A Sugar Rush & A Celeb

What I've Eaten Today:

1 donut
2 toffee chocolate chip cookies
1 brownie with frosting and M&Ms

Who I Spotted On the Street:


The Rev. Al Sharpton


Me and Nichelle unsuccessfully stalking the Rev. Al Sharpton

Halloween Costume Idea

Step 1. Print this picture. Cut out face and eyeholes. Tie strings to ears to make mask.

Step 2. Buy this outfit. Replace 'A' on helmet with giant 'F'.

Step 3. Spend all night blaming everything on everyone else. Deflect responsibility with magic shield. Call everyone "dysfunctional" and point finger a lot.

NOTE: Avoid anyone wearing Saints jerseys, African Americans, Democrats, some Republicans, people with a southern accent, and Kathleen Blanco.

OPTIONAL: Dress up your significant other as George Bush. Make out a lot.

My Three Psychos

Chicago is a big city full of many eccentric, interesting people. Sometimes you get so used to seeing and hearing weird things that you pretty much become immune to it. And sometimes you couldn't block out the weirdness if you tried.

Here are three things that happened to me today:

Jesus Saves
At many of the city's busier intersections, men walk up and down between lanes of cars selling cold bottles of water, usually for $1. This afternoon I was waiting for a light to change when one of these guys made a beeline for my car. I started to tell him that I didn't have any money, but he waved me off, saying, "No, no, this is free." He pulled a folded piece of paper from his pocket and slipped it into my hand. "It's never too late to accept Jesus into your heart," he said. I was confused. Did I look like a heathen? Or worse - did I look OLD? Then I glanced down at the paper.



Oh. I look like a druggie. Super!

World's Worst Friend
Cell conversation overheard on the L: "I told her, Look, I know this is your first baby and everything, but seriously: SHUT THE FUCK UP." This girl then spent the rest of the ride describing a skirt she saw at TJ MAXX.

Scooter Rage
I'm waiting for my turn at a stop sign on Damen when I notice a motorscooter pulling up hell-for-leather behind me. In the rearview mirror I can see that he is shouting something, but it's impossible to make out the words. Until he pulls around to my passenger side. Leaning into the open window he screams, "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY YOU COCKSUCKER!" very nearly causing me to pee myself. While I try to figure out if I accidentally cut him off or something, he moves up to the next car. "MOVE YOUR CANDY ASS, YA FUCKIN TURD!" he yells at the poor girl inside. He pulls up to the truck ahead of her. "DON'T EVEN ACT LIKE YOU DIDN'T FUCKIN HEAR ME BITCH!" Then he gives us all the finger and speeds away. As fast as a scooter will speed, anyway.

Honorable Weirdo Mention: the man changing his pants in front of god and everyone at the bus stop yesterday morning. Nice boxers!

Fri - Mon

Friday AM Meeting In Suburbs Followed By Afternoon at Co-Worker's House
"Working from home" involves beer and cigarettes, trip to Ikea

Sanity Lost for 6.3 Seconds
Cute new baby causes uterus to twinge

Angry Woman Compared to "Drunk Cat"
Another TequilaDad catch-phrase is born

Concert Josh Sends Flowers
A dozen perfect roses accidentally delivered to wrong address; fetched from Skokie at 8 PM


Dad, Daughter Don Coordinated Shirts
Two out of three nerds say matching is A-OK!


Presents From Tokyo
Local 8 year old sushi-hater receives second set of Hello Kitty chopsticks; Boy eats body weight in mysterious candy

Man On Train Makes Unfortunate Decision Regarding Torn Pants

Split seam + white thread = nerd (click to enlarge)

I'm Cheating

And posting two Half-Nekkid pictures today.



This one is for FatMike, who also has a tongue ring, but doesn't dig babies.

Happy HNT

...to a little lady born three days ago.


my brand new niece, as nekkid as the day ... well, you know.

Happy Blogiversary

Yesterday Tequila Red turned 1 year old. So, in true narcissist blogger fashion, I've pulled together a little list of highlights from the past 12 months. Or as I like to call it, "Hey, remember when my blog was good?" Enjoy!

Reader's Choice Award
The post everyone mentions when they say they like my blog:
"10 Classes I Need To Take"

Best Post Starring Jesus
"Good Lord"

The Clueless Award
"Michigan Guy Brings The Crazy"

Worst Date. EVER.
"The Reviews Are In"

Funniest Drunk Dial
"The Tiny Little Man Song"

Best Undergarments In a Supporting Role
You decide:
Top half or bottom half (ignore hideous picture, scroll down, click link)

Post Most Hated By My Dad, Besides That Last One
"Holy Rollin'"

The Boys
The who's who of making out with me:
> The Ferrari
> Tall Drink of Hottness
> Chadtastic
> Train Boyfriend
> Wolfman
> John Dynamite
> Early Josh
> Concert Josh

Best Post Title
"Oh No They Dion'nt!"

Best Post That Accidentally Ruined A Really Good Friendship
...but taught me a lot about Photoshop

Best Picture


Best Fake Legal Documentation
"500 Feet, Missy"

Best Guest Blogger
"Army Barbie"

My Favorite Post
It's sappy and sentimental and not very Tequila Red. "A Saturday In September"

Looking back I really miss how my blog used to be more about my life and less about See How Funny I Can Be?! So I think we'll be getting back to that.

Just as soon as work stops draining my will to live.

Happy Birthday, Tequila Red.

Hump THIS

It's 10:30 AM and my office door is closed. Slammed, really. iTunes is blasting anger music about shitlists and retard girls . I've already screamed at one of my co-workers. Several more have gotten the Crazy Eyes. My clients are all horrible people who deserve to be tortured at length by a sadistic serial killer in the secret basement chamber of a nondescript suburban home. My computer has crashed twice. There are at least 200 hours of work on my desk right now and everything is due next Friday. My VCR cut off the last 5 minutes of Gilmore Girls, a huge hulking condo unit is going to be built in my back yard, and Patrick Leahy is a giant penis.

So, how's your day?

Feminists Need Love Too

from the ladies at planned parenthood, to our anonmyous donor - w4m
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Reply to: anon-98828108@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-09-20, 3:04PM CDT

You stopped in today at our LaSalle and Division location and shyly gave an unsolicited $200 donation. We were all overwhelmed by your generosity, and very curious as to what we did to deserve it. Thank you for giving us something to wonder about, and for restoring our optimism, if breifly. And thank you on behalf of our patients for your support.
--Planned parenthood staff.
p.s we think you're cute.

Tip of the Day

Do not refer to your friend's wife or girlfriend as "his yak."

If you do this and a woman overhears you, rest assured that you will not be having sex with this woman for quite a while.


I have a headache. Ass.

Other Things Women Do Not Enjoy Being Called:
The Old Lady
Tits
What's-Her-Bucket
Meat Bag
The Beav
Hag
Slag
Snatch
Pooty
Dude

It's a Girl

My second niece in six months! Welcome to the world, Peyton Marie. Hugs and love from your favorite Aunt Kari.

Congratulations, B & Nic!

Bursting

Happy Birthday, Wendi! For your present I'm sending you my appendix. I'm actually going to the emergency room right now to see if they'll cut out because it hurts so bad I wish I was dead. Seriously. Happy 26th!

xoxo,
Your Sister

I Know We're Cool

Chicago folk: meet me and Concert Josh at the Vic for the cheapo double feature!

Mr. & Mrs. Smith 8 PM
Lords of Dogtown 10 PM
$5

Speaking of Concert Josh...

The Boyfriend Update
Yes, I still have a boyfriend. For a little while last week I didn't, but now things seem to be back on track. I dropped the B-word for the first time in front of the ex-husband the other day. Not only was he fine with it, he asked if my Boyfriend and I wanted to go out to the country with him and the kids and his brother's family in a few weeks for pumpkin picking and hayrides. How very Gwen Stefani - Tony Kanal of us. Seriously, I have like the healthiest divorce ever. It's weird.

Paper Hat Guy

I've never seen him myself, but the man is building quite a legend for himself in the Craigslist Missed Connections.

to the man with paper hats
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Reply to: anon-97239065@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-09-13, 10:42AM CDT

You handed me and several others a paper hat you made on the redline going south towards the loop today. You got off at fullerton around 10am. Thank you. Although I couldnt wear it on the train I got to my office and took my hair down and will wear it all day. Thank you. Your gesture of kindness and I geuss silliness would fit as the word, simply made my day. It doesn't take much to make or break a strangers day. So thank you for this simple gesture. We need more people like you in the world.

man with paper hats on red line
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Reply to: anon-97634759@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-09-14, 11:04PM CDT

tonight at 4:45 i got on at fullerton and you had outfitted the whole car with pointy newspaper hats and continued to make and distribute them until you got off at grand. thank you! such irrational acts of beauty are too rare. i know you brought a lot of joy to others there too.

RE: man with paper hats on red line
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Reply to: anon-97677201@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-09-15, 8:48AM CDT

Wow, now I'm don't feel so crazy. Last night I got on at Clark/Division and sat in that "cubby hole" seat that's away from everyone, near the conductor's box. When I got off at Addison a bunch of people were wearing paper hats and I could tell that they were prob not people who knew each other. They were just reading or quietly minding their own business. I thought I was in the Twilight Zone! So that guy had done this at least twice.

Then someone posted a picture:



I love it.

Discovery Center - Fall Session!

Chicago's Lifelong Learning Center has a new fall catalogue just brimming with super-helpful classes that will Change! Your! Life!

If you're looking for a place to start, here are my Top Ten:

1. Balloon Art 101
I could do a lot of things with a four foot long piece of rubber, but making a wiener dog is not one of them. Look how useful those skills would be: "Try the art of decorating with balloons - for parties, weddings, holidays and more!" $39
ALTERNATE CHOICE: Face-Painting For Funerals

2. Let's Go Canoeing!
"Summer and fall are perfect times for sharing paddling pleasures with a friend." In my world, any time is the perfect time for sharing paddling pleasures. $49.95
ALTERNATE CHOICES: Badminton For Bad Girls; Tennis For Tramps; Horseback Riding

3. Beginning Swimming
Probably wise to take this class before suprising a friend with Paddling Pleasures. The description is nothing if not thorough: "It falls from the sky and it comes out of the ground. Two thirds of your body is made of it. It keeps your skin from wrinkling and flowers from wilting. You wash with it, drink it and cook with it. Kids love to play in it, wars have been fought over it. Three quarters of the earth is covered with it. Some believe it cleanses the soul & purifies the mind. What is it? It's WATER!" $45
ALTERNATE CHOICE: Breathing 101: Hey, Oxygen Is Awesome!

4. "Secret Chicago" Tour
"Each tour is different and may provide the chance to dabble with pagans and magicians, dally with fetishists and get friendly with the non-conformists who never make it into the regular tourguides." By non-conformists, they mean muggers.
ALTERNATE CHOICES: Dark Alleys Just For Fun; Trouble, How To Find; Defense Against A Weapon

5. Contemporary Latin Dances
"Contemporary Latin dances are the "in" dances of the 90's." $75
ALTERNATE CHOICES: Macarena, The Hot New Trend; How To Electric Slide; A Calendar

6. Make Money as a Film Extra
Step 1. Hang out with me and Sugar and Concert Josh. Step 2. Sit around all day drinking Red Bull. Step 3. "Go nuts" on command. Step 4. Wait for your paycheck. You just saved $39!
ALTERNATE CHOICES: Make Money By Blogging On Company Time; Calling In Sick For Profit

7. Individual Income Tax Preparation
$150, for that last minute trip to H&R Block.
ALTERNATE CHOICES: White Collar Prison; Fleeing The Country

8. Proofreading
I found 4 errors in the description of this class. A $75 waste.
ALTERNATE CHOICES: Tara Reid Teaches Moderation; Fergie's Fashion Tips; Stop Pointing The Finger Of Blame, by the Republican Party

9. Practical Spanish
"Take this class if you're planning a trip to a Spanish-speaking country, live in a Latino neighborhood or eat out in Mexican restaurants." Like Chipotle? $79
ALTERNATE CHOICES: Order Chinese Like A Champ; Pizza Hut Italian; Arabic For Taxicabs

10. Internet Basics
"You know what a fire engine is, now register for this course and find out what a search engine is." You know what a key is, now find out what a keyboard does! You know what a log is, now find out what a blog is! You know what a boot is, now find out how to reboot! Like peapods? You'll love iPods! I could do this all day! $110
ALTERNATE CHOICES: Computers: Small Boxes Of Magic; Mastering The Tricky "On/Off" Button; Googling Your Ex-Boyfriends For A Sense of Smug Superiority (Advanced)
* * * * * *
My boss just took me for a very fancy lunch at the Peninsula Hotel, to pay off a bet. We had a minor brush with Clist celebrity when Jenny McCarthy walked by our table, stopped, looked at me, walked to the door, stopped, looked back at me again, and then was finally ushered out by a bodyguard.

She totally wants me.

Snap, Crackle, Pop

[WARNING: the following story is totally nast. I apologize in advance.]

So this morning my son wanders in to the kitchen right as I'm finishing up lunches. He's holding his lip and there's a big red spot right above it.

DYLAN: My lip hurts.
ME: Honey, I told you, I think you just got bit by something.
DYLAN: But it HURTS!
ME: Come here, let me see. Huh. This looks funny...
DYLAN: What are you- OW! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
ME: Whoops. I guess it wasn't a bite. You should go clean that up.
DYLAN: WHAT DID YOU JUST DO?
ME: Well, it was a zit. And it popped.
DYLAN: WHAT? YOU POPPED MY ZIT?!
ME: On accident.
DYLAN: Oh my god. You are seriously the grossest Mom ever.
ME: Just wait til you see what's for lunch.

Fill In the Blanks Friday

Because I'm lazy and you're funny.

I live in ___________.
I'd like to live in ______________.
This weekend I will probably ____________.
I wish I had a __________ in my hand right now.

Half-Nekkid Thursday

Oh I have to get in on this action. Started by Obasso and embraced throughout the blogosphere, Half-Nekkid Thursday had somehow eluded me until I saw it on FatMike's excellent blog. Prepare yourselves, dear readers, for some Tequila Cleavage...



... of the toe variety.

Unacceptable

Overheard on the Brown Line this weekend:

TRIXIE: I just don't understand it! He did so good on my birthday last year. He got me an iPod, and a Tiffany bracelet, and he sent flowers to my office...

FRIEND: Yeah.

TRIXIE: But so what's the big deal about the Chanel sunglasses this year? Why won't he get them for me?

FRIEND: It's not fair!

TRIXIE: I mean, it's like the day means nothing to him.

FRIEND: God.

TRIXIE: I know what's going to happen. We'll be in Colorado for my birthday, and he's going to be all, "For your present I'm buying you a house." But GOD. The house won't even be until, like, February! I mean, that's not my birthday. God.

FRIEND: God.

TRIXIE: I know, right?

FRIEND: Seriously. What's wrong with him?

TRIXIE: I don't know. But that's unacceptable.

FRIEND: Unacceptable.

TRIXIE: He sucks.

--------------------

Friends, this is just one example of the devastation brought on by a lack of designer eyewear. And right now, Trixies around the country are suffering. Please, if you can give, donate the $500 sunglasses of your choice to Trixie, Don't Cry, a for-profit organization devoted to the relief of brainless bimbos with big meany boyfriends. Can't you help?

Please mail a checkbook or credit card to:

Trixie, Don't Cry
1800 Oblivion Avenue
Lincoln Park, Chicago

Thank you ... and Prada bless.

Supreme Court or Bad Porno?

Would you find the following situations on the Supreme Court of the United States or in a poor-quality porno flick?

• Two openings to fill

• A Bush in your face

• Some dick you know nothing about getting crammed down your throat

• Everyone is screwed

If you said BOTH to all of them, congratulations! Now bend over and grab your ankles to collect your prize.

Long Weekend In Brief

My boss is sending me to some lame-o meeting in the burbs so this will have to be short and sweet. Oh, and we'll have to get into the whole Rehnquist thing later. Stupid dead jerk.

So on Friday, Jada and I threw down some stiff drinks at my most favoritest bar in the city. "Stiff drinks"? Is that a euphemism? I'll never tell. Oh and I almost forgot about a little thing called MY TRAIN BOYFRIEND LIVES IN RIGHT IN JADA'S SAME BUILDING. I was waiting for her to come down when he walked by with some groceries, and oh how I've missed you, Train Boyfriend. I didn't say hi because, you know, I didn't want to hear the screaming. But at least now I know where to find him. Jada: the name is Derek. Please stalk accordingly.

Saturday I watched my team POUND those putzes at Pitt and then sat in the front yard with the neighbors until the wee hours, ostensibly for the block party even though everyone else had long since gone to bed, swilling shots of tequila (woo!) and singing happy birthday to Hot Cop Tom roughly 82 times in a row while the rest of the neighborhood had to JUST SUCK ON IT because everyone out there except me was the po-po 5-0 so who you gonna call now with your "public disturbance" complaints, suckas? Also: BITE ME.

Then on Sunday there was an anti-war protest with Salome in front of the Art Institute, followed by a visit to Jazzfest. Monday I thrifted with Crystal, and today was the kids' first day at school.

My brand new 3rd and 5th graders. So cute.

Fun weekend. Good times. Yeah, so I have to go to that meeting now. Back later with some commentary about stupid dumb dead goddamn Rehnquist. Even dead, he sucks.

I'll Say It One More Time

IT WAS THE ONLY BUS THAT HAD A ROUTE NEAR OUR HOUSE WHEN I WAS A LITTLE KID.


Yes, that is the short bus.

* * * * *
Links of Love
I updated my menu bar over by dere. I aimed to include all the nice people who link to me, but if I short bussed it and missed you, drop me a line.

Please Exit On Curb Side

Right after I first moved to the city, I once got out of a taxi on a crowded downtown street and dinged the door of a very fancy car. The man behind the wheel was PISSED, but there really wasn't much damage and I was already late for a movie. What could I do anyway? Pay for it? Please. I can barely pay for my children's lunches every week. So I apologized and followed the lead of the cabbie: I got the hell out of there.

Yesterday, a drunken Cubs fan delivered karmic retribution. Plus interest.



Drunken Cubs Fan was getting out of a cab in front of my neighborhood bar. (Because that's what he needed: more alcohol.) Drunken Cubs Fan failed to heed the sign inside each and every taxicab in this great city which entreats you to exit on the curb side of the vehicle. But Drunken Cubs Fan is special! He can exit any old place he wants! So Drunken Cubs Fan opened the streetside door ... directly into the side of my car. Luckily I was just pulling up to a stop sign, so I was only going a few miles per hour. Unluckily, I failed to run over Drunken Cubs Fan, who clearly had it coming. Drunken Cubs Fan took one look at my car, called out a hearty "Whoops! Sorry!" and hightailed his drunk ass into the bar. When I went in to find him a few minutes later, he was nowhere to be seen. Drunken Cubs Fan had made his escape. But you can't escape from karma, Drunken Cubs Fan! Believe me, that bitch never forgets.

Anyway, it's an irritation and a hassle and I'm none too happy about dealing with insurance companies, but a little perspective is only a click away. If you haven't already donated to the hurricane relief effort, you can give $10 to the American Red Cross here. It takes about 45 seconds.

[UPDATE: The Red Cross has taken off the $10 donation button - the lowest denomination is now $25. For all of us poor folk who can't spare much but still want to give something, you can make a donation of any amount to America's Second Harvest by clicking here. One short form to fill out, no links to click through.]

* * * * * *
Labor Day: I'm Bored
No kids and no boyfriend this weekend. Very little in the way of plans. Chicago people: please sign up for a day to Babysit Tequila.

FRIDAY
Of Montreal is playing a show at the Abbey. $10. I dare you to listen to this and not love it:
"Disconnect the Dots"
"Wraith Pinned to the Mist (and Other Games)"
"Know Your Onion" - a Shins cover
[NOTE: My friend is going to this with me but the more the merrier, kids.]

SATURDAY
At laaaaaaast .. my love has come along. It's college football season, FINALLY. I need someone to watch the Fighting Irish with this Saturday night, since my usual cohort is now in another time zone. Across the planet. I'm desperate, people.

Notre Dame vs. Pitt
7 p.m.
The Blue Bayou
3734 N. Southport
$3 Margaritas!
Oh shit.

SUNDAY
What sounds good? A movie? Thrift shopping? Brunch? I don't care as long as it happens far away from my cat.

MONDAY
Must involve sleeping in.