Become One of Us:
"Rollerskate Skinny"
"Doreen"
"Four Leaf Clover"
"Indefinitely"
"Big Brown Eyes"
"Wish the Worst"
"Bel Air"
"Stoned"

I Beg to Differ

Oh ladies. You knew I wouldn't be able to let this slide without a rebuttal, right? Now, I'm not one to stereotype (HA HA HA HA! Ahem.) but I'm afraid you've forced my hand here. I give you:

5 Reasons To Stop Dating Silly Boys
1. They hate talking to you on the phone. I don't mean hours-long marathon phone sessions where you tell each other your secret dreams and fears. No, I mean CALLING YOU. EVER. Given a choice, boys will choose email and text messages over a phone call every single time. A girlfriend of mine was once dumped after a two year relationship VIA TEXT MESSAGE. At WORK. That sux, yo.

2. They eat all your food and drink all your beer. Because you guys always hang out at your house, because really, who wants to visit that disgusting hovel he lives in? When was the last time he washed those sheets, do you think?

3. They think all your favorite movies are stupid. Have you ever tried to make a guy watch Breakfast at Tiffany's? Man in the Moon? Or - god forbid - Say Anything? Boyfriend is asleep before the previews are over, or else off in the corner flipping through US Weekly for pictures of Angelina Jolie in a swimsuit. So unless your favorite movie is Fletch, forget it.

4. They stink up your bathroom.

5. Their friends are idiots. Try to remember the last time you actually, actively liked the dudes your dude runs with. Yeah, me neither. His friends are either tools who talk too loud, make obnoxious jokes and stare at your rack, or they're hot and you kind of want to bang them. Frankly, it's a lose-lose.

I could go on (sock balls all over the floor, beard burn on your unmentionables, and hockey) but I'd rather not talk myself out of dating again ever, thanksanyway. I just felt obligated to provide the other perspective. Pretty single boys reading this and itching to prove me wrong, please email at once. Thank you.

The Best $5 I Ever Spent

Last fall, I bought a pair of Chanel knockoff sunglasses from a street vendor in Vegas. They're oversized Olsen Twins Sunglasses of Hugeness and they are magical. No lie: magic. When I put these puppies on, wonderful things happen. Twice in the past week, a random dude has offered me his seat on the train for no apparent reason. [Feminist Tequila Red: "I'll stand, but thanks anyway." Lazy Tequila Red: "Woman, sit down before I slap your face off."] I slip these glasses on and suddenly men are opening doors and holding elevators, bus drivers wave me on for free, the kids behind the counter at Mickey D's pack my Filet-O-Fish with a certain reverence. I get double-takes on Michigan Avenue, and miscellaneous strangers flash friendly smiles. It's like walking around inside a Disney commercial.

If I ever get mugged I'll happily hand over my debit card, my cell phone and my car keys. But you ain't getting these sunglasses without a fight.


MK rocks the shades
- Fug Boyfriend sold separate -

* * * * * *
Confidential to Sugar:

I got flowers at work this week and they're from a girl! Phase one of Plan Lezbionic is complete.

xox,
TR

flowers of pride - pretty!

Commutercize

And the Multitasker of the Day Award goes to...

the woman doing aerobics high kicks while waiting for the Irving Park bus. Congratulations, crazy lady!


Sure I'm late for work, but check out these thighs!

CTA Buns of Steel Playlist
"Sister Saviour" - The Rapture
M.I.A. "Galang"
"The Power is On" - Go! Team
"Let's Go Bang" - Jen Love Hewitt (special for Wendi)
"Cameltoe" - Fannypack

Cut Off

Pretty, pretty music last night at Schubas, when my Scottish boyfriends the Trashcan Sinatras serenaded a small-but-loyal crowd. Highlights: terrible, horrible, godawful dancing somehow makes cute hipster boy even cuter; Frank continues to be my soul mate; this song becomes personal mantra.

Bizarro Conversation of the Night
On my second trip to the bar, the bartender saw me coming and reached for the fridge. "Stella, right?"
"Actually, I think I'll just have a water."
"Good." He looked relieved. "Boy, I'm glad it's just a water."
"Why? Are you out of Stella?"
"No."

Um ... okay. But what?
Schubas: Where, if you've had one drink, you've had enough.